In the buff

I wonder what's so attractive about nudism. Why this desire to wander around in the buff and show off everything you've got? I've never had the urge so it's a total mystery to me.

I ask this question after reading that Richard Collins was accused of indecent exposure by an off-duty police officer while seated nude on a bench in Hastings, Sussex. He didn't see the problem. "I've been naked in pubs and pub gardens without any problem. There's nearly always a positive reaction from the public" he says.

But why the craving to be naked? What does he get out of it, apart from a lot of attention from other people? Maybe that's part of the attraction. Personally I try to avoid attention, I like to be as anonymous as possible.

If people don't want to see my naked body, I'm quite happy to keep it covered up. I don't feel hard-done-by if I've got clothes on. I don't feel I'm hiding my real self or being deprived in some way.

Fair enough if you want to be naked on an established nude beach, where the only people around are other nudists. That's not going to bother anyone. Jenny and I once stumbled on a male gay nude beach on our travels. It was just amusing to see all these blokes disporting themselves, hoping to be admired and seduced.

I'm certainly not shocked by nudity. I saw plenty of naked boys at boarding school. And of course I've seen a few naked women. What's to be shocked by? I could think of many things that are genuinely shocking. Like widespread poverty in a very wealthy country.

Beyond my ken

There are many things people do that leave me scratching my head in bewilderment. Why do people do these things? What's the great attraction? Oh well, different strokes for different folks, as they say.

And what are all the things that puzzle me? I listed some of them a few years back. Mostly they still apply.

• The obsession with celebrities
• Tattoos
• Tongue-piercing
• Stag and hen weekends
• The prejudice against public services
• Posting naked selfies on Facebook
• Wearing a face veil
• Having private quarrels in public
• Personalised number plates
• Going mental on a plane
• Nouvelle cuisine
• Barbecues
• Thongs*
• Cosmetic surgery
• Weddings on the other side of the world
• Gangnam
• Letting kids run wild
• Teeth whitening
• Designer labels
• Lads' mags

The gangnam fashion didn't last very long, so I think I'll substitute bottled water. Why pay through the nose for something that's no better than tap water - and may actually be tap water?**

Luckily I've never been on a stag weekend (and never been invited to one). It's hard to imagine anything I'd enjoy less. And thankfully I grew up at a time when naked selfies were unheard of. When nakedness in general was something to be studiously avoided. I also grew up at a time when barbecues were a quaint custom in far-flung countries like Australia, where rain was virtually unheard-of. Somehow they caught on in the wet and gloomy UK.

*that's the underwear and not the Aussie footwear

**an estimated 25 per cent or more of bottled water is just tap water

In your dreams

Dreams are very mysterious. In general they have no obvious meaning or advice for us, yet we get dozens of them every night. What for? Why don't we just sleep soundly with no dreams whatever?

My dreams are mostly anxiety dreams. I'm lost somewhere and trying to find my way home. Or someone sinister is chasing me through an empty building. Or I'm at a dinner party and have no idea who the other people are or what to say to them.

All my dreams tell me is that I'm an anxious person, which I know only too well. Why remind me of the self-evident? Why don't I have dreams telling me how to banish anxiety? Or even dreams that say my brain is right now deleting all my anxieties?

Psychologists have puzzled over the meaning of dreams for centuries and no doubt will keep doing so, and will keep drawing a blank. Many therapists are convinced dreams have plenty of meaning if you just interpret them in the right way, but I haven't found that myself. However I interpret my dreams, whatever I imagine they're telling me in some coded form, I usually end up none the wiser.

I hardly ever dream of people I know. If I did they might suggest something interesting about that person - that they're creepy or crazy or cranky. Even people I worked with for many years, even family members, even famous public figures, never appear. One supposedly common dream is to be meeting the Queen, but I must disappoint Her Majesty on that score.

Another apparently common dream is to find yourself naked in a public place, but I have to say that wherever I happen to be, I'm always fully clothed. Clearly whatever mechanism controls my dreams, it believes in public decency.

But I'm still waiting for a dream where I'm bursting with self-confidence and optimism, and anxiety is a thing of the past.