Heather Havrilesky says that "after 15 years of marriage, you start to see your mate clearly, free of your own projections and misperceptions." Her husband Bill "is exactly the same as a heap of laundry: smelly, inert, almost sentient but not quite" until he has had his coffee each morning.
If Jenny was that frank about my shortcomings, I'd die of embarrassment. And I wouldn't dream of broadcasting all her shortcomings. But she claims Bill has read her book three times, and loves it. He approves of her brutal honesty, has a great sense of humour about himself, and "doesn't lose sleep over what other people think". I must say I find it hard to believe he can be that un-bothered.
Not many people would be that candid publicly about their spouse's failings. There's a sort of unwritten rule that you stress all the benefits of your marriage while skipping over the less desirable aspects. Moaning about your spouse is reserved strictly for the ears of close friends only.
Is that good or bad? If everyone hides the downside of their marriage, these must be a lot of people hearing all these glossy accounts and thinking their own marriage must be a dismal failure. Wouldn't it be better if we were all more honest and admitted that marriage isn't necessarily the joyous idyll we imagined on our wedding day? That making a marriage last over the long term is hard work?
Anyway, I won't be putting pen to paper any time soon. My marital secrets will stay exactly that - secret.
Pic: Heather Havrilesky
I bet that it was a cooperative venture to start with! The two of them together must have decided to produce this masterpiece to emulate PGW!
ReplyDeleteNick, this is the age of letting it all hang out. Sod the consequences. Think Instagram. You can't so much as look, admiringly, at your own navel without feeling compelled to documenting it to the world.
DeleteI agree with Ramana. Unless you are after a serious marital fallout, indeed divorce, you wouldn't tell the unvarnished "truth" publicly without your spouse's consent prior to publication.
Anyway, what always appears to be forgotten, tables can be turned. That'll be the sequel when he "tells" on her. Both of them holding hands whilst skipping and laughing their way to their (separate?) bank accounts. As long as readers recognize themselves in the author(s)' trials and tribulations of marriage sales will be guaranteed. As an aside, marriage is a LEGAL contract not a bed of soft petal roses without thorns. Remember that, anyone who is tempted to sign on the dotted line.
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Ramana: PGW? PG Wodehouse? It certainly looks like a cooperative venture, but if so she's not letting on.
DeleteThey must have a different sort of relationship, one filled with teasing. Or else that husband has an extraordinary sense of humor.
ReplyDeleteColette: A lot of people commenting on the book have suggested that it's pretty offensive to her husband, and a divorce must surely be in the offing.
DeleteI hadn't heard of this book before, but it sounds awful. I think there needs to be some kind of balance between presenting marriage as some kind of fairytale happily ever after and airing every single grievance.
ReplyDeleteDanielle: Airing every single grievance just looks like self-pity, narcissism, cruelty - or a good career move.
DeleteGood for them. Those happy lives depicted on Insta and FB leads to a megaload of depression and completely out of touch with reality. Marriage is a very messy businss and a sense of humour is vital.
ReplyDeleteI am sure he is planning his own book and long may their fortunes be made. Brilliant.
XO
WWW
www: I guess there's a difference between (a) saying marriage can be difficult and your spouse has annoying habits, and (b) tearing your spouse to bits and making them out to be a knuckle-dragging slob.
DeleteHe might very well be planning his own book, tearing her to pieces. Which might have been their plan all along.
One of the authors I enjoy reading refers to her husband as a cave dweller but she does it in a way that sounds loving. My aunt and uncle were very good at teasing each other; some of the things they said would sound very bad taken out of context. It sounds to me like both members of your couple are satisfied with the publication so who are we to say otherwise?
ReplyDeleteLinda: We only have her word for it that her husband is quite happy with the book. For all we know, he may be writing an angry dismissal of all her accusations.
DeleteI am not going to read the book, there is too much trashy stuff being shared, and so many good books to read. I choose the good. Also, we vote with our wallets, we reward and encourage her when we buy her book.
ReplyDeleteTerra: It's available in the UK but I shan't be buying it. Apart from anything else, it's probably full of exaggerations and inventions and somewhat removed from reality.
DeleteI'm with Terra, not the sort of details I'm interested in.
ReplyDeleteJean: If it had something helpful to say about marriage, I might be interested. But it looks like it's basically just a hatchet job.
Deleteditto Nick and Terra and Monk! life's too short to be interested in other people's trash talk. but it's a new world and that's what's 'Cool' apparently these days.
ReplyDeletea pity. has the whole world gone back to middle school?
Tammy: I like the phrase "trash talk". Indeed, blurting out absolutely everything, no matter how unsavoury, seems to be the fashion these days.
DeleteNope. Lips are sealed!
ReplyDeleteSx
Ms Scarlet: But I was looking forward to your 600-page "kiss and tell" shocker. Don't tell me you've abandoned it.
DeleteI don't think that's something I would be broadcasting. I'm sure she's not perfect either.
ReplyDeleteMary: I'm sure her husband could find as many faults in her as she finds in him. Seek and ye will find!
DeleteI agree with Wisewebwoman. I don't think that quote was meant to be malevolent, some people can be unpleasant when they're hungry/thirsty, and I think it's the kind of rude humour that's ok when aimed at a loved one.
ReplyDeletePolly: I agree. Jenny can be a bit sharp sometimes (and vice versa) but in the context of a loving relationship it's pretty trivial.
DeleteAs others have commented, Nick, books of this sort are never on my "to read" list and I admit to not being the least bit curious about what this woman has to say about her mate or her marriage. If she's unhappy, then leave, but I think she would much rather have made this a for-profit writing venture.
ReplyDeleteBeatrice: I'll bet her book is making plenty of money, given her no-holds-barred criticisms of her husband, and all the media publicity the book has had. She's a professional writer and journalist so she's doing whatever it takes to further her career.
DeleteI admire that guy who "doesn't lose sleep over what other people think".
ReplyDeleteHaddock: Me too. Well, I don't actually lose sleep but I do wonder how other people see me.
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