Over the top

It seems that elaborate weddings aren't going out of favour but are more popular than ever, and many attendees are complaining about how much money they're expected to fork out.

There are often complaints that they're expected to spend way more than they spent on their own wedding, especially if the wedding takes place not locally but in some distant location, requiring flights and hotels.

Expenses can include the wedding gift, maybe a bridesmaid dress, bridal shower gift, and hair and make-up.

"Why are we normalising this behaviour?" said one bridesmaid. "I'm so happy to celebrate my friend's special day, but it's getting out of hand. What happened to just getting together a few days before the wedding to celebrate?"

As most of you will know, Jenny and I had the exact opposite of a grand wedding. We married in the local registry office with just two witnesses, and then the four of us went out for a celebratory meal. We would never have expected our friends to lash out huge sums to attend an over-the-top wedding.

I would have thought that with the escalating cost of living, people would spend as little as they could on their wedding and save as much cash as possible for future expenses like buying a house. But no, they want to get hitched in style.

And do those fancy weddings work or do they end in tears? In a survey of 4,000 married couples, more than 50% said they'd felt regret at some point in their marriage. They thought they'd married the wrong person, or the love was never mutual, or their partner's personality changed.

Personally I've never had any regrets. Luckily Jenny and I clicked right from the start.

Unwanted cats

How very sad. People are abandoning their cats like never before and cat shelters and charities are overwhelmed with the sheer number of cats - and kittens - coming through their doors.

The cats are being abandoned for various reasons. Because their owners can no longer afford them, what with the cost of living shooting up and veterinary fees rocketing. Because the owners just didn't realise how much attention they need. Because they've had kittens. Because they're over-active and disruptive. Because of a move to accommodation that forbids pets.

Many of the cats were bought during the pandemic lockdown to keep people occupied, which was fine until the reality of looking after a pet struck home and the cat was no longer welcome.

Jenny and I have never kept a cat, mainly because of the care and attention it would demand, which is okay if you're happy with that commitment but not otherwise. I love cats and I love seeing them when I'm out and about, but I love them strictly at a distance. If I did have a cat, I'm sure it would be disappointed with my minimal level of fondling and stroking.

Many cats don't warm to me anyway. Most of them run a mile when they see me. I've no idea why - is it my height, my glasses, or some strange vibe I'm putting out? The odd thing is that a small number of cats, far from running away, are ultra-friendly and keen to be petted.

People acquiring cats may not realise just what they're taking on. Cats can live up to 20 years, and like humans can develop a range of medical conditions as they age - like dental disease, arthritis, incontinence and loss of muscle strength. They're no light-hearted hobby.

Surprise surprise

Do you like surprises or do you find them awkward and embarrassing?

How do you feel about surprise workplace leaving dos, surprise birthday parties, surprise outings, surprise promotions - or surprise anything else?

For me it rather depends on the particular surprise. When I left my last workplace, there was a surprise farewell, with people saying I'd done a good job and handing me a generous gift voucher. I was very embarrassed, didn't know quite how to respond, and stumbled through a clumsy thank-you.

I've never had a surprise birthday party, but I imagine I would be equally embarrassed if I walked into one. So much fuss over such a prosaic event!

I'm okay with surprise outings - as long as it's not to a boxing match or a battery chicken plant. And I'm all in favour of surprise promotions - not that I ever received one!

But in general I don't like things being sprung on me, especially when I had other plans that I have to abandon. I like to know what's coming, which maybe sounds a bit rigid but that's the way I am.

I guess my upbringing has something to do with it. There were seldom any big surprises in my family, as none of us was keen on them.

I guess the biggest surprise in my life was meeting Jenny and finding we got on like a house on fire. That was one surprise I was very happy with. The covid epidemic was another big surprise, one I could have done without.

What other surprises are waiting in the wings, I wonder?

