What got me wondering was reading Carol Shields' book Unless, in which a young woman suddenly abandons university to live on the street with a sign saying "Goodness". Her parents are baffled as to why she's taken this path, and her mother in particular wonders whether something in her upbringing has caused it.
Of course the daughter's strange behaviour could be caused by any number of things other than her upbringing, but naturally her parents start pondering their own possible influence in what's happening.
I also wonder if women in general are more likely than men to assume a personal blunder when a child goes off the rails (or just does something disappointing).
I get the impression (nothing was ever made explicit) that my parents were disappointed by my choices in life and felt I could have "made more" of myself. They maybe expected me to be a high-flying journalist or a best-selling novelist. In which case, did they blame themselves for not making me ambitious enough? Who knows?
It must be tempting for parents to criticise themselves for all sorts of perceived failings in their child, even if there's no obvious cause, and even if the supposed failing is not seen as such by anyone else.
It must also be tempting to have grand ambitions for your child that are simply unrealistic, and will inevitably lead to parental disappointment. Let's face it, you're more likely to be raising a tone-deaf karaoke fan than a budding Beethoven.
I have held myself responsible for my son not having taken to Tennis as seriously as he should have. His coach was determined to make him play at national levels if only he would practice and be disciplined. My son on the other hand wanted to enjoy playing the game and not be competitive. I yielded and seeing where tennis players now reach, I wonder if I did the right thing by yielding to my son's view.
ReplyDeleteRamana: I'm sure you did the right thing by not pushing him, because if you had done, he might have resented being pushed and even if he rose to dizzy heights he wouldn't have been happy.
DeleteYes, as a mother I do wonder about the choices we made in parenting. My husband and I had very differing Ideas on the subject, which led to a lot of conflict in our marriage at the time. Interesting reading Ramana’s comment, as my husband also wanted to push our son to play more competitively in tennis and I feel as though it backfired and relates to the way my son turned out. He’s a wonderful person, but has zero drive when it comes to a career.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: See my reply to Ramana. Zero drive for a career is fine as long as he still has an enjoyable job and a good life. I also had zero drive workwise but my life has turned out just fine.
DeleteParents very often wish to realise their own dreams through their children and ignore that a child is an independant being. Children emotions can be easily destroyed when they do not realise their parents wishes or hope. Not good at all. A child should be cherished and supported even if something difficult or dramatic happens.
ReplyDeleteHannah
Hannah: Parents can be remarkably unable to see their child as an independent being. I'm sure my own father always wanted me to be a clone of himself, and he couldn't accept that I had my own opinions and ideas.
DeleteNature and nurture are equal I think. Parents have something to do with how their children turn out but nothing can change a child's inner nature. The child's nature may include a tendency to blame other people, after all, and that includes anything they didn't achieve and think they should have done. Or, indeed, vice versa. I know someone whose mum was desperate for her to be a world class swimmer and pushed her - my friend did what was expected and even got to the Olympic trials, because she was really good - but she always yearned for a social life. Thank goodness her mum finally realised that she was chasing her own dream and stood back. My friend stopped swimming immediately, began to do very social things (which suited her) and was far closer with her mother. And being a good natured person, she did not blame her mother for all the years of her youth that she had been made to sacrifice for an activity she could take or leave
ReplyDeleteJenny: I'm glad her mother finally realised her mistake and let her daughter develop the social life she had always craved. Obviously her swimming achievements were very much born out of a desire to please her mum.
DeleteEven as a baby I figured Kaitlin was an independent being ...I was curious to see what she would be like. Andy's view was kids grow up in spite of their parents. We did work on a lot of projects together up on the land so she had a good practical education as well as going to very good schools down here. She turned out to be an impressive lady.
ReplyDeleteJean: I think Andy's right, kids grow up in spite of their parents. Certainly true in my case, I'm unlike my father in so many ways.
DeleteWe put their feet on a path; the rest is up to the child.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: A very good way of looking at it. Of course the child might fancy a different path altogether!
DeleteGoodness, I would hazard a mental health guess which is like having diabetes for the young lady with a sign.
ReplyDeleteFree will is a powerful thing. Parents should feel a bit of pride they instilled an independent mindset. Think of all the trust fund babies who never really amount to anything.
Ann: The novel never properly explains why the young woman took to the streets, or what the sign means. She does eventually return home and resume an ordinary life. Indeed, parents should be proud of a free-thinking, questioning child.
ReplyDeleteAn interesting idea in the novel. Too bad there was never an explanation for why she did what she did. Living on the street seems rather extreme. No doubt parents would worry about that child's welfare and safety, would seek an answer. Probably they would question whether their parenting can gone awry but might not necessarily blame themselves. I suppose some parents may blame themselves but it's not a simple matter and has many variables. By and large I think we parents raise our children to be independent, make their choices and we accept the life they create for themselves, what makes them happy, with unconditional love.
ReplyDeleteJoared: As you say, what lies behind a child's behaviour has many variables apart from upbringing. Friends, celebrities, the media and social media can also be a big influence. Some parents no doubt beat themselves up over things that have nothing whatever to do with them.
DeleteI was left to my own devices - I don't think my parents had any dreams for me beyond me having a roof over my head.
ReplyDeleteSx
Ms Scarlet: I was also left to my own devices most of the time. But my father evidently hoped I would be a carbon copy of himself.
DeleteI remember being a teenager and being nothing like my parents and just being me. When my daughter was growing up she was completely different than me and her father so whatever decisions she made, were on her. I never blamed myself if she made a mistake, but she is a great woman.
ReplyDeleteMary: As a teenager, I was always disagreeing with my father and he didn't like that one bit. He was very self-righteous.
DeleteI think it is very difficult for parents and children to see where their mutual boundaries lie.
ReplyDeleteChildren who have had their boundaries stomped on, have difficulty knowing which of their wishes are their own and which are taken on to please somebody.
I suspect that parents are very often at least partly responsible for the odd or irresponsible actions of their children but by the time they start doing weird stuff, the damage is done.
Ultimately, we are responsible for ourselves. It is the work of adulthood to examine our idiosyncrasies, triggers, rough edges etc and then seek the help we need to heal
Kylie: Whatever harm our parents have done to us as a child, as you say the important thing as an adult is to identify the deficiencies and try to correct them.
DeleteWell, of course. It's hard not to wonder what you did or didn't do. But that young woman with the sign? Clearly mental illness at work there.
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