You can trace them back to childhood and blame parental failings.
You can say that blaming your parents is a cop-out and you should just work through your hang-ups.
Or you can say that your parents did their best by the standards of the times and so you shouldn't blame them for their failings.
Personally I take the first approach. It's clear to me that my parents sent me to an entirely unsuitable boarding school that didn't equip me properly for adult life and left me emotionally and intellectually under-developed.
I don't think it's a cop-out to blame my parents if it's quite obvious they made a major error of judgment and there's no way they could pin it on anything else. That error is a reality and should be acknowledged.
I also think referring to the standards of the times doesn't absolve my parents. Whatever the standards of the times, they picked an unsuitable school and they should have noticed I wasn't happy, I wasn't thriving, and the quality of teaching wasn't good enough.
Of course if your parents are still alive, you don't want to upset them by telling them they were deficient parents. So you're likely to hide your criticism and pretend they did a great job. Which simply sweeps everything under the carpet.
Falling back on "the standards of the times" is dangerous, as it can excuse all sorts of negative behaviour - like domestic violence, homophobia and sacking pregnant women. Behaviour should be judged by today's standards and not the standards of 50 years ago, as if the following decades of cultural changes never happened.
Nick, to overcome parental failings is to be resiliant. I think most parents try to do their best and were often supported by society standards Children had no right to express their opinions and feelings. I had a school mate who had no right to sit down when eating and she was surprised when invited to my home that we all sat around a table , eating and discussing. The standards of the times exist still today, domestic violence is a current event. May be we discuss more openly about all this, but in my eyes things haven't changed so much. May be it's not about forgiving parental failings , but just strenghten your self estime and discover who you really are..Childhood is a quite short period and the adult life so much longer .So hope is allowed.
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PS ; I am aware that I had a wonderful childhood, my parents having be able to overcome so many disasters, teached me that the most important is to live.
Hannah: But if you're saying we shouldn't refer to the standards of the times, then you'd be excusing domestic violence, homophobia etc. And criticising parental failings doesn't stop you strengthening your self-esteem or making the most of your adult life. It seems to me it's just being honest about your childhood and what went wrong (or of course what went right). I'm really glad you had a wonderful childhood, but the reality is that a lot of children have had a difficult or even disastrous upbringing.
DeleteI disagree that behavior should be judged by today’s standards. Being a parent is a very difficult job and you do rely on professional advice that can sometimes turn out to be wrong.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: Sure, parenting is a tough job and parents can make big mistakes. I'm just saying that we should be able to criticise our parents for those mistakes, just as we might criticise teachers or doctors or anyone else who comes in contact with our children.
DeleteMy comment vanished?
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www: Comments often appear in my email but not on the blog post. I've no idea why this happens. Here is what you said: "I honestly believe parents are the products of their own childhood and try to improve the lives of their own children however mistaken their methodologies are. I positively know my own parents were absolutely traumatized in their own childhoods and did their absolute best to improve the lots of their own 6 children in staggering ways. Often failing. Often, in my father's case, terrorizing us.
DeleteI understand them completely now after many, many years of therapy. And digging deeper into family history.
And as a parent, I did my best not to repeat their mistakes but my children could probably yank out a big Fail List as long as my arm.
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www: I should probably have spent some time with a therapist, but money was tight for many years and therapy didn't seem like a priority. I think my father had a troubled childhood as his father was quite a stern authoritarian. My mother's father was more easy-going but a bit buttoned-up. But I'm sure if I had been a parent I would also have made plenty of mistakes.
DeleteMy parent's efforts were inadequate. But, they did what they were taught so I guess I need to blame my grandparents. Or their parents?
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Linda: I doubt they did entirely what they were taught, they must have improvised a bit. Which is where the mistakes get made, I guess.
Deleteanonymous Fly. My mother made childhood a misery with her constant denigration...I spent as much time as possible out with friends or down at the public library and learned not to show that I was upset. As I grew up I began to understand her attitude, borne of frustration with the 1950s attitude to married women, and we got along, though to the end of her life we were never friends. The effect on me...not to show emotion.
ReplyDeleteFly: So you had some good insights into why she behaved the way she did. So many married woman must have chafed at the restrictions of the 1950s. A shame the legacy of her denigration was learning to hide your emotions.
DeleteI appear to be the odd one out here. The general opinion seems that I'm being rather harsh on my parents and I should cut them some slack. But maybe I'll mellow before my time is up!
ReplyDeleteNick, you know I must have been reading your blog for 15 years and I'm well aware of your disappointment with your parents.
ReplyDeleteIt boggles my mind that at your age, you haven't made some kind of peace with it all.
With www, I believe parents mostly do their best with the understanding they have.
They say the work of adulthood is to forgive your parents.
Maybe your need is to be heard and validated. Your parents clearly made a mistake with your schooling and you were miserable and it's had a lasting impact but I think we all have the ability to write our future
Kylie: Oh, I've made peace with it all a long time ago. I'm not at all bitter or angry, I regarded my childhood shortcomings as water under the bridge a long ago. I'm just being honest about my parents' failings. They may have done their best, but their best wasn't enough, just as my own best isn't always enough. I don't forgive and forget but I do put it all behind me and get on with the rest of life.
DeleteKylie: My father refused to speak to me for 20 years. I wouldn't call that "doing his best". But as I say, it's all water under the bridge now.
DeleteNick , do you know at least why he refused to speak to you ? And why your schooling problems where so important and did they last your whole schooling period ?
DeleteHannah
Hannah: Not really. He just seemed to have some grudge against me which he never explained. My schooling problems were important because I was at boarding school for five years at a time when my personality was still developing. I was bullied for four years but the final year was okay because there were no longer any more senior pupils to bully me, they had all left.
DeleteOh really sorry , to be bullied must be terrible and I suppose teachers were not concerned to help . I never understood why some girls or boys start to bully others. Probably parents did nothing too. Something that has not disappeared today and takes now place mostly on instagram and via internet. Result a high number of suicides and problems. Awful.
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Hannah: No, the teachers pretended not to notice the bullying. Bullying seems to be the norm in so many organisations nowadays. It's usually counter-productive, so why it continues on such a scale mystifies me.
DeleteParents are always first to take credit for their children's success but never take responsibility for their hand in their problems. It isn't easy to look at your handy work. You do not get over a bad childhood.
ReplyDeletePaula: Very true about parents taking the credit but not the debit. They don't want to admit that they have some responsibility for an adult who finds life difficult and perplexing.
DeleteMary says "I agree, parents are to blame for a lot of that."
ReplyDeleteMary: It's just too easy to excuse your parents' behaviour as being "the standards of the times".
DeleteAn interesting topic, Nick, and one which i thought about reading it and the comments of others. While my parents and I did not always get along. Their choice of high school (an older one vs. a newer, closer one) did not leave me happy as I knew in later years. That said, I know they were doing what they felt was in my best interests as the selected school was even more costly. They grew up in the US depression-era and now I realize that they taught me a lot more than I realize about saving and not overspending. They are both deceased, but I owe than a belated thanks.
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