You know, the kind of family where they all get on with each other (more or less), where there's lots of physical affection, where they have frequent gatherings to celebrate things like Christmas and birthdays, where they defend each other to the hilt.
My family isn't remotely like that. The polar opposite in fact. It would be hard to find a family more dysfunctional, more like a bunch of strangers forced to mingle with each other than a family.
My father and I were estranged for a good twenty years. It seems I was too unconventional for his tastes, so he broke off communication. My sister and I have been estranged for even longer. I suspect she dislikes my political views but there must be more to it than that.
My brother in law and niece are equally non-communicative. We were in close touch for a few months while my mum's probate was sorted out, but then everything went quiet again.
My mum always kept in touch, but we were never that close because like my father she never understood my aberrant personality. Even my vegetarianism defeated her. To her dying day, she was sure I was really a meat-eater.
So I imagine that strange phenomenon, a normal family. A tightly-knit group of buddies rooting for each other and enjoying everyone's odd tastes and opinions.
My mental template of a normal family is the time I visited a Jewish family in Bournemouth. The interaction between them was extraordinary. They were all speaking at once, arguing passionately, sparking each other off. They plainly got on like a house on fire.
A far cry from my own peculiar family.
Even the kind of family that you mention at the end will have some gory tales to tell you. There is nothing called a perfect family like what you see in fiction. My family is / was very cohesive bar our relations with our father. For the outside world we appeared to be a perfect family but inside we all had our problems not only with each other but at times with each other's spouses. Over all however, we were and continue to hold strong ties with each other despite not being to meet as often as we would like to.
ReplyDeleteRamana: I know, no family is as perfect as it may appear from the outside. But it seems that your family has got along quite well.
DeleteMy in-laws are ore like that normal family you describe. Most of them live about 3 hours from here. Karen had 8 brothers (6 surviving) and 3 sisters. When they all get together, especially when the two on the east coast are here, it's talk, talk, talk, many of them at the same time. But there isn't any arguing and, though we all live in the South, the Wisconsin accent gets more and more noticeable, especially with the 3 older sisters.
ReplyDeleteMy family on the other hand, not so much. Mom is gone and there were issues there. One sister lives in Indiana and my other siblings live on the West Coast as does my Dad and Step-Mom. I haven't seen Dad since they moved back to Oregon in 2012 and he's not much of a phone or internet person. He's 88 and I had been thinking about going out for a visit before this COVID mess started, but we're not traveling.
Mike: It's difficult when someone avoids phones or the internet. My mum had a landline but she stopped answering it. She never phoned me either so contacting her became almost impossible (she never had email or a mobile phone).
DeleteMy husband and I both grew up in dysfunctional homes (though not completely aware of it at the time). We tried our best to raise our children better.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: I imagine that your awareness of what made for a dysfunctional home enabled you to raise your children a lot better.
DeleteI don't think there is any such thing, Nick, much as Hollywood tells us so. Since Covid 19 my five siblings and I have a Zoom family meeting every Sunday - for three weeks now. I wonder if it will last as we all have issues of some kind or another. but right now it's civil and the bros, normally really loud, jokey and show-offy, are subdued and polite and my sister and I actually get to talk. This rarely happens in person.
ReplyDeleteI've been in the presence of the Jewish family type you mentioned and I really envied their ability to speak their minds, stand their grounds and no one fell out over any of it. This would never happen in my family. One of my bros didn't speak to me for 10 years, still really doesn't. No idea what was up his nose.
XO
WWW
www: Good that you're keeping in touch with everyone on Zoom. And good that it seems to have subdued your brothers a bit! I know, the family as depicted by Hollywood is doubtless usually mythical.
DeleteVery difficult relationship with my mother...as time went on I could analyse it and come to terms with her but no one could say that we were close. With my father I knew where we were, but we were not a touchy feely family.
ReplyDeleteMy husband's close family strike me as ideal candidates for being sectioned...both amoral and immoral. No wonder he spent as much time as possible with the cousins in Belgium.
Fly: Both amoral and immoral? That sounds bad. My family is strongly moral, they shy away from anything that looks bad, never mind anything illegal. Maybe that's where I went wrong - I'm not so strait-laced.
DeleteI don't know anyone who lives life like an advert. And I'm not going to buy any Oxo cubes to make it so.