Not a doctor

There's some uneasiness in the UK over the role of physician associates (there are some 80 in Northern Ireland). Patients who have never come across them before may think they're doctors or even surgeons. And some physician associates have made fatal mistakes because of inadequate training or supervision.

They have much less training than doctors (a two year course) and can only carry out a limited range of procedures, like physical examinations and taking medical histories from patients.

Patients who don't know they're physician associates may assume they have a level of knowledge and competence they don't actually have.

The husband of Susan Pollitt, who died in Oldham after a drain was wrongly left for too long in her body, said earlier this month that he didn't know the person treating her in hospital wasn't a doctor.

Emily Chesterton died after a physician associate at a GP surgery in north London - who she thought was a doctor - twice wrongly diagnosed the pain in her calf as due to a strain rather than a blood clot.

The Health Minister has now announced a review of physician associates and their role amid growing alarm in the medical profession over patient safety.

I must say I would be a bit wary of a physician associate attending to me (if I even knew that's what they were). They should at least have badges stating their role.

And surely they're not qualified to make diagnoses, which is a very advanced skill that even doctors can easily get wrong.

Yes, time for taking stock, I think.

Pic: So who do we have here? Physician associates? Doctors? Surgeons?

Thoroughly lovely

In 2013, as a counter-balance to all my undesirable qualities (psychological hang-ups, poor memory, inattentiveness etc) I listed some of my (hopefully) more attractive qualities. For the benefit of more recent blog friends, I thought I would give them another airing.*

At the risk of seeming smug, patronising, supercilious, self-righteous, priggish and holier-than-thou, here are all my thoroughly lovely qualities.

• I don't harbour malicious thoughts about family, friends or loved ones
• I don't make anonymous attacks on Twitter/X
• I'm not interested in porn
• I'm not misogynistic, homophobic or transphobic (so he claims)
• I'm deeply disturbed by all the poverty, violence, misery and oppression in the world
• I've never had an extra-marital affair
• I like fluffy kittens and cupcakes
• I mind my own business and try not to judge other people's lives
• I don't gossip, and I'm good at keeping secrets
• I don't annoy the neighbours with loud music or all-night parties
• I deplore machismo and male posturing
• I do my share of the housework
• I'm a good listener
• I don't hide my emotions
• I'm not easily offended
• I'm not the jealous type
• I like teddy bears and ice cream
• I'm not an angry or bad-tempered person
• I readily apologise when I've done something wrong
• I've never bullied anyone

 *slightly amended

Not enough empathy

"The death of human empathy is one of the earliest and most telling signs of a culture about to fall into barbarism." - Hannah Arendt

There's a lot of truth in that. If you can't appreciate what other people are going through, their particular ordeals and disappointments and horrors, then there's nothing to stop you treating people cruelly and ruthlessly.

There seems to be a distinct lack of empathy right now. Politicians condemn the "work-shy" and the "not really sick" and those whose poverty is a "lifestyle choice". Trans activists condemn those who don't share their beliefs as bigots and fascists. Nameless individuals on social media attack anyone who is seen as offensive, elitist or politically incorrect. Newspapers pour hatred at criminals and politicians and public officials. Many ordinary individuals don't trust politicians and believe they're all feathering their nests.

There are plenty of things going on that could be described as barbaric. People who're jailed for minor offences. The deep hostility to immigrants. Poor people struggling to survive on inadequate welfare benefits. People who mistreat animals. Innocent people who're beaten up by the police. People who laugh at the disabled. Domestic violence and sexual assaults.

A lot of these things wouldn't be happening if there was more empathy towards the victims, a greater ability to identify with them, more outrage at the way some people are treated. But people are rather too adept at avoiding empathy and pretending hideous things aren't really going on - or aren't as bad as they seem.

One thing preventing empathy is that people who're in trouble are often seen as the author of their own misfortunes, suffering through their own fecklessness or stupidity. This is seldom the case and this callous blame-the-victim syndrome has to end.

