Muddling through

My mum was always fiercely independent, right till her death at 96. She dreaded being a burden on others, and in a difficult situation would "make do" or "muddle through" rather than depend on other people. However overwhelmed she got, she was loathe to ask for help.

Even in her eighties and nineties, she moved to new homes on her own. She looked after her finances on her own. She went on holidays on her own. She did her domestic chores on her own, apart from having a regular cleaner. If I knew something rather big and demanding was on the way, I would offer to help, but she always refused.

It gradually became apparent to my sister, brother in law, niece and myself that despite her making out everything was fine, in reality she wasn't coping very well. She wasn't doing much housework, she wasn't eating properly, she was losing interest in the outside world, she would sit for hours doing nothing, there were piles of junk everywhere and so on. But she still resisted any outside help.

It was only very slowly we became aware that she'd gone beyond not-coping-very-well and was now just letting everything slide. Her flat was getting filthier, bills weren't being paid, she was missing meals, she wasn't keeping up with old friends, she wasn't sending birthday or Christmas cards, she could barely maintain a conversation. We reluctantly concluded that she needed to go into a care home and be properly looked after, and that's what we arranged. And that's where she died nine months later.

But what strikes me is that she never asked for help. She always pretended she was on top of everything and shrugged off the very suggestion she wasn't coping. If only she had been able to ask for help, her last few years could have been quite different.

I suspect a lot of elderly people are the same. Just the thought of being a burden on others really upsets them. They would do anything rather than admit their frailty.

Pic: not my mum!

People pleasing

The constant urge to please other people can become so severe that you completely crush your own self. The only thing that matters is that everyone else likes and admires you.

In her new book, Jacqui Marson describes how one Christmas she ignored a broken arm for ten days to keep other people happy and not let them down.

She says she always wanted to look "lovely", even if inside she was seething with resentment or frustration and bottling up all her real feelings.

She felt ashamed to ask for help or say no. She always did what authority figures asked her to do. She always took on too much. She simply couldn't resist other people's demands.

Gradually she learnt how to stop pleasing people and be herself, even if it meant disagreeing with them and not being what they expected. But it was a hard struggle.

I'm not as bad as that, but there's definitely a part of me that wants to say yes rather than no, that wants to be nice rather than nasty, that shies away from conflict and hostility.

Saying no or being nasty doesn't come naturally to me. I have to consciously decide that's what I need to do and then do it. I always feel a bit uncomfortable and awkward about digging my heels in and taking an opposing view. I'd much rather smile and agree and keep everything friendly.

I've been told often enough that I take too much notice of other people's opinions, but the fact is I want people to think well of me. I don't want them to be secretly despising me. I can't just say, I don't care what they think. Whatever the reason - pride, ego, vanity - I do care and I cross swords reluctantly.