On the occasion of his sixty-first birthday*, Nick agreed to a rare interview with the world-renowned supermodel Veronica Trinket. They met in the luxurious surroundings of the Lagan Plaza Hotel, Belfast.VT: So, Nick, what are your feelings at this momentous time?
Nick: I'm deeply moved and touched by the outpouring of affection from my fans around the world. Several of them are still in my bed as I speak.
VT: Still the same old Nick, eh? Always in the middle of one scandal or another?
Nick: I can't think what you mean. Everyone knows I'm a leading role model for confused and impressionable young people.
VT: But you've just been charged with embezzling £5 million from a certain well-known charity that you left under mysterious circumstances.
Nick: My lawyers are contesting all charges. I'd like to talk about my tireless work for the starving peasants of Bolivia.
VT: You've never set foot in Bolivia. And what about the sex-change operation that was going to turn you into gorgeous, pouting Lavinia Loveheart?
Nick: Totally untrue. I was just wearing a dress for a short time for medical reasons. You haven't mentioned my longstanding commitment to the Sacred Order of Divine Bliss.
VT: Yes, weren't you linked to the mass suicides and extreme sexual fetishes at St Benedict's Monastery?
Nick: Not on my watch. I was climbing Mount Kilimanjaro at the time with an old school friend. And another thing, my passion for environmental protection and fighting global warming is second to none.
VT: I believe you've recycled the odd baked bean tin. And there was your six-month incarceration in the Leafy Glades Psychiatric Unit.
Nick: It was only six days. The shooting spree was entirely due to Emilia's heartless comments on my virility. (Mobile rings) Ah, it's Natalie. She's wondering when I'm coming back to bed. Girls, eh? I'm sorry, I really must be off. It's lovely to see you again, Veronica.
VT: You too, my darling. Happy Birthday!
* On March 20. And these were Nick's thoughts on being 60.
(Photo of Veronica Trinket courtesy of Trinket Management)