Wanderlust

A constant desire to travel used to be called wanderlust, which was seen as something a bit abnormal. But now wanderlust is the norm and hordes of people are forever travelling the world as if it's the obvious thing to do.

A couple of times recently someone has asked me about my holiday plans, and when I say we're probably going somewhere in Britain, there seems to be a slight sense that this is strange, that we should be going somewhere more exciting and impressive, like  Machu Picchu or Angkor Wat.

But this wanderlust tendency isn't limited to an occasional thrilling holiday. Lots of people, it seems are travelling more or less permanently, with only the odd pause to catch up with domestic needs. Jenny's brother and his partner (both retired) are always either on holiday or planning the next one.

Some cruise enthusiasts go from one cruise to another, and are away from home for months on end. And then there's Anderson Dias, who visited all 195 countries in 2019.

Unfortunately the increasing and apparently insatiable desire to travel is what's causing over-tourism in lots of popular destinations and greatly upsetting the locals, whose daily lives have been disrupted by a huge influx of inconsiderate and demanding visitors.

Personally I'm not gripped by wanderlust. I've been to several countries that interested me and that's enough. I've no restless desire to tick off more and more places on the global map, no burning curiosity to see what this or that country "is really like".

Machu Picchu will just have to get by without me.

Meatlessness

Next year I will have been a vegetarian for 50 years. Right through my childhood and most of my twenties I happily ate meat, and then overnight I rejected it.

What happened was that I stayed for a week with a couple of gay friends in their Welsh cottage. I discovered they were both vegetarians and I thought it would be absurd for me to insist on making meat dishes for myself. So I decided to eschew (what a lovely word!) meat for the week.

When I returned home I realised I hadn't missed meat for a second and as vegetarianism was supposedly a healthier diet - and meant not killing animals - I thought I might as well continue to avoid meat.

When I met Jenny, who was a meat eater, and told her I was a vegetarian, she decided to join me. And the rest, as they say, is history. We were (and are) both fit and healthy and never saw any reason for going back to meat.

I'm glad to say I've never faced any active hostility from meat-eaters. In general people accept my meatlessness quite matter-of-factly. The only person who seemed totally bemused by it was my mother. I had to keep reminding her I was a vegetarian as she kept "forgetting". No, mum, I don't eat pork sausages.

So I have Ron and Paul to thank for my conversion 49 years ago.

PS: Researchers at Loma Linda University in the States have shown vegetarian men live on average 10 years longer than non-vegetarian men - 83 years compared to 73 years. For women, being vegetarian added an extra 6 years to their lives, reaching 85 years on average.

Wonky teeth

For a long time the British have been known for their dreadful teeth - not very white, not very straight, sometimes just gaps instead of teeth.

It seems that things are changing. One survey said that 53 per cent of under-35s have had cosmetic dental work. And many celebrities sport pristine rows of shiny white teeth that ironically look entirely artificial.

Personally I find slightly wonky teeth much more attractive than the visually perfect variety that are now so ubiquitous. David Bowie's less than perfect teeth were part of his appeal, and I was disappointed when he finally took against them and went for some better ones.

My own teeth are not very white, and two of my front teeth overlap, but it's never bothered me - or Jenny. Nobody's going to avoid me because they dislike my teeth. I certainly don't want to spend thousands of pounds remaking my teeth to fit some fashionable aesthetic image.

We're encouraged to buy all sorts of special accessories to clean our teeth more thoroughly - floss, inter-dental brushes, electric toothbrushes etc - but do they really make much difference? I just use a standard toothbrush and that works for me. I still have all 26 teeth, though some of them are well-filled (six teeth were extracted when I was a boy as my jaws were too small to accommodate all 32).

My teeth are just fine as they are. As the saying goes, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Making yourself ill

The idea is regularly mooted in the UK that people shouldn't get free medical treatment - or any medical treatment at all - if they've "made themselves ill". It's only a small minority who take this line, but they always get plenty of media attention, as if it's a wonderful idea.

