Self-pity is defined as a feeling of excessive unhappiness about one's problems. I never sat around thinking "Woe is me. This is dreadful. Why have I been picked on? Why is life so unfair?" I tend to take most problems in my stride, solving them as best I can and moving on.
So my bed-sit landlords never did any repairs, never installed central heating and never got rid of the pervading damp in the building. I cursed the company freely and then just got on with my life. So one of my bookshop managers micromanaged everyone and expected us all to work feverishly and not waste time nattering. We just called him an authoritarian arsehole and downed tools the moment he went out for a fag break.
In fact my father was much more prone to self-pity than I am. He would be fuming for hours over a boss who constantly messed him around and jumped on the smallest error. He couldn't accept that some bosses can be pernickety sods and you just have to deal with it. If he expected to have a perfect boss who never upset him, he wasn't living in the real world.
Of course if my life had been one awful disaster after another, I daresay I would have struggled to avoid self-pity and I would seriously have asked, why have I had it so bad? It would be hard to simply carry on and tell myself "C'est la vie"'.
I once saw a cartoon where two old ladies were sitting with their feet in a puddle. One was saying, "It's OK to splash your feet in the pity puddle sometimes but you are not supposed to get down and wallow in it."
ReplyDeleteLinda
Linda: A very nice metaphor! Yes, wallowing in your troubles gets you nowhere.
DeleteNot much point in it, is there...it doesn't solve the problem and wastes time best spent in trying to cope with it.
ReplyDeleteFly: Indeed, it doesn't solve the problem, it just amplifies it.
DeleteNick, self-pity is an unknown word for me..Self- pity stopps all positive actions, but I have two friends who dwell in self-pity for mostly insignificant reasons. Saïd can be very harsh with them and I find their way to complain really exhausting.
ReplyDeleteHannah
Hannah: People who complain endlessly about the latest setback in their life are incredibly annoying. We abandoned one friend who did nothing but complain and seemed to have no positive views about anything.
DeleteI pity anyone who has never felt self-pity. When you are ten years old and fall off your bike and badly graze your knee, bleeding like a pig, it's ok to cry. Nothing that your mother's cooling hand can't fix.
ReplyDeleteThe examples you give (severely negligent landlord, unaware boss) and not doing anything about it, just knuckling under, mean you were caving in instead of standing up for yourself. So you rather live with the damaging-your-health effects of, say, damp in your flat than rock the boat?
I am not given to self pity since I am a doer. Doing nothing is either ... or just plain ... Fill in the spaces.
If the above sounds harsh do feel free to pity yourself.
U
Ursula: I didn't do anything about those situations for good reasons. I had somewhere cheap to live and I was saving money to (hopefully) buy a place of my own. But I was there a lot longer than I imagined. The damp in the building (not in my bedsit) never affected my health.
DeleteThe micromanager I put up with because I assumed he would move on to another job fairly soon - which he did. And I didn't want to leave because I was working with a great bunch of people.
Yes, one does need to weigh up pros and cons of how to best handle a less than desirable situation.
DeleteHaving thought about your post a little more (I went for a walk - good for the mind) I raise you and offer you something far worse than SELF pity. HA! Don't ask. It's when you pity someone else. I don't mean pitying the starving, dying or whatever else disaster has befallen them. That's, obviously, only humane. I mean perfectly ok-ish people who, unknowingly and over time, destroy all the respect and affection you had for them. Only pitying them remains. It's a death sentence - for any relationship, be it a romantic one, a filial one, a friendship.
Let me know what you think.
U
Ursula: Well, that's a very different situation of course. But certainly destroying other people's respect and affection for you is pretty tragic. And if you add self pity to that, and other people pitying you, I guess that's a lot worse than simple self pity.
DeleteUrsula nails it!
DeleteI can not abide the woe-is-me person and will be at pains to actively avoid them
Kylie: Yes, in all the time I've known you I've never got that "woe is me" vibe.
DeleteThere’s always someone worse off - this thought usually puts me off wallowing. We’re all under the cosh in some way.
ReplyDeleteI felt a little bit down when I was ill - but that’s mainly because it was so hard to get a doctor’s appointment.
Sx
Ms Scarlet: That's what I tell myself too. My spartan bedsit was nothing at all compared to people who're living in mould-ridden flats with leaking roofs and drug-addled neighbours.
DeleteAnother blog friend of mine has told me he has had to stop following a number of blogs because of posts that are constantly 'woe is me.' It's hard to deal with on a continual basis.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: I've encountered a few of those, and I gave up on them after a while. As you say, it's hard to deal with.
DeleteI think I do a bit of the old self-pitying stuff ... but I try to remind myself that things aren't bad in my life at all and to have some persepctive.
ReplyDeleteLiam: It's easy to exaggerate our problems and forget that many people are going through a lot worse.
DeleteI reflect on things but I don't feel sorry for myself because of them.
ReplyDeleteMary: You seem altogether a very sanguine sort of person who just takes life as it comes.
DeleteI guess I do just take things as they come. You can't really do anything else.
DeleteI believe being judgmental around self-pity is quite alienating as. there is always something else going on underneath and if we are to be compassionate and understanding it might help them. I had to deal with one such person last night. Out of her mind with self pities and woe is mes and everyone's out to get me. I had to be, basically, a psychologist, in attempting to get to the root of her problem. Which I did. The trouble is in definition, walking away, rolling the eyes. And then wringing the hands and saying "I don't know why they offed themselves." If I had been walked away from in my hour of terrible need I would be dead today.
ReplyDeleteWe can't behave as if immune to such troubled souls. And troubled they are, I can vouch for it.
XO
WWW
www: That's a very interesting take on self pity. Yes, it makes sense that there's something much deeper going on under the self pity, something that could be fatal if not dealt with. I'm glad you could get to the root of what was troubling that person.
DeleteI agree. I think self pity like many other emotions can often arise from other emotions, notably frustration and feelings of genuine helplessness or depression. Jenny W
DeleteJenny: That's roughly what wise web woman said. I agree that other debilitating emotions could be underlying the self pity.
DeleteI get angry if people deliberately mess me around and then I try to do something to change the situation. But also, emotions can morph into other feelings and I know that anger could develop into self pity if I give into it. As I prefer to be constructive I really try not to "sweat the small stuff" or waste energy on minor issues and things that can't be changed. That seems to work best for me
ReplyDeleteJenny: Yes, a lot of energy can be wasted on minor issues as well as the big ones. And a lot of energy can be wasted on situations that simply can't be changed, only adjusted to or walked away from.
DeleteMy phone seems to insist I am anonymous by the way! I can't get it to use the right account!🙂 Jenny W .
ReplyDelete