Keeping a crumbling marriage going "for the sake of the children" isn't necessarily the right thing to do. Ending the marital tension and bitterness and making a new start might actually be the better choice.
I wonder about all this because staying together "for the sake of the children" is probably what my parents did, except that they never said much about their relationship so it was never made explicit.
However, I do vividly remember that at one point my mother was planning to move out and took me and my sister to see several flats she might have moved into. As it turned out, things were patched up, the marriage continued, and the divorce never happened.
But there was always tension and bitterness in the marriage, which didn't do my emotional health any good. My father was bad-tempered and prone to verbally abusing my mother, as well as demanding she be the traditional housewife, cooking his meals and doing the cleaning.
Would it have been better if they had divorced, put an end to the constant tension and abrasiveness, and provided my sister and I with a calmer and happier household? I suspect the answer is yes and we kids would have benefited. But who can say? It's one of those nebulous what-if scenarios.
I've certainly seen what look like very fraught marriages and very emotionally troubled children, but who knows what the children need? And for that matter, what the parents need? Feeling more and more ground-down by a frustrating marriage is itself emotionally destructive.
Whatever the decision, it's a tough one.
From those I've been closest to, what happens after the divorce is key. Do the parents cooperate with child support and co-parenting or does it become a sh*tshow? That's when the real trauma can happen.
ReplyDeleteI come from a dysfunctional family where my parents were incompatible but had to stay together for the sake of the children. My mother had the choice of moving out with her children to her brother's home which was on offer but, decided to stay to make the father pay for at least the basic education of the children. That having achieved and some other social musts having been met, she walked out of the marriage after 35 years and never went back to his home or spoke to him till her death. She was cherished by her children who made sure that she lived life Queen size and her children, because of the background bonded strongly with each other and continue to do so even now. Perhaps it is the cultural difference that it was possible over here whereas it might have been different had it been in the West.
ReplyDeleteThis is something you'll always going to ponder, Nick. Life is full of these nagging 'what-ifs?' Nothing we can do except move forward.
ReplyDeleteSx
My parents divorced when I was quite young, somewhere between 1956 and 1959. I don't remember them fighting, but, then, I barely remember them being together. My maternal grandparents had a large role in my sister and my early lives, with several years where neither parent were even in the same state we lived in.
ReplyDeleteI have dealt with a lot of resentment over not having a "normal" childhood, though I don't think it had any significant adverse impact on my life. I can't help but believe though that my sister might have fared better had her childhood been more stable. She's had a rough go of it.
Having divorced parents was not so common back then as it is now.
Bijoux: True, the level of child support and co-parenting is a big issue. Too many men just walk off and refuse any responsibility for what happens to their kids.
ReplyDeleteRamana: It looks like that all worked out quite well with your mother being cherished by her children. And good for her making your father pay for the children's basic education.
Ms Scarlet: Oh, I don't spend much time thinking about what-ifs. It's all water under the bridge and like you, I believe in moving on.
ReplyDeleteMike: It sounds like you fared quite well despite the divorce, and were well looked after by your maternal grandparents. But why did your sister have a rougher time than you?
Life could have been a lot rougher for me as well. I had some very good role models that helped me have a good perspective and I had my own expectations for the future. I don't think my sister had that. Our grandparents influence with her ended at age 11, while it was 15 for me. My mom was very permissive with her. She was dating by 13, married at 15 and divorced by 20 with two young daughters, who, fortunately, have fared better in their life than their mother.
ReplyDeleteMuch of the time it's financial dependence that keeps a woman with children in the home of a man who abuses her. I do know my mother was unhappy in her marriage, a lot of repressed rage as my father was clearly lord and master and her opinions were squelched or derided. I've had the thought that today would be a different story but it is hard to say.
ReplyDeleteAs a single mother I can attest to the fact that my children's lifestyles tumbled downwards upon my divorce. There was never enough money and extra-curriculars had to be dropped and budgetary restraints put in place and the whole burden of parenting fell on me with their father depositing the monthly child support cheque into my back account but only seeing the children maybe once a week and never available for parent-teachers, etc.
There is no one solution.
XO
WWW
Mike: That's quite a difference in the way you two grew up. Marrying at 15 is not a wise move!
ReplyDeletewww: The man was clearly lord and master - a very familiar story. And quite often controlling tendencies only emerge after the marriage has been safely completed and the man can turn off the phoney charm.
Being a single mum can be a hell of a struggle. Normal domestic life suddenly becomes a nightmare of restrictions and restraints. As you say, there is no one solution.
I agree with www, finances have a lot to do with it, a lot more so in the past. My parents didn't get along that well and things didn't look up until my sister and I were in our early teens and my mother managed to get a job. She had been a stay-at-home mom and had a devil of a time passing a typing test even though she practiced and practiced at home. (We suspect it was the ancient typewriter she was using.) Money had been tight because of my father's drinking until she started working and had some money of her own. She ended up being able to buy a home which she dearly loved. No reason to divorce then even though the marriage wasn't perfect.
ReplyDeleteNeither of my parents were good ones so divorce didn't really help or hinder us kids.
