There are no clear answers. Every parent has their own guidelines as to how much cocooning or how much real-life exposure is appropriate or healthy. When real-life nowadays is often so squalid and monstrous, it's a serious dilemma.
Certainly in my own childhood I was very much cocooned. My parents tended to keep me away from newspapers, news reports and gruesome local happenings and encouraged me to stay immersed in my own private world of model trains, comics, glove puppets and my sister's dolls house.
When I started work as a local newspaper journalist, it came as a big shock to discover the realities of everyday life that I had been so ignorant of - poverty, homelessness, drug addiction, grim working conditions and all the rest.
But what should parents do? On the one hand, they want their kids to enjoy a carefree innocent childhood for as long as possible, and not risk their being traumatised by everyday atrocities they aren't ready to deal with.
On the other hand, they don't want their kids to grow up naive and unworldly, unaware of just how brutal and barbaric and wretched some people's lives may be, and how we all need to do our bit to create a fairer world.
These days of course it's virtually impossible to keep your child cocooned. Very early on they'll discover social media and the extremes of real life will be thrust at them in every appalling shape and form. To keep them cocooned you'd have to live on a desert island or in a mountain cave.
Parenting has never been such a complicated business.
I think of it more as a gradual immersion. You don't watch the evening news or talk about the latest murder with your 5 year old. By the time they are 12 though, most kids can handle those topics. They are going to learn about current events in school and on the internet, whether you talk to them about it or not.
ReplyDeleteI'm actually surprised you weren't aware of things like poverty, homelessness, drug addiction and working conditions. Didn't you take courses in high school and college that at least touched on those topics (such as Sociology or Civics/Local Govt.)? Those were required courses for us.
Bijoux: I guess gradual immersion is how most parents solve the problem.
ReplyDeleteI had an incredibly sheltered childhood. I went to one of those weird British public schools where you have virtually no contact with the outside world. There were no classes on "current affairs" and I don't remember anyone discussing politics.
I agree with Bijoux, that it's a gradual change. I do remember that they were watching the 9/11 coverage in my son's class when he was in first grade (6 years old) and I was livid- that was way to young to be exposed to that level of horror.
ReplyDeleteAgent: It was pretty hard not to see the 9/11 coverage. Even here in Britain it was non-stop news and the footage of the planes hitting the Twin Towers was run over and over again. But yes, that level of horror must have traumatised any small child who happened to see it.
ReplyDeleteAs usual it is partly a.matter of luck who your kids meet and what they see, once they are above infancy. You cannot possibly control it fully, they will have to face and deal with difficulties sooner or later. The best thing parents can do is not introduce them to anything bad and help them to behave in a grown up sensible way with bad stuff they do encounter.
ReplyDeleteJenny: That last sentence is about right, I think. The important thing is that they should be able to cope intelligently with the bad stuff and not be overwhelmed or discouraged by it.
ReplyDeleteJust keep them away from (the priests of) The One True Church :-(
ReplyDeleteOle Phat Stu: Children should be encouraged to explore all the different religions and decide if they have anything to offer them - or opt for atheism or agnosticism. Of course every religion insists that they are the one true church!
ReplyDeleteThe main thing is to be there for them when they discover something worrisome. Kaitlin was about four when she encountered a dead deer on a walk. I remember holding her and talking to her later when she wanted to talk about what would happen to her if something happened to Andy and me. The main thing is to notice when something is bothering them and help them articulate it, and if possible reassure them.
ReplyDeleteAnother time she was on a field trip to a fire station with her nursery school class and there was a fire with all the excitement and noise with the trucks taking off. It turned out later she was worried about whether little kids ever went to jail. I said no, she said, "Even if they set a fire in the middle of the night?" She was worried that she would do something wrong with serious consequences. I told her that's what parents were for, to make sure their children didn't do something like that. It seemed to help. I did tell her if she ever wanted to play with matches let me know and I would be there for her. The issue was deeper than that, of course, and fortunately she never did anything with serious consequences. I couldn't really guarantee it, but the odds were in my favor.
Jean: True, what kids need above all when they encounter something unsettling is a calm adult who can talk it through with them, put it into perspective and soothe their troubled mind and emotions.
ReplyDeleteFancy Kaitlin thinking she could go to jail for starting a fire! Kids get some very funny ideas.
I grew up wondering why we were at war with gorillas. A little explanation can be helpful.
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Ms Scarlet: I think I made the same mistake. I also remember hearing the phrase carpet bombing and wondering what was the point of bombing people with carpets.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the image of carpet bombing, Nick - I nearly choked on my sandwich!
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As a child I was terrified of:
ReplyDeleteThe Lady of Fatima's predictions (destruction of the world for us baddies)
and
Nuclear power because that was how she was going to do it. See what she did in Japan.
I lived in constant fear, knowing I would never get a driver's licence or have children as this would all happen in 1960.
I will never forgive the RC cult for implanting my brain with such appalling cruelty and horror.
XO
WWW
Ms Scarlet: My apologies for putting you in severe gastronomic peril.
ReplyDeletewww: Most religions implant the most unhealthy ideas and images in people's heads. Of course we were all terrified of an imminent nuclear armageddon in the 1960s. We'd be done for and whether we were goodies or baddies made no difference.
I exposed my kids to all sorts of things without giving it much thought and now I wonder if it was a mistake but they all seem to be happy and functional with a good level of maturity.
ReplyDeleteKeaghan had a huge interest in social justice even before I thought he had been exposed to much of the world and had a hatred of the banks when I barely even knew why people hate banks. As it turns out, this kind of attention to the world is common in gifted children and he still has a huge interest in human rights
Kylie: Interesting that they were introduced early to all sorts of "grown-up" stuff but took it in their stride. They must have shown an early mental maturity that enabled them to process such things without being too rattled.
ReplyDeleteI think they take their lead from us so if we are unrattled they have a good anchor. Obviously it doesn't work if kids have anxiety issues
ReplyDeleteKylie: I guess parents have to be outwardly calm and reassuring even if they're secretly just as rattled themselves!
ReplyDeleteIn India, it is a matter of what kind of schooling the children get. Increasingly however urban children from the middle classes grow up without a clue about the harsher realities of the growing up process of less fortunate children both urban and rural. Once they reach high school levels, they get some exposure due to social work expected as formal curricula. I personally grew up with exposure to all strata and was able to be very adept at getting along with all kinds. Similarly, my son too was exposed to such coss section of society due to my career and I am glad to see how well adjusted he is too instead of the snobs of around his age that I come across.
ReplyDeleteRamana: As you know, there are hundreds of private schools in the UK and I'm sure their privileged pupils often learn very little about what a different sort of life the less fortunate have to contend with. Disappointing that in India there's a similar sort of social division.
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