No more cars?

Every now and then some daft politician or politico will declare that we should all give up our cars to "protect the environ-ment" or "get more exercise" or whatever. It doesn't seem to occur to them that for a lot of people cars are absolutely essential.

We don't use our car very often -  mainly for the weekly supermarket shop - but there are many things a car is vital for, especially if you're in a family.

If public transport is poor or non-existent, if you need to move something heavy and bulky, if you're taking your kids to school or to out-of-school activities, if you're visiting your parents or relatives in some out-of-the-way location, if you're visiting someone in hospital, and for all sorts of other awkward journeys, how would you get by without a car?

Taxis are okay for short journeys, but too dear for long journeys. You could cadge lifts but you can't do that too often.

We've used our car to take things to the recycling centre, to get to beauty spots, to bring home large purchases like furniture and plants, to take visitors for an outing or to the airport, to give people lifts in bad weather, to look at property for sale, and numerous other purposes.

It could be of course that the anti-car politicians don't seriously want us all to give up our cars. They're just looking for cheap headlines to keep them in the public eye. But most people will simply snort with disbelief and ask what planet they're living on.

A search to remember

Jenny and I have had a few occasions when we couldn't quite remember where we had parked the car, but we've always found it after a few minutes of wandering around looking for it. The initial panic quickly gives way to relief.

But imagine what it's like for someone who has absolutely no idea where he/she parked the car and spends the next three weeks (yes, three weeks) searching for it, getting more and more frustrated and bewildered.

Kieran (last name not known) had been to a stag party in Cork and couldn't find his wine-coloured Skoda Superb. He hadn't noted the road it was parked in so he had little to go on.

All he knew was that he had parked on an estate. So he methodically visited 59 different estates in the Cork suburbs - but to no avail.

Then he offered a €200 (£171) reward to anyone who could locate his car. And finally, he was in luck. A woman had seen the car on her estate in Ballyphehane.

That's certainly a stag party he won't forget in a hurry. "But sure I met the best people and had great craic" he said. And even greater craic after the party!

If Jenny and I park in some unfamiliar location, we always note the road it's in, and maybe some landmark the locals could identify and direct us to.

It was a routine problem in London, where parking spaces are scarce and often we had to park well away from the venue we were attending. Luckily we always found our car afterwards. So not much craic to be found there.

Pic: not Kieran!

Gas guzzlers

When parents drop off their kids at the two nearby schools, more and more of their cars are those massive, gas-guzzling sport utility vehicles (SUVs). Usually there's only two people in them - parent and child - and I wonder why such huge cars are necessary.

SUVs are increasingly popular in the UK, despite being so bad for the environment. By early 2023 more than half of all new car sales in Europe were SUVs or the like. Why oh why?

Jenny and I still have our humble nine-year-old Renault Clio. It gets us from A to B and that's all we need. If we had had children we might have acquired something bigger, but what would be the point?

When I was young, most people drove bog-standard saloon cars, as they were then called, and strangely enough children still got to school and parents got to the supermarket. Nobody hankered after vehicles more suitable to pot-holed rural farm tracks.

My parents didn't even own a car, so I walked to school and back every day. Cheaper and healthier than being driven there.

Clearly the SUV drivers don't care about the enormous carbon emissions, hefty fuel consumption and danger to children (I read that children are eight times more likely to die when struck by an SUV compared with an average passenger car).

What is it with these fashionable monsters?

PS: I realise some of you may actually own an SUV. Do tell me why, I'm always open to debate!

Beware of the car

Don't you love those absurd scare stories designed to make us terrified of some aspect of daily life we were never worried about before?

There's another splendid example here. Cars, we are told, are seething with dangerous germs that could cause food poisoning, vomiting and skin infections.

Swabs taken from a well-used family car were found to be crawling with nasties like staphylococcus and bacillus cereus, lurking on the steering wheel, gearstick, door handles and floor mats.

A microbiologist was wheeled out to point to the "horrifying" fact that eating off a dashboard could be as toxic as eating off a toilet seat. Your car, he said, "should maintain the same level of hygiene as your dining room."

Well, I don't know about you, but I don't recall ever falling sick after using the car, even when I was driving it every day. If I did vomit after leaving it, it was probably the result of drinkus alcoholicus and not bacillus cereus.

Did they quote any actual statistical connection between car use and illness? Of course not, it was all just a theoretical, you-never-know bit of nonsense. They may be commonplace bugs, guys, but don't under-estimate them! They could cause havoc! They could turn your life upside down!

I was waiting for the article to plug some expensive, state-of-the-art hygiene product that would cleanse and purify my beloved vehicle, but strangely that never appeared.

