Even in her eighties and nineties, she moved to new homes on her own. She looked after her finances on her own. She went on holidays on her own. She did her domestic chores on her own, apart from having a regular cleaner. If I knew something rather big and demanding was on the way, I would offer to help, but she always refused.
It gradually became apparent to my sister, brother in law, niece and myself that despite her making out everything was fine, in reality she wasn't coping very well. She wasn't doing much housework, she wasn't eating properly, she was losing interest in the outside world, she would sit for hours doing nothing, there were piles of junk everywhere and so on. But she still resisted any outside help.
It was only very slowly we became aware that she'd gone beyond not-coping-very-well and was now just letting everything slide. Her flat was getting filthier, bills weren't being paid, she was missing meals, she wasn't keeping up with old friends, she wasn't sending birthday or Christmas cards, she could barely maintain a conversation. We reluctantly concluded that she needed to go into a care home and be properly looked after, and that's what we arranged. And that's where she died nine months later.
But what strikes me is that she never asked for help. She always pretended she was on top of everything and shrugged off the very suggestion she wasn't coping. If only she had been able to ask for help, her last few years could have been quite different.
I suspect a lot of elderly people are the same. Just the thought of being a burden on others really upsets them. They would do anything rather than admit their frailty.
Pic: not my mum!
Interesting thoughts to consider. That’s probably true for some people. I wonder if, perhaps, your Mom and some others simply don’t perceive they are as frail as they are? For some maybe they think they’ll be better able to take care of things soon, expecting to feel better. Of course, the knowledge that revealing any frailty requiring help could result in being moved from home can keep some people from asking, I suppose. Having to leave the home symbolizes much more than just needing to live where there was more care available. Some think of it as the beginning of the end so want to avoid that.
ReplyDeleteI think Joared is spot on.
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My husband and I have been dealing with these same issues for about 8 years now with 4 parents and 2 aunts who are alone and no children of their own. It's one of the hardest things we've ever faced. Now that both of our fathers are gone, there's the grief aspect to deal with. I hope everything has been settled with your mom's estate and that you have some peace about your relationship.
ReplyDeleteJoared: I think all your points are very valid. Yes, she probably didn't want to admit her frailty and yes, she didn't want to go into a care home. Though that's all guesswork because she never opened up about her feelings.
ReplyDeleteMs Scarlet: I also agree with Joared's suggestions.
Bijoux: With four people who're alone and childless, their long-term well-being must be quite a worry for you. My mum's estate is all dealt with now, and I do have peace about the relationship because I think we all did as much as we could, bearing in mind as I say that she wanted to maintain her independence and did her best to hide an increasing helplessness.
ReplyDeleteI think Joared is right. My mother has finally been persuaded to undertake rehab in a specialised unit, but her great worry is being removed from her home as needing care, afraid that she will never return.
ReplyDeleteShe is making good progress and the plan is for her to return home shortly but it would have been better for her physically had she accepted the rehab earlier.
How ironic, your mother had so much help available, and did not know how to use it. One of my infrequent themes is "more old people die of loneliness than any other cause". Please do not construct what I will say as criticism. It merely is conjecture, from my point of view as an isolated old woman surrounded by alienated family. Friend or family, someone needed to step up and take charge sooner. Become a caring friend with time to give. The same sort of time given to spouse should be carved out to be given to an isolated, lonely parent. I'm sure a long period went by when mom could still lean on a neighbor or an old friend for attention. But one day that was gone, and there was no other friend, child, relative who made the commitment. Is it a responsibility of the next generation to make a commitment? I think it is. I gave my mother a home and a friend for the last fifteen years of her life. It took accommodation on both parts, for she was the fiercely independent person who managed her finances until the day before she died. She was grateful, and thanked me once. I was happy. Now I've consumed half hour column as my soapbox. Thank you. All I have to say is more old people die of loneliness than any other cause. And now I will hit publish.
ReplyDeleteHelen: It's good that your mother has finally agreed to go into a rehab unit for a while. But I can well understand her anxiety about whether she will return home or not.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: Thanks for that very long and thoughtful comment. Don't worry, I don't take your comment as criticism, all viewpoints are most welcome. Yes, my mum could probably have done with more care and company from her family once she was losing touch with all her friends. But (1) we didn't realise for a long while that she wasn't keeping up with her friends as she never mentioned it (2) It was difficult to "take charge" as she resisted any such "interference" in her life, but I did manage to take over her finances and we did manage to persuade her to go into a care home. (3) Ideally I would have kept a close eye on her, but I was 350 miles away across the Irish Sea so that wasn't possible. My sister is of course totally disabled and would not be able to help. My niece is a full-time nurse who is also studying for a nursing qualification so she had little spare time to keep an eye on my mum. Also, she lived 31 miles away. My brother in law could have kept a closer eye on my mum, but he was dealing with several personal medical problems and could only drop in on my mum now and again. So although ideally we would have kept a closer eye on her, in practice it wasn't so easy.
ReplyDeleteI hope that doesn't sound too defensive or evasive! Just trying to explain the circumstances.