If people drink too much, take drugs, smoke, engage in risky activities, or become enormously fat, goes the argument, then they shouldn't qualify for NHS treatment and they should be left to their own devices. If their behaviour leads to severe medical conditions, they should be left to seek treatment at their own expense and not expect the taxpayer to step in and sort them out.

Well, apart from the fact that the NHS has always pledged to be free at the point of use, regardless of personal circumstances and regardless of financial status, deciding that certain people shouldn't qualify for NHS treatment would be the start of a slippery slope. Once you begin turning away certain individuals, where would it end? The exemptions would proliferate until whole swathes of people could no longer use the NHS.

Furthermore, if people happen to have engrained psychological weaknesses that have led to illness - lack of self-control, recklessness, impulsiveness, whatever - why should be penalised for it? They may have tried many times to change their behaviour and failed. Or their behaviour might be a response to distressing personal circumstances they find it hard to cope with. People don't simply "make themselves ill".

Another case of engaging mouth without engaging brain.

NB: Of course all this only applies to the NHS because health care is organised quite differently in the States.

The outside world

I suddenly had a eureka moment. I realised my idea of the "outside world" was all wrong.

For some time I've been feeling a bit depressed about the state of the outside world with all its horrors and brutality and inhumanity.

Then it came to me that actually I know next to nothing of the outside world. It's so complex and intricate and enormous that I can't possibly know more than a minute fraction of it.

I might think I know all about (for example) climate change or the polar ice cap or deforestation but I'm kidding myself.

Even what I do know is mostly what the media tells me. And that's often highly suspect. Firstly they only tell us what they think is important, secondly they put their particular slant on it, and thirdly they sensationalise everything. Which means even that tiny bit of knowledge is very unreliable.

So what I refer to as the "outside world" is either a heavily filtered media offering or my own mental picture of the outside world. Neither of those is anything but a sketchy idea of the real thing.

In which case feeling depressed about the outside world is irrational because I'll never have a complete picture of it, and I'm therefore feeling depressed about something that's mostly unknown and unknowable.

So I should stop feeling depressed about the "outside world" and save my dejection for something manifest and tangible.

Simples!

All you can eat

I'm not one of those people who goes crazy at the sight of a buffet and piles my plate with as much food as possible to "get my money's worth". I don't abuse my stomach. But it seems some people don't know when to stop.

Some restaurants and hotels are concerned at the amount of food some people are grabbing, especially when they don't eat it all and leave half of it on their plate.

Mark Graham, landlord of the Star Inn in Penzance, Cornwall, now charges £2.40 a person for buffet "excess leftovers". A few spuds is obviously no problem, he told a customer who complained, but buffet behaviour was out of control, citing a plate "piled so high you could put a ladder and a flag on top of it."

When Jenny and I stay at the Premier Inn, we always opt for their buffet breakfast and have a generous amount of cold and cooked food to set us up for the day's wanderings. But we don't take more than we need.

Surely those people who leave half their food must realise they're taking far too much, so why do they do it?

Do they imagine they're in some kind of eating contest? Are they trying to get a bigger and better paunch? Is it some kind of comfort eating? I don't get it.

Careful how you eat. A Liverpool woman dislocated her jaw trying to eat a triple burger

Religious and happy

Apparently research shows that religious people are happier and healthier than atheists. But is this true? If so, as a life-long atheist I'm heading for a miserable and premature demise.

One study shows that someone's religious commitment, such as how often they attended church, was linked with a lower risk of depression, anxiety, suicide, heart disease and death from cancer.

Supposedly religion also gives you a sense of social connection and community, a sense of purpose, and reduces loneliness and isolation.

Well, I know atheists and I know believers, and it's hard to say who's happier, because people aren't necessarily truthful about their inner feelings. People can pretend to be happy when actually they're feeling despondent and pessimistic.

