At one time people died in their 30s and there was barely any time for disenchantment to set in. Even when I was young people still died in their 60s so marriage didn't last nearly so long. But still we pledge to stay married "until death us do part".
So it shouldn't really be remarkable that after a while some people find their marriages stale and unfulfilling and start affairs or abandon the marriage altogether.
Jenny and I have been lucky enough to stay together despite our ever-changing personalities and opinions. Whatever differences we've had were never enough to drive us apart. I suppose the key thing that unites us is a shared political perspective. If one of us abruptly became a fervent right-winger that would separate us for sure.
When a marriage breaks down the spurned partner can be devastated, but with today's marriages lasting so long such a breakdown has to be seen as a possibility from the start. You can't assume you'll still be together a few decades down the line.
Some people may say that a successful marriage flows along of its own accord, but I don't think that's true. In my experience you do have to work at it, before minor disagreements and annoyances turn into serious rifts.
By this stage of course there's little chance of Jenny or I suddenly starting a passionate affair, but who knows?
Major kudos to people that live that long AND stay married.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: Absolutely. To keep a marriage going does take a bit of heavy lifting occasionally.
DeleteI've been divorced once and in a very serious relationship in between the divorce and the second marriage. There have been some large bumps in the road for us but here we still are. I agree about being politically alined. It wouldn't work for me to not be, either.
ReplyDeleteSandra: Glad you got past the bumps in the road and are now in a thriving relationship.
DeleteMy experience is that most of us live married life in stages: young married, parents, empty nesters, and retired. That's enough variety in life for Dave and me. We've now been married 59 years and are glad to have survived all the bumps along the way.
ReplyDeleteLinda
Linda: Becoming parents must be a difficult time for a lot of couples. You have to make enormous changes to your life and your familiar routines.
DeleteI think you are right about being politically aligned when politics is important to you.
ReplyDeleteFly: Especially as politics has got so polarised and so emotional. You can easily fall out over it.
DeleteDivorce a few hundred years ago was rare because of the legal and difficulty of divorce, not because of short lives. The enormous gain in life expectancy at birth was due more to reduction in pre-5 death (which weighs heavily in an arithmetic average) than to life expectancy of adults.
ReplyDeleteRick: Good points, thank you. I overlooked the historic stigma against divorce. And the pre-5 death rate is relevant, as you say.
DeleteI'm 77 years old and my maternal grandfather's first wife divorced him so it did happen even way back then. Just not as easily as it has become now.
DeleteLinda
Linda: My parents were thinking seriously of divorce at one point (in middle age) but managed to stay together.
DeleteNick, as someone whose previous marriage ended in divorce, I can attest that not being politically aligned had nothing to do with us parting ways. It was his cheating ways, which I should have realized would happen as it was the same in his previous marriage of which I was not the cause. My current marriage has been ongoing for over 25 years, politics aside.
ReplyDeleteBeatrice: A cheating spouse is so common nowadays. Good that you dumped him and you've now been happily married for over 25 years.
DeleteWe too have been together for a long, long time. (55 years!) And, both of us have changed more than once during that time. Me more than he, I guess. But, we try to work it out and there are lots of things that we do together and enjoy together. We have both managed to settle into our retirements without too much fuss. There are still a few heated arguments over the course of a year as we really are complete opposites but they don't last and do not evolve into something that we cannot manage together.
ReplyDeleteI'm just grateful that someone has put up with me this long!
ReplyDeleteSx
Ms Scarlet: Me too! What does Jenny see in this deeply flawed individual?
DeleteNick, mutual respect and to admit that your partner is an independant individual is the secret for our nearly 60 years long love. I agree for the political perspective. Very important for us too.
ReplyDeleteHannah
Hannah: True, recognising your partner's independence is very important. Nearly 60 years is quite something.
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