Emotional labour was originally defined in terms of the workplace - jobs where you have to be nicer or harsher or pushier than you would naturally be, at the cost of your psychological well-being. But of course it can equally apply to occasions like Christmas.
It's seen as the woman's job to smooth over ruffled feelings, manage children's expectations, deal with tactless relatives, bottle up family feuds, and generally keep people happy for the duration. The stress involved is colossal, but men are usually excused from such emotional labour on the grounds that they're "not very good with emotions", "haven't been socialised to do it" or "would make a mess of it". How very convenient for them.
Luckily for Jenny and I, we don't have big family Christmases anymore and are normally on our own. So the only emotions we have to manage are each other's. And the only quarrel will centre on how many points you get for axalotl in our Scrabble tournament. Or whether we should watch Some Like It Hot or Casablanca.
But emotional labour was very necessary when I was working. I had to be constantly nice to bookshop customers, councillors, charity supporters, social workers and whoever else my job required me to mingle with. Suppressing anger, abuse or antagonism, however justified, was the order of the day.
As a customer, I've had to be studiously polite to bank officials, civil servants, tradespeople and call centre staff to ensure they treat me properly and don't try any funny business. Telling them exactly what you think of them would be fatal.
But sometimes I forget myself. I once told Santa he was a drunken old fool who needed to lose some weight. I haven't had a present from him since.
I've never felt that I had to put forth any more emotional labor than my husband does at the holidays. Fortunately, we decided over 15 years ago to stop getting together with family members we don't like during holidays and year round. For me, the holidays mean physical labor: shopping, cooking, wrapping, etc.
ReplyDeleteJobs....jobs......one person generally will be the carer and supporter in a couple
ReplyDeleteI was .....
Jeesh I remember those days, making all the emotional decisions, choosing and buying all the gifts, keeping the kids sorted, doing all the invitations and biggest thing of all: never questioning the whole social and emotional and physical toll of it all.
ReplyDeleteNow it is wonderful, just the way our small family likes it. Solstice, one gift: hand-made or recycled, a celebration of the coming of the light and warm bonds.
XO
WWW
I was reduced to giving grandchildren money for birthdays and christmas. Eventually even that was not enough to acknowledge, so this year, first time, nothing. I wonder if I will hear about that.
ReplyDeleteOur Christmases were always low key -- we used to go up to the land and cut down a little tree in an area that needed thinning, but that tradition stopped when the fire converted all the trees to dead sticks. Now Andy puts his artificial tree and lights up on the roof of the house up there and we open a couple of presents on Christmas Day. I send Amazon cards for the few people we give gifts to. I love it!
ReplyDeleteBijoux: Indeed, in some cases there may be more physical than emotional labour. And again, some men will try to avoid all that as well.
ReplyDeleteJohn: And at Christmas it tends to be the woman, unless she has a very supportive and considerate man who does his fair share of everything.
www: You've done the sensible thing, trimmed Christmas down to the bare essentials so now you're enjoying it instead of it being a big burden.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: My mum and I agreed at some point not to exchange gifts. As all we usually did was exchange cheques, it was just a pointless exercise. Also she was getting a bit too frail to cope with all the business of Christmas cards, gifts, decorations etc.
Jean: We have a small artificial tree which we bought almost 30 years ago, and it's still going strong! It was a great shame about the fire. Unfortunately these wildfires are getting more and more common.
ReplyDeleteWhat is all this talk of Christmas.... surely it's still October?
ReplyDeleteAck, it'll all be over in 15 days time.... and forgotten in 20.
Sx
In the last 20+ years I have done a very great deal of emotional labour but like Bijoux, the strain I feel at Christmas is the physicality of it. Accordingly I have minimised Christmas in a major way and i don't think we are poorer for it (my little consumers may disagree!)
ReplyDeleteScarlet: There's no such thing as Christmas, it's fake news. The media take lots of phoney "Christmas shopping" photos, featuring out-of-work models, to convince us it's happening but it's all an elaborate hoax.
ReplyDeleteKylie: Ah, another person who's stripped it down to the bare essentials and is perfectly happy with what's left. Glad to hear it.
LOL!!!
ReplyDeleteespecially picturing you telling off Santa.
way to go! :D
Just the two of us and the animals for Christmas...sheer bliss!
ReplyDeleteApart from the dogs' preferences, no one's latest allergy to which to cater... no having to restrain oneself from boxing the ears of some saucy arrogant pre teen...
Tammy: Some people say Santa doesn't exist....
ReplyDeleteHelen: Just the two of you and the animals, that sounds good. It's alarming how many people nowadays have allergies. I can't remember anyone with an allergy when I was a kid.
I shall immediately send a ltter to Santa to fogive you your trespass and recommence sending you Christmas gifts.! Who knows, he may just listen to this old reprobate!
ReplyDeleteRamana: I assume you'll be sending him a glowing character reference, detailing all the charities I support, all the international awards I've collected, and my utter devotion to my blind, bed-ridden 91 year old neighbour.
ReplyDeleteI had a very difficult phone interview this morning with all kinds of technical issues and very poor line. After an hour I felt absolutely knackered! all I had done was sit in a chair talking !
ReplyDeleteJenny: That's a type of emotional labour I hadn't thought about - trying to stay calm in an interview as the technology fails or you're asked really stupid questions or one of the panel is looking daggers at you.
ReplyDeleteLuckily when Lynn was alive we shared the Christmas stress - I usually do enjoy the season but I do not seem to have any memories of those perfect Christmases in the past.I do like the cookies though - LOL.
ReplyDeleteChuck: It's encouraging that quite a few women say (a) that their men do as much of the work as they do and (b) that they enjoy making all those preparations and they don't see it as drudgery. No, I don't remember any perfect Christmases either. There's always a fly in the ointment!
ReplyDeleteFunny synchronicity - a patient and I were just discussing axolotls last week!
ReplyDeleteWe are each charged with dealing with our own families if there are ever any problems. I know that some families have an expectation that the wife will take on that role with the in-laws, but I'm not wiling. Not my place. As for holidays, we are just doing the traditions we really enjoy and letting the rest go.
Agent: Sticking to the traditions you really enjoy is the right approach. But I guess some women (and men) feel obliged to follow every Christmas ritual to the hilt or they're somehow "letting the side down".
ReplyDeleteA lot of emotional and physical energy expended with some lopsided sharing of the responsibility depending on a variety of circumstances. Now, especially if I stay at home I generally have none at all, or allowi the next generation to take on some of the “fun” those years when they’re present, or I visit them.
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