It’s a platitude that after losing a partner women are more
practical than men and usually cope quite well with being on their own, while
many men can’t cope at all and are totally thrown.
Many men are so used to living with a woman who organises
the house, does all the cooking and domestic tasks, and maintains friendships, that
without her they are all at sea.
They fall into complete squalor, let the house fall into
disrepair, don’t do enough washing and cleaning, and are generally unable to cope.
Some men sink into such despair they end up committing suicide.
Apparently many older men who use dating sites aren’t
looking for love but are really looking for a housekeeper, someone to organise
their life for them.
I guess the underlying reason for this difference between
men and women is the way boys and girls are brought up. Girls are encouraged to
learn domestic and socialising skills while boys are taught that they needn’t
bother.
I wonder how I would cope if Jenny died. Would I be one of
those men who sink into squalor, or would I get along just fine? Hopefully the
latter.
I am glad to know my Dave would be just fine. He would miss me but he would be OK. I however, would be a wreck since there is so much I physically can no longer do.
ReplyDeleteLinda
Linda: I hope I would be as capable as Dave!
DeleteYes, I guess often the squalor is from despair. I once hit pause on a Christmas Doctor Who special to marvel at the details of the young lady's squalor. Then the camera went to her to-do list, where things hadn't worked out, and it was obvious she was in a Christmas depression
ReplyDeleteAnon: Yes, Christmas must be a difficult time if you've lost your partner.
DeleteMr Blue's mother became a hoarder in widowhood. When clearing her property a couple of mummified cats were discovered in the squalor!
ReplyDeleteSx
Ms Scarlet: Two mummified cats, good grief. The poor cats must have starved to death without their owner.
DeleteYou are spot on with this post, Nick, about how differently men and women cope with the loss of a spouse/partner. Just this week, we learned that the wife of a fellow blogger who we met had recently died. They had been married for over 62 years and while he is cable of coping with household chores, he admitted that life without his wife has been hard.
ReplyDeleteBeatrice: So he bears out the general truth about men and women. I would certainly find life harder if Jenny wasn't around.
DeleteI dated a man for a couple of years. Outwardly he seemed OK with the world, but over time I realized he was consuming me. He could not be alone. He wanted, almost, an alter ego. I finally sent him on his way. Very painful for him.
ReplyDeleteHi, Joanne, nice to hear from you. I wondered where you'd gone. That must have been a horrible experience, him wanting more and more from you. Good that you were able to stop him in his tracks.
DeleteMark would be one of those men, not because of him but because of me. We didn't marry until he was 30 so he knew how to run a home. I tend to take over. He'd be ok if, say, appliances were the same as he knew them but now he has no clue.He is better at maintaining friendships than I am, so he has that and he also has a very large family.
ReplyDeleteSandra: Jenny tends to take over as well! I do things my way and then Jenny decides they should be done differently.
DeleteMy husband would be fine with household skills, but I suspect he would be lonely. He doesn't golf or have many male friends outside of his job.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: Me too. I've always found it hard to make friends. My socialising skills aren't what they should be.
DeleteNck, the work must be shared up from the start. Saïd can iron, clean , cook , go shopping as well as I . Our child was brought up together. Of course he or I would be sad if one of us died, but if it's me he would be perfectly able to do all the daily things. Often women require all the work in saying their partner doesn't know and needs more time, a really stupid opinion.
ReplyDeleteHannah
Hannah: If one of us died, probably I would cope better than Jenny, because she doesn't fix any of the domestic repairs and doesn't deal with our finances. But having said that, she's very practical and would get on top of things quite quickly I'm sure. It's good that Saïd is so capable.
DeleteWhen my husband passed away 5 years ago I was the one who paid all the bills already so there was no learning curve so to speak. Our daughter moved in with me and helps out as well. The loneliness is the one thing that bothers me though. We were together for 30 years, it's hard to get used to being alone.
ReplyDeleteMary: Yes, loneliness must be a persistent feeling if you were together for 30 years.
DeleteHi Nick,
ReplyDeleteI think the idea of men having less domestic and social skills than women holds some truth but the idea of squalor and difficulty with practical tasks is probably an oversimplification of the difficulties men have when they are widowed.
After all, it's easy to solve most of those deficits: supermarket meals, a cleaner, wear clothes unironed etc.
Men have smaller social circles and less freedom to really talk about how they feel. The loss of a partner can leave a man completely isolated.
Suicides are common in older, bereaved men. That's not a result of minimal domestic skills, it's a lack hope, inability to source or access help and inability to be vulberable.
It's almost a year since my dad died and I have only seen mum distressed a couple of times. On the other hand, Dad's condition nose dived significantly while mum was in hospital. Patriarchy harms us all.
Kylie: Thanks for that different perspective on bereavement. As you say, a lack of hope, failure to get help, not being vulnerable. Also smaller social circles. Boys aren't taught socialising skills in the same way as girls.
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