Thursday, 16 December 2010

Santa's troubles

Santa's trying to keep it quiet, but there's growing unrest in the Grotto. The elves are demanding a pay rise and better working conditions.

They say the toy-production targets are impossible to keep up with, and dangerous machinery is causing serious injuries. They also want a few female toymakers to increase job satisfaction.

Not only that but the reindeer are demanding strict mileage limits on the distribution run, after several reindeer died from exhaustion during last year's deliveries. And they want in-flight entertainment instead of having to stare into space all night. "It's so fucking boring" said one disgruntled reindeer, who didn't want to be named.

An angry Santa has hit back at the rebels, threatening mass sackings and blaming outside troublemakers working for rival toymakers Here Comes Santa. Inside sources say the stressed-out super-hero is drinking heavily, chain-smoking and running up massive gambling debts.

Santa is already under pressure from consumers complaining of the declining quality of his festive gifts. Said Jason, 10, of Croydon, "It was a load of rubbish last year. Everything fell to bits or wouldn't work. The clothes were embarrassing, I couldn't possibly wear them. The senile old git should have been pensioned off years ago."

On top of all that, Santa's wife of 19 years, the astonishing Pixie Ambrosia Angeldust, is seeking a divorce on the grounds of incompatibility. "I mean nothing to him. All he cares about is his bloody workshop. It's toys, toys, toys, morning noon and night. I might as well not exist. I'm not hanging around like a spare bogroll any longer."

Santa was not available for comment.

Pic: Santa and Pixie

17 comments:

Wisewebwoman said...

We need a woman in this job. I'm all for Pixie taking over, the old git is beyond it.
XO
WWW

Nick said...

www - Good idea. I'm sure Pixie would do a much better job. She's got all the social skills Santa's lacking in, plus the thoroughness to ensure high toy-quality is maintained. On yer bike, Santa!

Grannymar said...

I will apply for the job if the elves are all toyboys!

Nick said...

Grannymar - I've heard some of them are pretty frisky, so you would be in with a chance.

secret agent woman said...

I saw a funny skit once about Santa's sweatshop. I always wondered why elves were willing to work so hard.

Macy said...

As a monopoly I'm sure Santa doesn't have to take too much notice of the elves anyway!
And is it politically corret to ask for female labour to "increase job satisfaction??
Frankly the elves are going to get no support ofr this action amongst the European TU movement!

Nick said...

Secret Agent - I think they've finally realised they're being ruthlessly exploited. Santa will have to clean up his act.

Macy - You're right, the elves are shamefully sexist in their demands. Their trade union rep needs to bring them up to speed on some feminist basics.

Megan said...

I giggled my ass off all the way through reading this post. :)

Nick said...

Megan - Then you'd better stitch it back on, you might be needing it. Or you could ask Santa for a nice pert new bum....

Leah said...

I've always wondered about that Santa fellow...

Nick said...

Leah - Jolly, benevolent Santa indeed. Now we know what he's really like once the mask comes off....

Roses said...

Capitalist, exploitative bastard.

We should call for a public enquiry post haste.

Nick said...

Roses - Yeah, he's just a fat-cat gobshite scumbag. A public enquiry is long overdue, he's got away with his barbaric regime for too long.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Worst of all is having to squeeze down all those gritty chimneys. I'm just surprised the old boy has hung on for as long as he has.

Nick said...

Heart - According to my sources, it's not actually Santa who goes down the chimneys, it's the elves. But the myth is good for business so he keeps it going.

nursemyra said...

Pixie Ambrosia Angeldust sounds like she might be trouble

Nick said...

Myra - Oh, I think she's had the patience of a saint putting up with the old despot for so long. Anyone else wouldn't have stood him for six months.