ReplyDeleteI read a study recently that men who participated in the running of the household business, cooking, cleaning, childcare, got more sex and rated themselves happy. It's what women have known for years; if they don't have to fall down exhausted for sleep at the end of everyday, everyone is happier.
ReplyDeleteI imagine so much of it all might be cultural as to how trapped a woman feels.
ReplyDeleteI have a dear friend from Greece whose husband provided a beautiful home for her but that is all. no emotional support or anything short of groceries (which are for him too) and she is expected to 'keep the home.' they have one grown daughter now … always probably caught in the middle. he literally "shuns" my friend for months on end. and when he does speak he verbally attacks her. her self esteem is whittled to nothing as you can imagine. jobs are hard to come by for YOUNG people much less a homemaker in her middle 50's. and she knows! she has tried. and apartments are next to impossible to find. apparently they have all been turned into Air B&Bs. I don't know what the answer is for her. I think Greece is a very male oriented country. so it will remain a problem. it's very sad. she at least is close to her daughter and that gives her a lot of happiness.
If divorce or some kind of split happens, there are three stages...
ReplyDelete1. The lead up - probably bad, otherwise why split.
2. The split - can be bad, though may be a relief.
3. The aftermath - can be awful, but can also allow a reboot of the relationship in a positive co-parenting way. If that goes well, the prospects for the children are much brighter.
I was a. child of divorce. Based on that experience, my observations over the years, I determined I would never marry but if I did and had children I would keep the marriage together for the children’s sake at whatever the personal cost to me. I only gradually altered my views about wedding, for me, when I was in my mid-twenties and did finally marry in my late twenties. We were together almost 43 years when he died and did have children.
ReplyDeleteMany factors enter into why couples stay together, so it’s highly unique and can be different for each couple and those children. To assume life would have been better for the children had parents in a troubled marriage divorced is a mistake I think — from those I knew, considering my own life and parents, others I observed, that just hasn’t been true for all — some, i’m sure, but not all. In fact, for some it became worse for the children. Depending on the wife’s ability to earn a decent income and/or the husband’s willingness to continue parenting responsibilities — both financial and hands-on sharing in child rearing with attention to children’s need for his presence and him emotionally — without that divorce can result in children having other kinds of problems. On the other hand, can sometimes be best if one of the parents is out of the children’s lives. So, each couple must carefully consider all the issues in their own relationship, but often communication on a lot of that isn’t something they calmly, rationally and logically discuss due to all sorts of high emotions, often focused on self-interest taking precedent.
Jean: Finding a job seems to have been the making of your mum, as she was able to put aside a bit of money and then buy a home. I don't remember doing a typing test for my first job, but I'd been typing since I was 10 so I was pretty fast!
ReplyDeleteLinda: Good to know divorce didn't make much difference one way or the other.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: Absolutely. If the man does his fair share of the household chores, everyone benefits.
Tammy: That's a sad story about your friend. Her husband is obviously a total liability. And how upsetting for her daughter, stuck in the middle of it all.
ReplyDeleteblackwatertown: Yes, if the relationship can be rebooted in a positive way, some good can come out of the turmoil.
Joared: The factors you mention - the wife's earning ability and the husband's attitude to sharing the parenting - are crucial. And as you say, if the spouse has disappeared, that might be either a good or bad thing. Very true also that high emotion can get in the way of sorting out a practical way forward.
ReplyDeleteI would imagine that splitting up anacrimonious or abusive relationship would be better for any children of the union...but money plays an enormous part in the decision.
ReplyDeleteHelen: If neither partner can afford to set up on their own, their hands are tied. I guess it's money problems that keep a lot of couples together when they really ought to part company.
ReplyDeleteMy parents divorced when I was 14. I wish they had done it years before that because the trauma my brothers and I had to endure due to the hate and discontent was horrible. The effects can still be felt at times even today. When my 91 year old mother gives a 3-day dissertation of what a bastard my father was makes all those old feelings reemerge. Now, whenever she feels the need to bash him, when she finishes I make her say one good thing about him. She hates it, but she does it. I've noticed that she doesn't rant about he as often. I think she's afraid she'll run out of good things to say about him! lol
ReplyDeleteMildred: My mother never had a bad word to say about my father, even before she died at the age of 96. Yet she and I knew he was a bad-tempered authoritarian who kept my sister and I in a state of constant jitters waiting for the next angry outburst. But perhaps that silence was better than your mother's regular diatribes?
ReplyDeleteI think the truth is that children are all individuals. Some do well in a settled and secure environment, where they can live their lives and tune out the adults - much easier if they're not stuck in a flat with them all the time but can get out and find their own things to do. Some kids are crushed by disagreements and internalise them and often repeat the behaviours that have upset them becuase they know no different. Others turn difficulty to their advantage, often they are very good at helping those in similar situations when they grow up. So I don't think there's a set answer to this. The main thing I think is that adults shouldn't pull kids into their quarrels.
ReplyDeleteJenny: You're right, we're all different and a situation that might devastate one person can be handled quite well by another. And yes, adults shouldn't pull children into their quarrels. But they do just that time and again.
ReplyDeleteThe research is clear on this one - a conflictual marriage is damaging to children. And as for divorce, sure it's tough. But parents can work together and make it a decent situation or they can behave like toddlers and make it horrific.
ReplyDelete