I would say there's no obligation at all. You never asked to be part of that family in the first place, so you owe them nothing, except maybe appreciation for having brought you up well (if indeed they did).
You may get on famously with your family, so you're happy to support them in any way necessary. But if you don't get on with them, if there's constant tension and conflict and dislike, why should you feel obliged to do anything for them?
I didn't get on with my father, and I didn't get on that well with my mother. So I never felt obliged to them. I barely know my sister and brother in law as they're quite uncommunicative, so again I don't feel obliged to them. And why should they feel obliged to me?
There's still a general expectation that children will look after their elderly parents, but if you don't feel any bond with your parents, or they actively undermine you, why should they expect anything from you?
Those people who strongly dislike their parents but still feel they should support them and look after them are remarkable, but I could never have managed that.
I don't expect anyone to feel obliged to look after me in my dotage (except the NHS of course). If they feel the urge to do so, that's fine.
Did you read the article in The Guardian about people who don't have kids not having anyone to look after them when they get old? Not even the NHS.
ReplyDeleteSx
Ms Scarlet: Well, hopefully we childless individuals will have someone else to support us, like friends or partners. Or we drop dead before we need any help.
DeleteMy mother had a personality disorder. My childhood was fraught inside the house. Outside everything was perfect. My brother ditched the family 30 years ago. I felt the obligation to be there, but then I was the one who was groomed for that. She was abusive until the day she died. That was during Covid, so she did me one favor. I did not have to face the judgement of people by not having a funeral for her, we couldn't do it at that time. I was glad she was dead. So, obviously I agree with you. Societal rules push too many people into abusive family relationships. I do think that this is changing. That is a good thing.
ReplyDeleteSandra: Wow, sounds like you had a terrible time with your mother. Not surprising that you didn't have a funeral. I agree that society still often turns a blind eye to abusive family relationships. Of course outsiders may have no idea how damaging a relationship is until the truth somehow emerges.
DeleteNick, in the German Code Civil is written that children have the obligation to support financially and in social life their parents if necessary. .Saîd and I are doctors so helping is our natural acting in life .Of course you wrote älready that your parents were not those you would have liked to have. In a family we have to go along with different characters , emotions and wishes. All this is not easy ,but sometimes we should overcome problems (if not too important of course).I knew persons who after the death of their parents had deep regrets to never have spoken openly with them. I'm grateful to have grown up in a warm and caring family ,
ReplyDeleteHannah
Hannah: Great that you had a warm and caring family. I can't say that about my own family though. I tried to get on with my father but he refused to speak to me for 20 years. I've tried to get closer to my sister and brother in law but they keep their distance. Interesting what the German Civil Code says about children's obligations. There's nothing like that in the UK.
DeleteI understood that you tried to get in a good contact with your family and when it is impossible it's absolutely normal to take distance or cut completely.. Toxic families are the most destabilising for a child. How wonderful that you found your soul mate in Jenny and can be happy now.The German Code Civil has some good and some strange laws. There are children who sold their property to assist their parents .
DeleteHannah
Hannah: My blog friends don't want me to go on about my inadequate parents so I won't. All I can say is that they never understood that I was a very different person to them.
DeleteExcuse me Nick .
DeleteHannah
No worries, Hannah
DeleteI've cut several family members out of my life because they treated me so badly. I won't be involved in someone's life just because they're family if they treat me badly.
ReplyDeleteI felt very sad reading this Nick. Maybe it's because I am blessed in that us six siblings have worked through our crap because of Covid resulting in weekly zooms just with each other. I know it's exceptional, we all do, but I've never seen such love in my life as that which we surround our dear sick brother.
ReplyDeleteXO
WWW
www: Sounds like your weekly zooms with each other were very productive. I didn't know one of your brothers was sick, by the way.
DeleteI'm glad my brother was able to care for my mother since I couldn't do it. He tried to guilt me for that but it didn't really work. I was able to be here for Dave's parents when his sister needed help with them, though, since we didn't have that same history.
ReplyDeleteLinda
Linda: A negative history with a parent is hardly going to encourage you to give them support when they need it.
DeleteI think the only person who is able to put in the effort as a carer is someone with a very strong attachment, so therefore most likely it will be family.
ReplyDeleteAnd to have the kind of bond required for good care, the vulnerable person must have previously invested a vast amount into the relationship and into becoming a balanced person.
M<y mother has been good to me all my life but she is also deeply stubborn and sometimes manipulative and despite my wish to help my parents, she can put me into such a state of distress that I just can't be physically present.
Aging is complicated and lonely business and I hope I never have to rely on a government system to look after me
Kylie: I think you're right that only a balanced and strongly attached person will be a good carer. I'm sorry to hear that your mother can put you into such a distressing state. I also hope I won't have to rely on a government agency to look after me, given the possible impersonal and insensitive attitude I might encounter.
DeleteMother was not a sympathetic person during my childhood and our prejudices never did coincide. But on growing up I began to understand why she was so difficult and we managed a civilised relationship...on the whole.
ReplyDeleteMy husband can't stand his brother, sister and half brother...all through his life they have done their best to cheat him and do him down, so no contact is a relief.
Fly: How awful that his siblings and half brother have treated him so badly. Yes, having no contact must be quite liberating.
DeleteI did not have a contentious relationship with my parents, yet would not consider ours as close a family as some others. There was only my brother and myself, Our parents are now deceased and while we were not overly close, they did raise us the best they could and made sacrifices financially to ensure we had a good education, so I am thankful.
ReplyDeleteBeatrice: My father was very stretched financially when I went to (a private) boarding school. A shame that I got so little out of it because it just didn't suit my personality.
DeleteI can say I did not feel any obligation. I lucked out that neither parent needed help. Both died years ago. My father did call & asked us to visit as he knew he was dying but the disease had robbed him of any real ability to communicate. And when my mother was dying I would call but when asked if she wanted us to visit she asked why? I wasn't alone who had a wonderful family that was super supportive.
ReplyDeletePaula: As you say, you lucked out with neither parent needing help. I think that's what I would say if someone wanted to visit me on my death bed. Why?
DeleteI spent years attempting a relationship with both. But to be honest they truly disliked parenting. I understood they felt children were an inconvenience & burden not to mention costly.
ReplyDeletePaula: I suspect my parents also saw children as a nuisance and a burden. My father once referred to having children as "doing his duty".
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