Beyond my ken

There are many things people do that leave me scratching my head in bewilderment. Why do people do these things? What's the great attraction? Oh well, different strokes for different folks, as they say.

And what are all the things that puzzle me? I listed some of them a few years back. Mostly they still apply.

• The obsession with celebrities
• Tattoos
• Tongue-piercing
• Stag and hen weekends
• The prejudice against public services
• Posting naked selfies on Facebook
• Wearing a face veil
• Having private quarrels in public
• Personalised number plates
• Going mental on a plane
• Nouvelle cuisine
• Barbecues
• Thongs*
• Cosmetic surgery
• Weddings on the other side of the world
• Gangnam
• Letting kids run wild
• Teeth whitening
• Designer labels
• Lads' mags

The gangnam fashion didn't last very long, so I think I'll substitute bottled water. Why pay through the nose for something that's no better than tap water - and may actually be tap water?**

Luckily I've never been on a stag weekend (and never been invited to one). It's hard to imagine anything I'd enjoy less. And thankfully I grew up at a time when naked selfies were unheard of. When nakedness in general was something to be studiously avoided. I also grew up at a time when barbecues were a quaint custom in far-flung countries like Australia, where rain was virtually unheard-of. Somehow they caught on in the wet and gloomy UK.

*that's the underwear and not the Aussie footwear

**an estimated 25 per cent or more of bottled water is just tap water

More undesirables

I once listed ten things that seemed totally pointless, things that should never have existed and did little or nothing for anyone's quality of life. I thought I would add another ten items to the list:

1) Group photos. Of politicians, school pupils, employees etc. Either grinning inanely or looking sullen and awkward. Who needs them?
2) Posed selfies. Taken after an hour of primping and preening to achieve a phoney visual perfection that fools nobody.
3) Vegan cheese. Which despite the hype are nothing like traditional cheese. Peculiar flavours that are virtually inedible.
4) Crisps. A nice taste and a satisfying crunchy noise, but that's it. Thin slivers of a single large potato with zero nutritional value.
5) High heels. Serve no purpose except to pander to male fetishism. If they make you look "professional", why aren't men wearing them?
6) Push-up bras. More male fetishism. Even more uncomfortable and annoying than the regular ones.
7) Trigger warnings. Trying to anticipate every possible upsetting trigger in the universe is absurd. Why not just deal with what's upsetting you?
8) Bottled water. No better than tap water, and only adds to the mountain of plastic waste that's polluting the planet.
9) National anthems. Inane ditties that only encourage jingoism and nationalism. "God save the Queen" indeed.
10) Stretch limos. A bogus air of luxury travel for your special occasion, blocking the traffic wherever they go.

So now you're sure to tell me you love nothing better than prancing around in high heels and a push-up bra, scoffing vegan cheese and Pringles, while posing for a selfie and singing the national anthem. How very perverse of you.

If you're interested, the original list can be read here.

Hitting the bottle

I have to laugh when people stagger out of supermarkets with vast quantities of bottled water, convinced it's much healthier than dodgy old tap water.

Then comes a puzzled frown as I wonder why they need to drink water at all, when food contains enough liquid to keep us all well hydrated.

People still insist there'll be all sorts of dire consequences if we don't consume huge amounts of water every day. But even if you're running a marathon or weight-lifting, you don't actually lose much liquid.

In fact it's drinking too much water that can be dangerous. The excess water can expand your brain cells, which can lead to coma or even death (I kid you not).

So people are not only forking out ridiculous sums for bottled water when tap water has been shown time after time to be perfectly healthy and drinkable, they don't need the stuff in the first place.

As for the environmental idiocy of shipping water across the world in plastic containers, how anyone can justify that is beyond me.

I've only drunk bottled water about twice, and my health hasn't suffered for it. I sometimes go half a day without drinking anything, without any ill-effects.

Of course drinking is partly habit, as we veteran tea and coffee drinkers know well. When I'm deprived of my regular fix for a while, I don't miss it.

Oh, and one final question: why do people insist on drinking bottled water but they don't mind tap water in their cappuccino or risotto? Some mistake surely?

My thanks to Dominic Lawson in the London Independent - great minds think alike!