Friday, 3 December 2010

Mind the biscuit

Can it really be true that 25 million Britons have been injured while eating biscuits? And that the worst offenders are those innocent-looking custard creams?

A new survey claims biscuits are pretty dangerous objects. You could be hit by flying fragments, scald yourself while dunking them, poke yourself in the eye, or fall off your chair getting them from a shelf.

Is this really credible? Have you personally ever been injured by a biscuit? Do you know anyone who has? Do you know anyone who's ever heard of anyone who has? Or is your life mysteriously free of biscuit-related catastrophes?

I suspect the whole unlikely scenario was invented by a bored teenager on work experience, munching a particularly unexciting and nondescript custard cream.

The research company however insists its results are absolutely genuine and painstakingly gathered. "We tested the physical properties of 15 popular types of biscuit, along with aspects of their consumption such as dunkability and crumb dispersal."

So there you have it. How thorough is that? So thorough that no doubt several researchers were themselves injured as they tested dunkability and fragmentation-potential. Some of them are probably still in intensive care right now, martyrs to exhaustive scientific inquiry.

Oh, and I haven't even listed all the possible dangers of biscuit-handling. You could also break a tooth or filling, be bitten by a pet competing for the biscuit, choke on the crumbs, or slip on a crushed digestive. Believe me, it's lethal out there.

Next up from this diligent research team: the mounting death toll from pot noodle. Hospitals overwhelmed as popular snack proves fatal. Could you be at risk?

21 comments:

Grannymar said...

Note to self: When Nick comes to visit... NO BISCUITS! ;)

e said...

Next, we could all be hit in the eye by flying crisps! (LOL!)

Wisewebwoman said...

In efforts to protect ourselves from all this Attack Food we should just stop eating.
That would show 'em.
XO
WWW

Nick said...

Grannymar - No no, I demand biscuits! I should point out that I've been on the Advanced Biscuit Handling course so I'm perfectly safe with any type of biscuit.

e - Flying crisps, my goodness, I never thought of that. Keep that crisp packet well away from me....

www - I don't think I could stop eating for very long, my food cravings are too strong. But any injury and I'll sue the pants off Peek Freans.

Roses said...

Can you ask H&S to chew the biscuit for me? I'd ask them myself but I'm so disempowered by these constant health warnings...I've ground to a complete halt.

Nick said...

Roses - I don't think chewing the biscuit is the problem, more the biscuit-eating environment. But as I've never been injured by a biscuit I shall continue to enjoy these crunchy confections with abandon.

Murr Brewster said...

I sense you are scoffing, but those digestives can have some sharp edges. Also, little embedded razor blades. You can't know until you've tried them all.

Nick said...

Murr - My God, razor blades, I had no idea. As from now I shall try out all my biscuits on the neighbours before I risk a mouthful.

nursemyra said...

I could definitely cause an injury to anyone attempting to take away my Tim Tams. You can keep your custard creams though

Nick said...

Myra - Ah, injuries inflicted by other biscuit-buffs, that's a serious hazard. Best to keep your Tim Tams in a locked combination safe out of reach of sneak thieves.

kylie said...

tim tams are over rated. melting moments are the way to go

Nick said...

Kylie - But Melting Moments don't have chocolate in them. What kind of biscuit is that?

Val said...

My dentist (any of them I've been to over the years, which is a lot) will tell you that I've broken teeth on ginger biscuits and very nice, very yummy biccies that have hard bits of toffee in them.

I nearly choked on a boiled sweet on a beach in Holland once. Does that count?

Terra Shield said...

I've errr... chocked on biscuits because someone cracked a joke during tea - till I was all teary. No permanent harm, though

Nick said...

Val - You must be unlucky enough to have not very strong teeth. I've never broken a tooth though six were removed because of my small jaws.

Terra - The government has advised biscuit-lovers never to crack jokes while eating a biscuit. It could be the last biscuit you ever eat....

heartinsanfrancisco said...

This is perfectly dreadful, and further proof that the (fill in the blanks) Conspiracy is out to get us. I can honestly say that I have never been harmed by a biscuit, even a Milk Bone Dog Biscuit, but that probably just means that the law of averages is against me. The dangers of pot noodles are not even to be contemplated.

Nick said...

Heart - Well, there you are, you also have never been harmed by a biscuit. So where are all these millions of biscuit-victims (apart from Val and Terra, that is)?

Liz said...

Poke yourself in the eye? What by looking away just as you're about to put it in your mouth? Yes, I could imagine that one.

Nick said...

Liz - The trouble is, people assume biscuits are harmless and eat them without the necessary care and attention. We have to treat them as unexploded bombs....

Sandra said...

Hysterical!...the only problem now though is that I'm craving biscuits...

Nick said...

Sandra - Well, you can't have any, they're VERY VERY dangerous. You'll have to make do with a dry crust or two.