Playful fun

Since when did poking fun at someone, teasing them, become normal? The person being teased is expected to laugh along with the teasing, even if they find it upsetting or offensive.

If they object to being teased, they may be seen as a wet blanket, a party pooper, a tight-laced individual who doesn't want to have a bit of fun.

If you know the person who's doing the teasing, you might assume they're just being friendly and don't mean any harm, but if it's a stranger you might think they're having a dig at you out of malice.

Jenny teases me from time to time, and obviously I'm not offended because I know she's not being malicious. Usually she teases me about my odd quirks and habits, like getting the last tiny scrapings of peanut butter out of the jar.

Misogynists are especially prone to teasing, or rather pretending they're teasing, They'll make some unwanted remark about a woman's appearance or behaviour and claim it was just teasing, just banter. "Don't take everything so seriously, love".

But it can undermine a person's confidence if they're teased a lot, and however well-meant it inevitably seems like a judgment on their character.

Teasing isn't always the playful fun it seems to be.

Only teasing

When does teasing become bullying? And are some people more upset by it than others?

I haven't been teased much in my life, and when I have it's been more affectionate than malicious. At school I was called "beanpole" because I was so thin, but I just found it amusing. My granny used to call me "Little Knickers" but that was simply playful as well.

One workmate used to tease me about the number of bananas I ate (actually a grand total of two a day), but then he used to tease everyone mercilessly so I never took it personally, except to get very irritated by the repetitiveness.

One boss I had used to refer to every male employee as "Fred", regardless of their real name. That was definitely insulting, as he knew very well, but he wouldn't stop doing it.

If teasing is based on affection, that's fine, it doesn't bother me. But if it's based on ill-will and the wish to provoke and undermine, then it becomes something nasty that needs to be stopped before a person's self-confidence crumbles.

And it's true that some people are more sensitive to teasing than others. Someone with a thick skin and an enormous ego hardly notices they're being teased, it's simply water off a duck's back. They may even welcome it as a way of getting attention.

But someone who already has low self-esteem can quickly be unnerved by persistent teasing that only adds to the negative self-image they're carrying around.

Men still think it's fine to tease women about their figures, or their sexiness, or their clothes (and most women are insecure about all three), but complaints by women generally fall on deaf ears. If women teased men in the same relentless fashion, they would get it in the neck.

Teasing as a sign of fondness is harmless fun. Teasing as a sign of malice can quickly turn into emotional torture.

Pic: Rean Carter of Sunderland, who was being teased at school for his "girlie" hair. He has now had it cut short.