When you're young, you dream of the perfect house, the perfect neighbourhood, the perfect job, the perfect partner, the perfect life. None of them exist but you're quite sure you can achieve them if you just go about it the right way.
It's only after many decades of experience, many decades of being constantly tripped up by reality, that you realise perfection is unobtainable. If you can achieve about 75 per cent of your ambitions, you're doing well.
Don't get me wrong. I don't mean you should be a grim-faced pessimist always putting a dampener on everything. The trick is to be aware of the potential downside, and be ready for it, while enjoying the upside to the full while you're lucky enough to have been given it. Be as optimistic as you like, but without kidding yourself about the realities of life.
At my age I know a thing or two. However happy a marriage, there are always violent rows and disagreements from time to time. However splendid a house, it still has a leaking roof and dodgy plumbing. However satisfying a job, you still have to work with idlers and bunglers. However desirable a neighbourhood, there are still derelict houses and rowdy teenagers.
So I no longer see life through the rose-tinted spectacles I often wore as a child, but that means I'm also less prone to the constant cycle of high hopes and tearful disappointments I used to experience. I see life as it is, not as I imagine it to be. Or so I kid myself.
Accepting that things have downsides is the first step towards contentment.
ReplyDeleteLinda: I agree. The disappointment is that much greater if you never contemplated a possible downside.
Delete"Blessed are those who expect little, for they are seldom disappointed."
ReplyDeleteI've always expected things to go wrong and am amazed how, on the whole, well things have turned out.
Jean: Like you, I'm often amazed at how well things go, defying all those gloomy expectations.
DeleteI grew up with a negative mother, so I’ve fought the half glass full thing my whole life. I tend to expect the worst and then am pleasantly surprised when it doesn’t happen!
ReplyDeleteBijoux: I often find that it's after I've imagined the worst possible scenario, that's when things go unexpectedly well. Go figure.
DeleteMy youngest daughter was convinced conversion to a certain religion would make her life perfect. Half a century on, her disappointment and unhappiness is legion, though in no danger of contaminating the rest of the family. I am sad for her.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: Yes, that's very sad. It's a big mistake to think that one particular thing or person is the key to success in life. It's devastating when that single-minded commitment falls flat.
DeleteIf you want to look at downsides, yes . . . by way of idiotic example because I enjoy cooking: You cook a lush meal, eat it in good company; then the washing up awaits; eventually waste will out and you need to go to the loo which necessitates the purchase of toilet paper which you procure by working for money etc. etc. etc. Round and round the garden like a teddybear. So, the question is, was that lush meal worth the "downsides"? For me they are. I don't even give it a second thought.
ReplyDeleteI am one of the lucky ones. I go through life largely unperturbed; I don't expect downsides; when a true one presents itself, well that's just life, isn't it.
I firmly believe that the only downside of life itself is not so much the certainty that we'll die but the uncertainty of when.
U
Ursula: I don't really count everyday tasks like washing up and buying toilet paper as a "downside". I'm really thinking of bigger things like getting divorced or the house needing a new roof or your boss micro-managing you. Certainly I wouldn't give a thought to a lush meal requiring some tedious washing up.
DeleteYes, downsides are just life. Which is sort of the point I was making.
Indeed, I'd love to know exactly when I'm going to die, so I can make the necessary preparations for whoever has to deal with the left-over trappings of my existence.
Yes, Nick, having a chance to tidy up before you bite the dust: Same here. So, some years ago I decided to put my affairs in such an order that if I keeled over the next day my son wouldn't be too inconvenienced in terms of practical matters. Which, oddly, and feel free to raise a wry smile, meant that ever since I have lived in a state of genteel chaos (in my study). My filing has gone to pot, books and my own notes flying all over the place, some of my past stacked in boxes I dread to open and decant. The logic though is beguiling: As long as everything is absolutely ship shape and I still haven't taught the Angel how to iron a shirt the most efficient way (or at all) as long I will NOT die. Brilliant, don't you think?
DeleteU
Oh, dear I lost my anchor.
DeleteIt should read "as long as everything is NOT absolutely shipshape"
U
Ursula: I like to think everything's neatly filed away and easy to go through once I'm gone, but the truth is it's probably more disorganised than I imagine.
DeleteIt took a while but I have understood the principle of yin and yang and have learnt to accept. The path to being happy is contentment and equanimity.
ReplyDeleteRamana: Contentment and equanimity is very much my philosophy of life. Picking fights with people and nursing grievances does no good whatever.
DeleteI'm an Eeyore....convinced that the solids will always hit the fan...which gives me a great deal of pleasure when they miss.
ReplyDeleteFly: As they say, always expect the worst and you'll be pleasantly surprised when things go well. I think I'm somewhere between Tigger and Piglet.
DeleteI can't say that I share your view but I enjoyed reading your thoughts on the subject. Have a great week.
ReplyDeleteThank you, and likewise. I guess you're one of those people who just take life as it comes, whether it's brilliant success or embarrassing failure.
DeleteOh I hear ya on this one. I'm a pessimist for sure and always know there's a downside to whatever I do. Because for every actions, there's always an equal and opposite reaction.
ReplyDeleteMary: Great minds think alike! You can pretend as much as you like there's no downside to something, but then when the downside bites, it's that much harder to deal with.
DeleteMy mother-in-law used to say "Nothing is ever as good or as bad as you think it will be". I'm an optimist but I know that many things have a downside.
ReplyDeletePolly: Oh, I think things can prove just as bad as you think they'll be - or even worse. But hopefully they won't happen very often.
DeleteI have been a cockeyed optimist my entire life. until the last few years that is. nowadays I have finally quit pretending life is one way and accepted it as what it is.
ReplyDeletehealth is everything. it will sort yourself out in no time! I like this idea and try to live by it now...
as Rummy says... "The path to being happy is contentment and equanimity." especially if poor health is part of that contentment and equanimity!
all kinds of sayings go with it. and they're all pretty good. :)
Tammy: Good health is so important. If your health has declined, life gets a lot more difficult. I hope I pop my clogs well before I become a decrepit old wreck.
DeleteI think setting such goals outside of ourselves (stuff, partner, money, housing) is the key to disappointment.
ReplyDeleteHappiness, as they say, is an inside job, disturbance is caused by unmet expectations.
It is only towards the end of our lives we give ourselves a great shake (or not) and realize what was important all along.
XO
WWW
www: As you say, happiness is an inside job. You can have all the material goodies in the world and still not be happy. And yes, it's when we're older that we fully realise what's important.
DeleteWe know well that things have an upside, it is often written about to cheer up pessimists. But it is interesting to be reminded of the downside - not to dampen down optimists of course, but to remind us that few things are entirely one way or another and maintain that overall sense of balance
ReplyDeleteJenny: However much we praise things to the skies, there's always a downside so we might as well admit it.
DeleteI agree. And I think the key is not just being prepared for the downsides but being okay with things not being perfect. Life is complicated and messy and still can be beautiful.
ReplyDeleteAgent: I agree, life is tangled and twisted but there's still plenty of beauty out there.
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