Yes, my car may well be germ-laden, but like other human beings I have that wonderful thing, an immune system. I think I'll survive.

Cars and bras

Are women really shallower than men? A Welsh academic says yes - because they prefer a handsome man in a £70,000 Bentley to the same man in a clapped-out Ford Fiesta.

Dr Michael Dunn of the University of Wales Institute in Cardiff has done a survey of male and female reactions to the opposite sex and cars.

He found women generally opted for the man in the expensive car, whereas men were unimpressed by a flashy car and were only interested in the woman's looks.

According to Dr Dunn, this showed women were shallower than men because their heads were turned by a bit of high-powered machinery, while the men put the person first.

Well, excuse me, Dr Dunn, but I would turn that shallow argument inside out and say that makes men the superficial ones because they value mere physical appearance over what's inside the package. All they really care about is glossy hair and big tits.

Women on the other hand are more sensible because they look at a man's personal capabilities - including the ability to earn money and get on in life. Signs of self-confidence and success are more important than a firm jaw line and melting blue eyes.

Of course, speaking as a man who once owned an ageing Ford Fiesta, we do have a certain appeal to the more discerning female. There's a distinctive quality that money simply can't buy. Nevertheless, it's still true that a man's car might say more about him than the shape of his nose.

Dr Dunn also concludes that a man who owns an expensive car is seen as more likely to rear healthy offspring. Come again? How does that work exactly? Not the hoary old cliché about cars proving virility, surely? Dr Dunn, I have some advice for you. When you're in a hole - stop digging.
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I can't stop listening to: "Extraordinary Machine" by Fiona Apple

You're nicked!

Yes, it's that familiar tirade. Haven't the cops got anything better to do? Why aren't they going after the real criminals rather than nicking people like me for totally trivial offences?

The other night Jenny and I went to see "Rachel Getting Married" and then popped into our favourite Indian restaurant for a meal. All very enjoyable, lots of relaxing chatter and gawping. Then we headed back to the car.

A ****ing parking ticket! Some ****ing pettifogging jobsworth with nothing better to do had decided to amuse himself/herself by clocking me for "parking within 15 metres of a junction, causing obstruction to other drivers' views".

God give me strength. I wonder how many thousands of times I've parked next to a junction. Likewise every other driver on the road. And what hazard are we causing exactly? How many people have I killed and injured? Any advance on zero?

Yes, it's a technical offence. So yes, I'll have to cough up. But really, is this the best possible use of police time? Is this the highest priority for our over-stretched, paperwork-laden police officers?

There are drivers out there smashed out of their heads on drink and drugs. There are arsonists burning down factories. There are teenagers dropping rocks onto motorways. There are thieves beating pensioners black and blue. But never mind all that, let's find something dodgy about that little blue Clio. Aha, it's in the wrong place. It's not where it should be. Gotcha! Bang to rights!

Stupid ****ing bastards.

(My apologies to a certain blogger with relatives in the police force. Nothing personal....)
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Sales assistant: I'm sorry, your credit card's invalid.
Customer: Why, has it expired?
Sales assistant: No, your credit card's fine, but your bank's expired.

Hitchhiking

There's a lot less hitchhiking now than when I was young. It's rare these days to see that familiar thumbing motion as I cruise around.

Back in the legendary sixties there would be a dozen would-be hitchers lined up as I left a motorway service station or entered a major cross-country road.

They'd stand there hopefully with their tatty bits of cardboard saying Exeter or Birmingham or Aberystwyth. Or sometimes Glastonbury or Aldermaston as people hitched to rock festivals and political protests.

I'd pick them up and have fascinating conversations about everything under the sun with complete strangers from who-knows-where. A bit like blogging in fact.

I hitched once or twice myself in my pre-car days, but usually the thought of indifferent drivers hurtling past showering me with muddy water was enough to put me off and I caught the train or bus instead.

But now these cardboard signs and imploring eyes are not often seen, and I miss those unpredictable encounters.

Many people are afraid to hitch after stories of deranged lorry drivers raping and murdering their passengers. Others prefer the comfort of trains or coaches. And nowadays we're all more likely to have our own cars.

So this wonderful custom seems to be virtually obsolete, done away with by fear and the desire to travel in style. And our collective wish to have our own little gas-guzzlers rather than sharing someone else's. Hitchin' will soon mean nothing more than a town in Hertfordshire.

There's a very old urban myth about the driver who picks up a young female hitchhiker. When the destination is reached, the woman has disappeared. The driver later discovers that she died several years earlier, on the exact date his wife died.

Green conundrum

I must admit I'm very two-faced about the idea of a looming global crisis. I see all the terrifying headlines about the imminent collapse of the planet, and I just don't take them as seriously as I'm supposed to.