Certainly I'm happy enough despite my very early rejection of religion. So is Jenny. Neither of us feel the need for an external belief system to help us navigate our lives (though I totally respect those who find religion helpful).

It's easy to think of religious people you know who aren't at all happy, but no doubt they're the exception that proves the rule. My mother was religious but ended her life feeling gloomy about her physical and mental decline. Her parents on the other hand (from what I saw of them) were religious and happy.

Of course you can argue that actually I do have an external belief system - socialism. And does it make me happy? That would be a whole new post....

Not so old?

Like most people, I guess, I take news of some especially long-lived oldie quite uncritically, but apparently a lot of these amazing ages may not be genuine, due to dubious documentation and other errors.

In 2010, more than 230,000 Japanese centenarians turned out to be missing, imaginary, clerical errors or dead. In Greece 72 per cent of census-reported centenarians in 2012 were discovered to be no longer alive.

Do we even want to live so long? Rising numbers of oldies are enduring chronic medical conditions that restrict their quality of life. And do we really want to wake up every day to yet more horrific crimes, international conflicts, dictators and corporate greed? Better a shortened age with a good quality of life than an advanced age that isn't any fun any more.

My mum lived until 96, by which time her quality of life was pretty poor. She had had dementia for several years, and had problems with walking and personal care, as well as having limited physical energy. Quite honestly, she would have been better off if she had died a few years earlier.

So I don't take any notice of people's sure-fire blueprints for living longer. I'll leave others to test them out. I'll happily accept whatever life span I've been allotted, as long as I'm still fit enough to enjoy it.

Meddling bullshit

People can't resist the urge to speculate madly about some police investigation, despite being warned that such speculation is obstructing official inquiries and spreading all sorts of wild conjecture.

The partner of Nicola Bulley, who was missing for 33 days early in the year, has described the online obsession with her disappearance as a monster that got out of control.

Paul Ansell said his family initially welcomed the huge public interest, but that changed when amateur sleuths on social media began posting numerous misleading theories about what had happened.

They accused him of killing her, misconstrued the limited information available, and released personal details about Nicola. Some people travelled to Lancashire to "help" the police, and simply got in the way.

Airing dubious theories in private to your family or friends is one thing (and I'm tempted to speculate as much as anyone else) but posting those theories online to thousands of impressionable people who're likely to keep repeating them indefinitely is another.

Of course a lot of the online speculation is just about getting attention, and the more attention the merrier.

Some of the would-be pundits even make out they're smarter than the police and have spotted things the police have overlooked. The sheer arrogance and self-inflation is breathtaking.

Unfortunately social media provides a perfect platform for these outpourings of meddling bullshit.

Pic: Nicola Bulley

Waited on

I sometimes fantasise about being so rich I can have everything done for me while I laze around doing nothing. I would be waited on hand and foot and not have to move a muscle.

But would I really enjoy that? Actually I think I'd hate it. I like doing things for myself and organising my own life. I wouldn't want other people butting in and doing things for me.

Apart from anything else they'd probably never do anything exactly the way I wanted it done and I'd have to keep putting them right. Or they'd be hanging around when I wanted a bit of privacy. Or I wouldn't get on with them and there'd be constant friction and annoyance.

How do the Royals put up with all the flunkeys attending to their every need? I suppose they've been waited on for so long they're totally used to it and would be horrified at having to do everything themselves.

I suppose being waited on is generally seen as a sign of luxury, but I'd rather have the luxury of doing things for myself the way I want to do them. Why be constantly beholden to other people for the most basic everyday actions?

For a while in London we took on a cleaner because we were both working full time and found it hard to fit in the housework. I was never comfortable about it though, I always felt we should somehow be managing to do the cleaning ourselves.

But I wouldn't mind a chauffeur to take over the hassle of driving.

Turning the clock back

I'm perpetually amazed by the number of people who desperately want to look younger, and resort to all sorts of dubious methods to achieve it. Why are they no sooner middle-aged than they want to turn the clock back and look young again? What's so awful about the way they look as they get older?

