That surprises me because I don't often feel lonely. I may feel bored or out-of-place or weird, but not lonely. I don't feel separate from other people because I know I have lots in common with them, even if we're not actually face to face or talking to each other.
Even when I lived on my own, before I met Jenny, I didn't feel lonely because I got out and about and didn't feel a need for other people's company as I had plenty of company at work.
Not that having company is necessarily the answer to loneliness. I can be in a crowd of people and still feel lonely because I don't feel they understand me or that they're on my wavelength or they share my interests.
The feeling of loneliness has many causes, in particular not being happy with your own self and wanting other people's reassurance or support or appreciation. I suppose it also includes the feeling of missing out, that other people are having a better time than you are. I guess every lonely person has their own definition of loneliness and what it feels like.
It doesn't help that the prevailing view of human beings is that we're social creatures and need other people around us to feel good. That ain't necessarily so.
All the science points to the fact that we do, indeed, need social contact for mental wellness.
ReplyDeleteSometimes people self isolate due to various types of trauma but just because they can be functional doesn't mean they are healthy
Kylie: I think you've said in the past that loneliness is about not feeling a sense of belonging. Yes, that and many other things. I would say that a person can be mentally well even if they don't have a lot of social contact. And mentally unwell if they have a lot of it. Donald Trump, anyone?
DeleteI do think social contact is necessary, from birth to death. Isolation during Covid gave rise to a spectrum of mental illness, including dementia.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: I don't think lack of social contact was necessarily the culprit. Covid spread rapidly in group gatherings, among shop and hospitality staff, and among care home residents and staff, in which case social contact and isolation were equally culpable.
DeleteBijoux: I guess what I'm suggesting is that the mental problems people had after covid weren't due to isolation or lockdown but were a reaction to a totally abnormal situation that disrupted their lives and prevented normal behaviour.
DeleteI think I have more social contact than I think I do. I usually walk my dog with others - it's a really casual arrangement that suits me as I don't like being forced into social situations - the thing is, when I've seen people on my walk I am generally more sane for the rest of the day!
ReplyDeleteSx
Ms Scarlet: Walking your dog with others sounds like a modest bit of socialising that isn't too much to handle.
DeleteMy hermit tendencies have developed to the point where I now do all my socializing alone with my husband. He is enough for me. I do miss having occasional family gatherings but our daughter lives too far away and his sister's kids now have enough kids that she no longer feels a need to include us to make up the numbers she prefers.
ReplyDeleteLinda
Linda: I assume you're mentally just fine and that your semi-isolation hasn't unhinged you!
DeleteHi Nick
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of it has to do with social media and apps which are designed to suck and consume your focus and attention. Dating apps which make dating look and feel like some science experiment. Dating should be exciting ... instead, with tinder the only excitment is the swipping finger!
Social networks and social friends, and playing games online is no substitute to meaningful human connections and intimacy and friendships. People order food online now a lot more as opposed to going to have a bite with friends if you wanted to eat out.
I am lucky that I have a partner and both of us met in person and we don't have much social media at all.
Liam.
Liam: Yes, research keeps showing that over-use of social media can cause mental problems. And of course people were using social media a lot more during the lockdowns. I agree, online friends are fun but only a partial substitute for in-the-flesh friends.
DeleteI like a certain level of contact and am missing seeing friends as my husband needs constant attendance and is not happy with friends coming to see us as he finds it tiring. I can't see the situation changing wither, so it is telephone calls and e mails - and they are not enough!
ReplyDeleteFly: That must be very frustrating. A shame that he finds visits by friends too tiring.
DeleteI like being alone and having time to myself so I don't feel particularly lonely.
ReplyDeleteMary: Me too. I don't really understand loneliness.
DeleteAnother cause of increasing mental health problems must also be the huge rise in online trolling and stalking, which causes serious psychological disturbance in the victims.
ReplyDeleteThe harm from Covid will be felt for years to come in the generation of school age children. The loneliness in old age facilities was horrific, as isolation is so damaging to those without any kind of inner life skills. I know many who who literally dry up and die without the stimulation of others.
ReplyDeletei feel fortunate in that I am a gregarious loner. I do well socially but have to have a load of solitary time. I craved to be alone growing up, the house was bursting with the noise of 4 brothers.
XO
WWW
www: "Inner life skills" is an interesting concept. I guess I must have some, as I seldom feel lonely. Not surprising that early on you craved to be alone, with 4 brothers romping around.
DeleteThere is a difference between being alone and loneliness as you noted, Nick. I enjoy my own company and even though married, we know that each of us gets involved in our own world. That said, I have read about the current upswing in loneliness and the isolation the pandemic forced on everyone must have added to this increase.
ReplyDeleteBeatrice: When the lockdowns started, I'd been retired for two years so I was well used to being on my own and amusing myself.
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