Nick: Well, Santa, are you looking forward to delivering all those presents on Christmas Eve?
Santa: You must be joking. It's an absolute nightmare. It's one crisis after another. The elves go on strike for better pay and conditions. Or the sleighs need urgent repairs. Or the reindeer have fallen sick. Or the wrapping paper's run out and we can't get any more for a week. I'm too old for this malarkey. I've had it up to here. Once Christmas is over, I'm retiring to my Caribbean penthouse and someone else will have to take the reins.
Nick: That's terrible. But you've done the job for quite long enough. You deserve a good long rest. Everyone takes you for granted. If they don't have the right presents on Christmas Day, they abuse you non-stop on Twitter and send you threatening letters. You could do without it.
Santa: Too true. I can't wait to put it all behind me. I can shave off this horrible scratchy beard, chuck out this ludicrous bobble hat, throw away this ridiculous red outfit (I've always hated the colour red), stop being polite to all those little brats who come to the grotto, and stop saying "ho ho ho" every two minutes.
Nick: So what are your plans for retirement? What's on your bucket list?
Santa: I'm going to get super fit. A whole new lifestyle. It's horrifying how much weight I've gained sitting on my arse in the toy factory all day. From now on it's the gym every morning, jogging, rock climbing, yoga. I'll be thin as a rake, with rock-hard muscles and the heart of a teenager. You won't recognise me if you pass me on the street.
Nick: That's terrific. I can't wait for the selfies in six months' time.
Santa: No selfies. I've had enough attention to last a lifetime. I shall just vanish.
Nick: Ho ho ho!
Yes, I would like to just vanish. I wonder how...
ReplyDeleteJoanne: I sometimes feel the same. If I could just vanish and leave all the horrible problems of the world behind....
ReplyDeleteas a little kid I remember seeing a small jar of cream that was my grandmother's. I asked her what was in it and the answer was Vanishing Cream.
ReplyDeleteI remember being VERY puzzled by that. would my grandmother vanish someday? just like the magicians made people vanish? just by putting on that cream?
so many important questions unanswered in this world!
and nobody ever tells about it all from poor Santa's point of view!
but since he's magic you know... I wouldn't worry about him too much! it's his reindeer I feel sorry for!
Happy Egg and Nog Nick! I've enjoyed your posts this year! xo
Tammy: I also remember being mystified by vanishing cream. And yes, we never hear Santa's point of view. There's a lot going on behind the benevolent exterior.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you enjoyed my posts. I miss your blog, Tammy, you have such a unique and refreshing view of the world.
Another refugee for Costa Rica...
ReplyDeleteThank you for the chuckle!
ReplyDeleteHelen: He wasn't being too precise about the location as he doesn't want hordes of Santa fans invading his new-found peace and quiet. But who knows, he might live just round the corner from you?
ReplyDeleteJean: I thought it was a long time since I'd done a funny post, and Santa was a golden opportunity.
Do you remember this? "But sometimes I forget myself. I once told Santa he was a drunken old fool who needed to lose some weight. I haven't had a present from him since."
ReplyDeleteI am surprised that he condescended to give you an interview.
No, I have not yet received a reply to my letter to him.
There you go Nick, if you need a part-time seasonal job it seems this one's up for grabs. You know you want to! And you'd get to look after the reindeer too!! PLUS, you wouldn't have to change your first name.
ReplyDeleteSx
P.S HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!!!
ReplyDeleteSxxx
Ramana: That remark was many years ago. He forgave me and consented to an interview. I think the two large bottles of whisky may have helped.
ReplyDeleteMs Scarlet: Too much like hard work. You'd have to be desperate to take the job. Luckily Nickhereandnow Merchandising plc is highly profitable.
And Happy Christmas to you too, sweetie!
I know this will sound odd, but Santa Claus creeps me out.
ReplyDeleteAgent: I know what you mean. Unfortunately a tubby old man with an unknown child on his knee now has all sorts of negative connotations. Maybe it's about time a female Santa Claus took over.
ReplyDeleteI never was a fan of the Clausman. A lot of the Xmas stuff creeps me out, but we celebrate Solstice which is more meaningful to us.
ReplyDeleteXO
WWW
www: As I said to Agent, a tubby old man that nowadays you'd be suspicious of. So what are the other Christmas things that creep you out?
ReplyDeletePoor Santa! I’ll bet he’s planning to leave this polluted planet before it becomes uninhabitable.
ReplyDeleteJoared: Could be. He's very concerned about climate breakdown. The reason he still uses a sleigh and reindeer to deliver presents is because they have no carbon emissions.
ReplyDeleteWay to go Santa. Merry Christmas to you and Jenny x
ReplyDeletePolly: Thanks. And a Happy Christmas to you too!
ReplyDelete