I've never wanted to look younger, I'm quite happy with the way I look at 77. I suppose I turned a few heads when I was young but I don't sit around pining for my lost looks and envying the latest generation of pretty young things.

Instead of wanting to look young again and wanting the attention that might bring, why can't we just be a bit more positive about the entirely natural appearance of older people instead of being embarrassed by it and seeking to erase it?

To my mind, many people look wise and more distinguished as they age, while the very young can look quite bland and characterless. And older people, because they've knocked around a bit, often have fascinating back stories.

But no, people want to slice away as many years as possible and artificially turn back time, and they'll try absolutely anything to get the desired effect. Botox, surgery, shapewear, anti-ageing cream, dental enhancements. Whatever it takes, and whatever it costs.

It's always tragic when some perfectly healthy youngster opts for a dodgy procedure at some unregulated foreign clinic and returns home with serious after-effects that the NHS has to put right. If they're even more unlucky, they might die on the operating table, leaving their family and friends to grieve.

We all have to grow older. Why try to fight it?

Edinburgh

All can now be revealed. I'm not on my death bed, I'm not in prison, I haven't been scammed for thousands of pounds. Jenny and I have just had a few days in Edinburgh.

We went to various museums and galleries, we went to Belfast Zoo, we went to Leith, which is the latest trendy Edinburgh district, and we met up with our old friend Sheila. Sheila was one of my oldest blog mates until she gave up blogging but turned into a long-term friend.

We stayed at the Premier Inn, which we've stayed at several times, but this time the standard had slipped a bit. The shower temperature was either very hot or stone cold, the fridge door was hanging off its hinges, and the windows hadn't been cleaned for a long while, which rather spoiled our view of Edinburgh Castle. But the hotel was warm and clean, the staff were friendly, and we had some great cooked breakfasts.

My favourite animals at the zoo were the meerkats. I love the way they stand on their back legs with their front legs drooping, watching what's going on. I also love the lemurs, which I'm told are the most endangered species on the planet - 95 per cent of lemur species are at risk of extinction.

Some facts about Edinburgh:

• The city is built on an extinct volcano
• It has more trees per head of population than any other UK city
• It has more listed buildings than anywhere in the world
• Grassmarket has a history of executions. Thieves, murderers and political outcasts were regularly hanged in the 18th and 19th centuries
• A unicorn is the national animal of Scotland

All in all, it was a bonnie wee holiday.

Intermission

There will now be a short intermission

I leave you with a selfie - in Brighton, May 2024

Just marvelling

Things (and people) I marvel at:

• Aeroplanes. How do these massive things manage to stay in the air?
• The internet. All 1613 of my posts are stored in some data centre somewhere. Not to mention endless information available at the click of a mouse. And dozens of other uses.
• Squirrels. They're considered to be among the most intelligent animals in the world. Known for their quickness, intellect, memory, and ability to plan ahead.
• Smart phones. Revolutionised communication. A mobile phone, camera and computer in one device.
• Cutting edge surgery and medical treatment. Previously incurable conditions can now be beaten.
• Love. What is it that makes us fall in love - possibly for an entire lifetime?
• The human brain. For its imagination, its ability to think and reason, its grasp of complexities, and its sudden surprising insights.
• Rock stars who're still alive despite the drugs, the booze, the junk food, the late nights. Mick Jagger is now 81.
• The pianist Yuja Wang. Her astonishing dexterity.
• The mass murmurations of starlings. How come they never collide with each other?
• Chinese trains that can travel at up to 286 mph.
• Polyglots. Like Ziad Fazah from Lebanon, who claims he can read and speak 58 languages including Arabic, Polish, Thai, Urdu, Norwegian, and many more. What's his secret?

There are probably many more things I marvel at, but they don't come to mind right now. I might add a few items as I think of them. We all need to marvel more and scoff less.