Bonfire madness

It's traditional the day before July 12 in Northern Ireland to have bonfires to celebrate the victory of Protestant King William of Orange over Catholic King James II at the Battle of the Boyne in 1690. Which is fair enough if you really want to commemorate something that happened several centuries ago.

The problem is that the bonfires are getting bigger and bigger because of rivalry between the bonfire-builders, and there is increasing worry that they're too dangerous and their size ought to be limited so nobody gets hurt.

Last year John Steele died after falling from a bonfire stack at Larne*, and local councillors were told six months ago that "they cannot simply ignore the activity and do nothing." Despite the warning, an even taller bonfire stack has now been built in Larne.

It's so high (over 200 feet) that the builders hope to get it into the Guinness Book of Records. They needed elaborate scaffolding to enable them to build it.

It's not the first time bonfires have caused a problem. In 2016 two terraced houses were destroyed and another damaged close to a bonfire in Belfast. It was thought the fire was caused by burning embers blown through the air.

In 2021 a teenager suffered serious injuries after being engulfed in a fireball at a bonfire in north Belfast. He was treated in hospital for burns to his face and body.

There is regular discussion by politicians about bringing in stricter regulations on bonfires, including a maximum height, but nothing much happens for fear of a violent reaction among the bonfire builders and their supporters.

Sooner or later there will surely be another tragedy, followed by more fruitless political discussions.

Update, June 11: The bonfire builders have abandoned their world record attempt and will use the funds raised to support a young girl undergoing cancer treatment. 

Pic: The absurdly high bonfire stack at Larne, close to several houses.

*Larne is on the east coast of Northern Ireland, north of Belfast Lough

Mind the biscuit

Can it really be true that 25 million Britons have been injured while eating biscuits? And that the worst offenders are those innocent-looking custard creams?

A new survey claims biscuits are pretty dangerous objects. You could be hit by flying fragments, scald yourself while dunking them, poke yourself in the eye, or fall off your chair getting them from a shelf.

Is this really credible? Have you personally ever been injured by a biscuit? Do you know anyone who has? Do you know anyone who's ever heard of anyone who has? Or is your life mysteriously free of biscuit-related catastrophes?

I suspect the whole unlikely scenario was invented by a bored teenager on work experience, munching a particularly unexciting and nondescript custard cream.

The research company however insists its results are absolutely genuine and painstakingly gathered. "We tested the physical properties of 15 popular types of biscuit, along with aspects of their consumption such as dunkability and crumb dispersal."

So there you have it. How thorough is that? So thorough that no doubt several researchers were themselves injured as they tested dunkability and fragmentation-potential. Some of them are probably still in intensive care right now, martyrs to exhaustive scientific inquiry.

Oh, and I haven't even listed all the possible dangers of biscuit-handling. You could also break a tooth or filling, be bitten by a pet competing for the biscuit, choke on the crumbs, or slip on a crushed digestive. Believe me, it's lethal out there.

Next up from this diligent research team: the mounting death toll from pot noodle. Hospitals overwhelmed as popular snack proves fatal. Could you be at risk?

Lethal plastic

It saddens me that our massive amounts of plastic waste are harming and killing so many animals. But it's hard to see how the waste can be significantly reduced.

Plastic products like beach toys, toothbrushes and used condoms are suffocating and poisoning birds and sea creatures and clogging their intestines.

The deaths and injuries often happen far from land or built-up areas so we're blissfully unaware of what's happening unless we read about it.

Some 250 species are affected from albatrosses to whales, many of them simply unable to distinguish between plastic and bona fide food.

It's horrible to think that the empty shampoo bottle I'm casually discarding could end up slaughtering some unsuspecting turtle or seal, but what can I do?

We use so many plastic-based products and so much plastic packaging that there's not much scope for cutting down.

I try not to buy plastic items unless I have to. I try to avoid things with ludicrous amounts of wrapping. I refuse plastic bags wherever possible. I do my best to recycle. But that's a drop in a bucket compared to what's needed.

The tide of waste is swollen by our phenomenal consumption levels and our insatiable desire for new gadgets, make-overs and 101 items that come swaddled in plastic.

But how many people are prepared to say, okay, I'm happy with what I've got, I don't really need to replace it or update it? We're all tempted by fashion and other people's enthusiasms to add to our Most Wanted list.

Meanwhile yet another innocent creature is fighting for its life, not knowing what it is that's stopping it breathing or flying or eating. And unlike us, it can't just dial 999.
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It's reported that 2000 police officers were protecting the Olympic torch relay from pro-Tibet protests as it travelled through London from Wembley to Greenwich yesterday. Why do we need a symbolic Olympic torch or a torch relay anyway? Isn't the Olympics enough?

In fact the Olympic torch relay was started by the Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels at the 1936 Summer Olympics in Germany. It was an attempt to turn the Games into a glorification of the Third Reich by using 3000 Aryan (i.e. non-Jewish) relay runners. In other words the relay has thoroughly despicable origins.