I tell myself the scientists know what they're talking about, and I'm keen to do my bit to prevent catastrophe, but at the same time I want to continue the same comfortable lifestyle I'm used to.

I know flying is highly polluting, but it doesn't stop me jumping on planes. I find a dozen ways of justifying it, from the futility of personal boycotts to the much worse pollution of deforestation or farting cows.

Do I leave my equally toxic car to rust away in the garage? Of course not. I can't possibly rely on the vagaries of public transport to get me where I need to go. And I've frozen to death at bus stops once too often.

Much as I agree with slashing energy use, I'm not quite prepared to shiver through the winter or dump all my household appliances to stop the odd Arctic glacier melting.

I suppose deep down my problem is this - if the environmental crisis is so colossal and so desperate, then it can only be averted by lifestyle changes on a scale far exceeding the petty tweaks and gestures of well-meaning individuals.

However much I'm told that every little bit helps, we all have to pull together, it's a joint effort blah blah, I can't help feeling that everything I'm doing is a mere drop in the ocean that counts for little.

At the end of the day, a threat this big has to be confronted by national governments. Relying on individual goodwill is a bit like rearranging the deckchairs as the Titanic heads for the iceberg. Or fighting Hitler with Dad's Army. There's just too much at stake.

Saving the planet

Oh dear! The Green Barometer report from the Energy Saving Trust says Northern Ireland folk are lagging behind the rest of the UK when it comes to fighting for the planet.

According to the report, only 15% of us would scrap a holiday flight for environmental reasons, compared with a third UK-wide. Only 25% are making personal lifestyle changes, rather than 39%. And only 6% have used public transport instead of a car, while it's 12% in Scotland.

Well, there you are then - those selfish ratbags in Northern Ireland are holding back the altruistic Brits, demanding extravagant pleasures while everyone else is showing commendable restraint and safeguarding their children's future.

Er, sorry, but you've got us wrong again.

Could it be that we're more reluctant to shelve holiday flights because we don't have the convenient alternative of getting anywhere in Europe via Eurostar? And funnily enough we can't just catch the train to Wales, Cornwall or Yorkshire? Could it be that so-called holiday flights are actually visits to relatives in places like Scotland, Canada or Australia? Or should we just call them up and say "Sorry mum, the Planet says no"?

As for our thumbs-down for public transport, that's hardly surprising in a country full of small villages which don't generate enough potential passengers to make complex transport links viable. The buses amble through all sorts of picturesque locations, but seldom the ones we actually have in mind.

In fact we're as planet-friendly as the rest of the UK, if the measures suggested are practical and don't just make life more difficult. We recycle loads of household rubbish, we're very keen on fair trade, we're busy insulating our houses, and we buy local produce whenever we can.

But you wouldn't know it from the Green Barometer report, which asks the wrong questions, looks in the wrong directions and paints a totally false picture of the locals - and they won't be the last to do that.

See also: Plane Stupid

Plane stupid

I'm quite happy to change my personal habits to reduce global warming, but some of the daft knee-jerk suggestions from politicians take some beating. In particular English politicians have proposed swingeing taxes on short-haul domestic flights which according to them are an unnecessary self-indulgence.

As usual they are blissfully unaware of far-flung parts of the United Kingdom like Northern Ireland where flying is the only practical way of getting over the Irish Sea and across huge swathes of the Other Island. Are we seriously expected to go by ferry and train, paying a lot more, taking a hell of a lot longer and arriving exhausted and stressed-out? Not me if I can help it. And when did the politicians last take the ferry? Insensitivity and hypocrisy.

What the politicians should really be asking is why so many basic household items - flowers, food, computers, clothes - are flown or shipped thousands of miles into Northern Ireland when they could just as easily be produced locally. It's absurd that Mother's Day flowers (probably grown by downtrodden mothers) are casually jetted in from Africa. Or that potatoes (that rare delicacy fresh to Irish palates) are despatched from the Middle East. Or that vegetables (cultivated in areas of serious water shortage) are winged over from Spain.

I could go on, but my question is - isn't this type of traffic a lot less justified than the movement of human beings visiting their relatives or potential customers?

And why are politicians focussing on planes rather than cars, which produce much heavier pollution and are proliferating rapidly on Northern Ireland's roads? (Jenny and I didn't own a car at all in London, but here we need one each because of the miserly public transport.) Answer - because motorists provide huge tax revenues for the government and public transport doesn't. They don't want to kill off such a nice fat cash cow.

So if anyone's waiting for a better bus and train network that actually takes them where they want to go, and cleans up the environment, they'll be waiting a very long time. If I were you, guv, I'd take good care of the motor. You'll be needing it for a wee while yet....