When I was growing up, other people were always saying they felt guilty about this or that. So I assumed guilt was something I would mature into, something that would suddenly sprout one day. Except that it didn't.
I'm glad I don't feel guilty about anything, because it's a very destructive emotion. It means you brood and fixate over something rather than just recognising your mistake and putting it right. It eats away at your self-confidence and buoyancy.
It must be dreadful if you're someone who feels guilty about every five minutes. Like Devorah Baum:
"I feel guilty about everything. Already today I've felt guilty about having said the wrong thing to a friend. Then I felt guilty about avoiding that friend because of the wrong thing I said. Plus, I haven't called my mother yet today: guilty. And I really should have organised something special for my husband's birthday: guilty. I gave the wrong kind of food to my child: guilty. I've been cutting corners at work lately: guilty. I skipped breakfast: guilty. I snacked instead: double guilty. I'm taking up all this space in a world with not enough space in it: guilty, guilty, guilty."
How could you get through the day without collapsing in a paralytic heap?
I don't need to feel guilty (so I don't feel guilty about not feeling guilty). I'm sensitive enough and aware enough to know if I've screwed up, if I've been rude to someone, or said something I shouldn't. I don't need guilt to tell me I should do whatever is needed to smooth things over.
The guilt gene clearly passed me by.
Guilt? What is it?
ReplyDeleteRamana: My sentiments entirely.
ReplyDeleteI'd have thought you the perfect candidate for feeling the odd pang of guilt.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I don't believe a word of it. Or Ramana's. We all feel some sort of guilt at some time in life. It's human. And if we don't [feel guilt] I dare say you say you are either a saint or somewhere on the spectrum between deceiving yourself and fully blown psychopath.
U
Ursula: What was the last thing you felt guilty about?
DeleteUrsula, the only thing I feel guilty about is my inability to keep that date with you to dance in the rain in London.
DeleteShame is a destructive emotion, but guilt is not. If you hurt someone or do something harmful you SHOULD feel guilt. It motivates us to do better. Sociopaths don't feel guilt because they have never developed a conscience. The rest of us feel guilt because none of us a perfect and all of us do hurtful things now and again.
ReplyDeleteSo, blogger wouldn't let me comment on the last post. This was my comment on it:
Two different forensic investigations deemed it homicide, so not exactly an "apparent murder. And Chauvin may be a rogue cop, but his violence was condoned by the other officers. We are in the midst of a racist pandemic on top of a viral one, endorsed and egged on by the cretin in the White House. It sickens and saddens me.
Agent: Goodness, I'm either a psychopath or a sociopath, that's rather alarming. I've looked up the 15 symptoms of a sociopath and I only see one that applies to me. Unless of course everything I think about myself is a delusion....
DeleteAgent: No idea why you couldn't comment. Sorry about that. I wrote "apparent murder" before the two autopsies that concluded it was homicide. And yes, Chauvin's actions were clearly condoned by the other officers. A racist pandemic indeed. Not much has changed since Martin Luther King's murder in 1968. That was a great address by Joe Biden - the address an intelligent president would have made.
DeleteYou sure do contemplate things. I feel guilty, usually over things I wish I'd done rather than not done. I don't anguish over it.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: I know, I'm always contemplating! One thing I wish I'd done is run away from my awful boarding school....
DeleteI make plenty of mistakes...if it hurts someone I try to put it right, but I don't waste time miserygutting about how guilty I should be feeling.
ReplyDeleteFrom another sociopath....or psychopath...or just another normal human being who doesn't go in for wailing about spilt milk.
Fly: I may not feel guilt, but I know if I've hurt someone and I do something about it. Indeed, no point in wailing over spilt milk.
DeleteApparently you were never told you were responsible for something you didn't have power over. That situation causes guilty feelings because there's nothing else you can do in response except feel guilty. Which often leads to feelings of shame. The difference being guilty says I DID something bad while shame says I AM something bad.
ReplyDeleteLinda: I never thought of that. I don't remember as a child being blamed for anything I had no power over. Nowadays of course I'm blamed for being a baby boomer and destroying young people's lives, though that's something I have no power over. But it's because I'm powerless that I don't feel guilty. And I don't feel shame either. Luckily my family weren't religious so I wasn't assumed to be sinful at an early age.
DeleteI was raised Roman Catholic, which means I was raised with a ton of guilt, starting with original sin when I was born. One of the best things I read when I was breaking away is that the original meaning of sin was "to miss the mark." So no self-flagellation, just focus our energy and attention on living our values. That keeps me plenty busy.
ReplyDeleteJean: One thing I thank my parents for is their lack of interest in religion so I was never taught to feel habitually guilty or sinful. You're right that feeling guilty can be a kind of self-flagellation.
DeleteI'm like Cheerful Monk, forced to carry guilt (see Confession every Saturday) for a long time until I woke up and abandoned that cult for what it is was. An evil institution inculcating the concept of guilt into very young children.
ReplyDeleteNow if I do something out of line or hurtful I apologise immediately or as soon as.
Guilt can get mingled with shame - another toxic concept, lots of it to go around the house I was brought up in.
XO
WWW
www: As I said above, my parents weren't religious so I wasn't taught to see myself as fundamentally guilty and sinful. They just saw me as inadequate and disappointing....
DeleteLike you, guilt seldom crosses my mind, and then only to tell someone to knock it off, stop thinking and acting guilty.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: People often feel guilty for no good reason. Probably because they've been gaslighted and made to feel they're always doing everything wrong.
Deletemy first memory of guilt is of all the starving children who wished they had the food I was about to leave on my plate! I'm sure every mother has used that one at some time or another. :D although I remember silently vowing that I never would if I had children!
ReplyDeleteTammy: That was one of my parents' favourites too. I should be grateful I've got any food at all etc. I don't remember feeling guilty though, just curious as to why some people had plenty of food while others didn't.
DeleteYou're probably not a sociopath, Nick, but you are a dafty :-)
ReplyDeleteSxx
Ms Scarlet: Silly and foolish? No, I don't think that fits either. Daft on occasion, very smart on others.
DeleteI've felt guilty a few times. Not often though.
ReplyDeleteMary: I honestly don't know what guilt feels like. I can't remember ever experiencing it.
DeleteThe quote from Devorah Baum tells a very familiar tale. I think my experience of guilt originates in the protestant work ethic. Being socialised as a woman by a mother who has huge expectations is another factor.
ReplyDeleteMy own mother aside, I think that this guilt over every little (and big) thing is something that effects women a lot more than men. As we shoulder a large amount of the caring work in society (personally and in paid work) we are often responsible or partly responsible for the wellbeing of a number of people and if we take it seriously we will be assessing and reassessing to check how we can improve, which is good in some ways but becomes burdensome if we can't stop appropriately
Kylie: As you say, I think guilt is more common among women, because they're taught to take so much responsibility, while men are often encouraged to take less responsibility and just do what they want.
Delete