No place like home

There's a Welsh word "cynefin" that means (among other things) the place where you feel you belong or feel most connected.

Some people are lucky enough to find such a place, settle down there and be very happy. Others such as myself never find it. We end up in all sorts of places and either dislike them or at best find them acceptable. We never see them as the place we're meant to be, our spiritual home, our psychic echo.

I've only ever lived in London and Belfast, and neither of those are my cynefin. They're very hospitable cities, with many attractions, but they don't have that tug, that irresistibility, that would call to my soul. I've been to many cities around the world, but none of those have the magic quality either.

I started to think, what is it that makes a place your own place, your cynefin?

1) You have to like it physically - its buildings and scenery.
2) You have to like the people and the way they live their lives.
3) You have to like the pace of life.
4) You have to like the general ambience.
5) You have to feel safe and secure.
6) You have to feel at ease, comfortable, welcome.

If any of these things are lacking, you won't feel you belong. You'll feel a sense of detachment and apartness. You'll feel like a visitor, not a resident. You'll feel you're just passing through.

But I think some people don't even realise what they're missing. It never occurs to them there's somewhere that's truly home and not just an accidental halt. They make do with what they've got, as if that's all they can expect. But it isn't. Home should be where the heart is.

Belonging

I feel precious little sense of belonging. To people, things, places, religions, commun-ities, countries, or anything else. I've always been the bemused outsider, half-attached and half-separate, looking on from a distance rather than wholeheartedly absorbed.

I lived in England for 53 years, but I don't feel very English (even if others see me as just that). I've lived in Belfast for 11 years but I don't feel very Northern Irish either. European possibly, incorporating a little something from every country.

I don't feel I belong to my family in the way most people do. I'm very different from my mother and sister (and my late father), and apart from our shared histories there's not a lot to bind us together.

I find Buddhism inspiring, but in no way do I belong to it in the sense that I'm beholden to it or engrossed in it. I merely refer to it for its insights, like dipping into a recipe book.

I like the neighbourhood I live in, but like the dozens of other neighbourhoods I've plonked myself down in, I don't feel any sharp tug of belonging, only a warm sense of "okayness".

I don't gravitate towards people with shared interests. I don't identify with other hill-walkers or Annie Lennox fans or chess-players. I can enjoy these things without the need for like-minded devotees.

There are one or two people I feel very close to, who I feel I belong to in the sense that there's some strong and compelling connection between us. My partner of 30 years for one. But not many people have that effect. Most people I meet are ships that pass in the night, similar on the outside but utterly different on the inside.

The only thing I belong to in any obvious way is the intelligentsia, that community of curious minds that analyse and dissect the world around them, that are never content with cosy platitudes but always want to go deeper, to find what's hidden.

The bemused outsiders.

PS: I forgot the two things I really connect with instantly - music and art.