It's very tricky Nick, and baffling as to know what to do. My dad had a tidy ending. He drove himself to the hospital with his heart attack and tidily died about a week later in the hospital bed having asked my sister to bring in his best suit. We were very grateful for his consideration. No mess no fuss.
ReplyDeleteBut I've seen awkward situations like your mum, the thin line of interference and control. We just do the best we can.
Daughter and Niece and friends look out for me here and I am very grateful for their requests to assist with medical appointments and tests but so far I've managed on my own. But there will be a day.
I think the fact I moved into my senior living environment has been a great move for me and for those who care about me. Simplifying things.
Others in my acquaintance hang on too long to the homestead and often have to be shovelled out in various stages of disarray and confusion (but, of course, like your mum, unaware of it).
XO
WWW
www: You were lucky your father died so "tidily" without all the usual anxieties about care-giving etc. Good that you have plenty of people looking out for you. Also good that you moved into your new home in such a timely fashion.
ReplyDeleteMy mum did in fact move out of her four-bedroom house while she was still fairly fit and healthy, recognising that looking after a large house and garden properly simply wasn't realistic any more.
Your mother is one type that I am familiar with as I am with a couple of others. One is the demanding type that keeps asking for all kinds of help/assistance from family as a matter of right. My late father was one like that as are some other oldies that I know. Another is the totally helpless sort that without asking for any help or assistance makes it clear in subtle ways that help would be very welcome indeed. What I call manipulators. There are a few in my circle of friends and relatives.
ReplyDeleteI am sensible enough and senior enough to accept my limitations and ask for help. And I am very grateful when that is given to me.
Ramana: My mum didn't even ask for help in subtle ways - unless you include buying too much food, not cleaning the kitchen properly, or constantly losing important documents. The family only gradually understood that things were getting out of control.
ReplyDeleteI hope I will also be sensible enough to accept my limitations when the time comes.
My mother moved into my brother's home to help him--not because she realized she needed help herself. She always said she didn't want to go live with a bunch of old people who did nothing but gossip about one another. When Mom's dementia got to the point where my brothers could no longer care for her they found her care in the home of a family where the parents were certified to care for dementia patients; Mom loved the young daughters of that family. I was lucky that my brothers were there for Mom as every time I visited she declared I only came to try to interfere in her life. The last time I visited before she died she thought I was her sister. I was glad to get to meet her care family, though.
ReplyDeleteLinda: That was a brilliant idea, moving her to a family home where the parents were qualified to look after dementia patients. Sort of fostering for the elderly, I guess. How come she thought you were interfering in her life?
ReplyDeleteIt's tough - I can understand not asking for help if it meant being moved somewhere I didn't want to be, even if that was in my best interests. I really hope to be able to die at home.
ReplyDeleteAgent: Moving home is a massive upheaval for elderly people who've been living in the family home for decades. My mum moved three times in the last few years, which must have been exhausting.
ReplyDeleteI'd also like to die at home - either a massive heart attack or dying in my sleep.
Nick:
ReplyDeleteMom interpreted any question relating to how she was doing as interfering. She couldn't see those questions as caring. She always thought answering them was going to give me reason to make her change something.
Then there was the flip side--she asked for help figuring out her finances so we went out there to see how we could help. Then she wouldn't let us look at anything relating to finances. I asked her how she expected us to help and she said she didn't want help she just wanted us to come visit and she thought that was the best way to get us there.
Then there was the time she called to say she was home from the hospital. I asked why she didn't tell me she was in the hospital and she said she didn't want me to worry. She didn't understand that now I would worry she was in the hospital and I wouldn't know. Her need to be seen as independent was a problem she refused to acknowledge.
Linda: Yes, my mum was exactly the same when it came to "interfering". I think she was always suspicious of too many personal questions.
ReplyDeleteShe never asked me to help with her finances, and never told me any of the details. I guess she was afraid I might try to steal all her money. But she did eventually agree to my having power of attorney when it was clear her finances were getting in a bit of a mess.
I think my mum was also the same about hospitals. I would only learn she was in hospital when someone else informed me, or after she had returned home.
When she was still in a sheltered flat, she got in the habit of not answering the phone, so I couldn't even contact her and had to rely on news from my brother in law.
Helping an older parent remain independent is no easy task while balancing one’s own life, especially if there’s considerable geographic distance between them. — been there, done that. We usually do the best we can.
ReplyDeleteJoared: Yes, I was working 2½ days a week so I had to fit visits to mum around my workdays. And the journey from East Belfast to St Ives in Cambridgeshire was quite a laborious one, so I didn't do it that often.
ReplyDeleteMy mother visited my grandmother in a nursing home for years and one thing she was afraid of was winding up in one. I'm grateful that when she was dying of lung cancer her lover and I could care for her so she could die in her beloved home. Again, I am so grateful.
ReplyDeleteJean: That's good that your mother was able to die at home, looked after by family members. I must say I also hate the idea of ending up in a care home. Even the best-run homes can still be rather dismal, depressing places.
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