All emotional

It's the norm these days that we should all express our emotions as much as possible, and if you tend to keep your emotions to yourself that's not healthy.

Well, I'm one of those emotionally cautious types, trying not to express my feelings publicly unless they're positive and helpful rather than damaging.

Many emotions are harmful (jealousy, contempt, hatred, resentment, to name a few), yet people casually fling them around as if they're harmless.

One result is the ferocious hatred directed at celebrities on social media, and the bitter conflicts over things like transgender, immigration and diversity.

It's a cliché that therapists tend to ask "how do you feel about that?", as if feelings are the key to very problem. But that isn't the case. Often it's the way you look at a situation that's the key and not feelings.

Expressing your jealousy or resentment that someone else is doing better than you are at something won't help the situation, but working out why that person is doing better and following their example would be a lot more productive.

I missed out on the jealousy gene altogether and I've never felt jealous about anyone. It makes more sense to focus on my own life and how it's going.

There are plenty of emotions swilling about inside me, I just prefer to express them prudently rather than freely.

What is love?

It occurs to me that love means different things depending on what age you are. In particular what it means to a youngster is not what it means to an oldie.

A youngster may never have been in love, and may not even know what it feels like. They may confuse love with all sorts of other feelings. Have they fallen in love or is it something more prosaic? Is it just a crush, an obsession, fondness, friendship, or simply lust? Asking other people may not help because it's such a personal experience and impossible to explain.

There are plenty of examples of youngsters who thought they were in love, rushed into marriage, and then a short time later realised it wasn't love at all and had to divorce.

An oldie like me however knows exactly what love is because I've been in love with Jenny for 43 years and the feeling is well established. I have no problem telling love from other similar feelings. When I fell for Jenny it was the first time I had been in love so it only gradually dawned on me that that's what it was (I didn't really love my parents, I appreciated everything they did for me but that was it).

Is it love if the feeling isn't reciprocated? That's something I'm not sure of even at my advanced age. I thought I was in love with a bookshop workmate but she never reciprocated so was that love or just a one-sided crush? And what about all those people who say they "love" a public figure - a show-biz celebrity or one of the Royals - even if they've never even met the person? How can that be any more than devotion or admiration?

What is love? It's complicated....

Should I vent?

There's a general assumption that it's healthier to vent your emotions as much as possible, and that suppressing them is bad for you. You shouldn't "bottle it all up" or "keep things to yourself", you should let it all out - no matter how startling or awkward it might be to others.

But is such openness as healthy as it's said to be? Is it really a good idea to be seething with rage or collapsing in tears or voicing jealousy and hatred? Does that actually make you happier or calmer or better at coping with life?

Of course I would ask that, wouldn't I, as someone who tends to be emotionally restrained and not publicly displaying my feelings for all to see. But I'm not convinced laying it all on the line would be helpful.

I once had a workmate called Helen who was permanently angry. Just about anything would set her off, and all day she'd be raging about one thing or another. I couldn't see that being at constant boiling point did her any good. She just looked perpetually frazzled and worn down.

I had another workmate called Pat who felt forever cheated and swindled, complaining ceaselessly about all the awful things that had happened to her, all the ways she'd been mistreated and taken advantage of. It may have been largely true, but even if the rest of us were sympathetic, it was exhausting listening to this depressing litany all day. And it clearly didn't help her to be so habitually overwrought.

Am I somehow depleted by being only sparingly emotional? Would it do me good to give my emotions free rein? Would I enjoy spluttering with anger or seething with jealousy? Somehow I doubt it. I'm quite happy the way I am.

Hard feelings

I do envy those people whose emotions are easily accessible, who know instantly if they're angry or jealous or sad or whatever.

I'm not like that at all. Sometimes my feelings are clear but at other times I have to dig them out from under a thick layer of repression, confusion and politeness.

I have to ask myself, what's going on here? What am I feeling, if anything? Am I really unruffled and unaffected, or am I quietly seething with rage or burning with resentment? What am I hiding in a dark corner somewhere?

Some people may wish they were less visibly emotional, that they weren't a constant maelstrom of violent ups and downs, but personally I'd like to bring a bit more emotion to the surface. I'd like to be a bit less of an unreadable sphinx.

Where this cool exterior somes from I don't know. Maybe it's just my personality. Maybe it's masculine conditioning. Maybe I'm afraid of exposing too much and getting hurt. Whatever it is, it's frustrating. Too often, I'm just unsure what's going on inside me.

I may imagine that by being less emotional, I'm thinking things through more clearly. But that has to be an illusion. I'm simply not aware of how my buried emotions are still affecting my thinking anyway. They'll make their presence felt somehow, whether I like it or not.

If I can just push away all the psychological sludge that's submerging my feelings, they might flow a bit more easily. I might even learn to wear my heart on my sleeve instead of behind my back.

No offence meant

How easy it is to unwittingly cause offence. It doesn't take much to say or do the wrong thing and get right up someone's nostrils.

It's odd though - despite knowing from my own experience how easily people can be offended, my personal quirks still lead me into unexpected foot-in-mouth situations.

Oh yes, I learnt about being offended very early on. My father was given to torrents of abuse in which he accused me of everything from idleness and stupidity to wasting his hard-earned money. At school I was bullied and teased by the other boys for being too different and too independent. Because of that I'm very aware that people have private sensitivities and traumas that can be quickly aroused.

But it doesn't stop me upsetting someone without meaning to. Firstly because face-to-face I'm not articulate enough and can easily put things in a way that gets misinterpreted. Secondly because my typical male upbringing means I'm not as emotionally literate as I should be, and I miss subtle signals and messages.

Someone tells me I've implied they're insincere and cynical. Or that they're naive and gullible. And I think, goodness that's not what I meant, how did they get that impression?

But at least I set out not to cause offence, unlike some who seem to take a delight in causing as much offence as possible. They believe self-expression is sacrosanct and if someone is offended by what they've said, that's too bad. People shouldn't be so thin-skinned and over-sensitive.

And if someone does complain of being offended, instead of apologising they take it as a green light to offend them some more and get them really steamed-up*.

One can only wonder at the elements in their own upbringing that have inspired such casual disregard for other people's feelings.

* Journalists of course being the prime example, witness the endless moralising diatribes against 'misbehaving' celebs and politicians.