ReplyDeleteSx
Ms Scarlet: Me neither. But I do know a few couples who have serious problems - with each other, with their relatives, with their kids.
DeleteOh you would be surprised just how many families out there are like yours. I recently stopped talking to my dad again. I stopped talking to him for 10 years and we started talking for about 15 years and now nothing. We just don't get along because my step mother tries tearing us apart and my dd believes all her lies. I have three half siblings from his first marriage and we rarely speak.The only family member that I do speak with is my younger brother. The brother who had been given up for adoption that I found is just too dangerous to be around me so I don't speak to him.
ReplyDeleteMary: That's awful about your stepmother spreading poison. And also about your dangerous brother. Love and respect seem to be in short supply these days.
DeleteMy family was more like yours most of my life. As a young child my maternal grandmother hosted family events so I regularly saw the cousins that lived close but that was only half of them. My paternal grandmother hosted Christmas Eve dinner so I saw those cousins once a year. Then, at age 15, we moved out of state so I lost even that contact. Then my mom and brother both moved out of the new state so then my family became just Dave's family. Then both of his brothers moved away and his parents died so now it's just occasional get togethers with his sister and whoever of her family is around at that time. I miss having extended family even though we pretty much only saw them at holidays and I don't even like who my closest cousins grew up to be. Oh, well.
ReplyDeleteLinda: It's very common nowadays for family members to move some distance away, which can reduce contact. My sister and brother in law moved 65 miles from the family home. And Jenny and I moved 500 miles!
Deletewell. it's just my brother and I now. everyone else (and there were always very few anyway... are all gone.) most of them died young. we hardly had a chance to really know my mother and father. I had more than Michael. but 17 for daddy and 25 for mother was too soon. to really know them as adults. Michael had least had a child and I share his two grandsons as if they were my own. they are always good to me and I appreciate and love them very much. they live several states away and so our contact is not in person.
ReplyDeletethe older I get the more hermit-like I become. which I don't mind at all. in this pandemic time it's just fine with me. I find it very comfortable. but I'm sure more gregarious types think there's surely something wrong! I treasure my brother's company. otherwise I'm quite content to simply be alone.
Tammy: I'm very content with Jenny's company, I don't really need anyone else. So most of the time I don't even think about the rest of the family.
DeleteI know this story of yours completely, to the bone. Nothing to add.
ReplyDeleteThis dysfunctional family scenario is much more prevalent than I thought.
DeleteMy family was a mess...my father was addicted to alcohol, my mother was hard working but felt trapped and was depressed for a few years, my sister had a lot of rage and had to be appeased. But there was also a lot of love and struggling to be happy. My father hated his addiction, but he was often extremely happy when he was drunk, so who's to say? He told me once to watch what he did and do the opposite, and after several years of being extremely serious I decided to figure out how to have his joy without drugs or alcohol. It was a good decision.
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite book titles is Wayne Muller's Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood. I didn't find the book that useful, but the title is right on. I'm grateful for my childhood, and I'm fiercely loyal to my family.
Jean: "He told me once to watch what he did and do the opposite". My father could have said the same quite often. Yes, if you can work out how to have joy without drugs or alcohol (or other artificial stimulants), that's the way to go.
DeleteNot sure about the spiritual advantages of a painful childhood though....
It was a great advantage for me. I spent a lot of time developing my philosophy of life when I was a teen. It's a rock solid foundation.
DeleteJean: That was very smart of you. I was a pretty mixed-up teenager, I only began to understand my own personality and my own philosophy of life in my twenties.
DeleteI think our family is quite close, and I grew up in a large extended family where there were regular fallings-out but heaven help anyone outside the family who criticised someone in it!
ReplyDeleteLiz: So true that a family may be highly fractious but woe betide any outsider who points it out!
DeleteThe Disney family you talk of is a fantasy. My extended family can be like your Bournemouth example but we also hurt each other, keep in touch very loosely, get annoyed at each other and so on
ReplyDeleteHumanity is messy
Kylie: Nice to know so many people are saying their family is a lot like mine. Advertising has always been far removed from reality!
DeleteI don't encounter many "normal" families, and I hear about a LOT of families. I think abnormal is more the norm. My own family of origin is certainly not like the example you started with. It's complicated, messy, sometimes horrible, sometimes wonderful.
ReplyDeleteAgent: Well, in your line of business, I guess you're a bit of an expert on this. Good to know that in your experience abnormal is the norm.
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