She stood up to my father when he opposed her wish to train as a teacher (or a schoolmarm as he put it). He wanted her to stay at home and be the diligent housewife she had always been. He didn't want anything to interfere with his cosy domestic routine.
But my mother resisted him and went ahead with learning to drive and then training as a primary school teacher. She knew that if she didn't follow her long-standing urge to try her hand at teaching she'd always regret it.
She taught for something like ten years and adored every minute of it. She loved helping her pupils to improve their reading and writing and maths and simply encouraging them to enjoy learning.
As it happened, my father died just a few years after she retired and his intransigent stance died with him. I don't think he ever came to terms with my mother's steadfast resolve to follow her own path.
I thought her attitude was wonderful and I supported her every inch of the way. It would have been a terrible shame if on her death bed she had voiced her regret at not having done something she dearly wanted to do.
I never asked her, but I imagine she was very pleased that women today are encouraged to be whatever they want to be and make the most of their abilities.
My MIL got her master’s degree with 5 kids in elementary school and then went on to teach for 25 years or so. We think she did it just to get away from her own kids! Oh, the irony!
ReplyDeleteBijoux: Yes, a wonderful irony! I'm sure a lot of people see work as a refuge from demanding kids.
DeleteDuring this time it was considered a negative to a man if his wife worked because it bruised the ego, the thought was the man didn't make enough money. That's how it was when I grew up. My mother went to work after I was an adult. By then my father didn't care. I have worked most of my adult life, not all, but most. Now two incomes are necessary to survive.
ReplyDeleteSandra: I don't know if my father saw my mother's job as a bruise to his ego, but he was certainly a very egotistical character.
DeleteI know how frustrated my mother was when leaving the ATS after the war and becoming married when it wasn't the done thing for married women to go out to work. She did voluntary work - that was fine, it seems - but it did not fulfill her. Unfortunately she took out her frustration on me.
ReplyDeleteFly: Married women couldn't work - ridiculous, wasn't it? I'm sorry she took it out on you.
DeleteNick, in my family women were always supported to realise their wishes and dreams. A question of mutual respect . How wonderful what your mother did. Men stop women to do what they want ,a question of domination which comes back today with the right extremists. Women at home and having children. Not a positive evolutiöon.
ReplyDeleteHannah
Hannah: Good that women in your family could follow their dreams. Women stuck at home looking after children can get incredibly frustrated.
DeleteEvolution sorry.
ReplyDeleteHannah
My father did not allow my mother to work. He went so far as to tell her she was too stupid for anyone to want to hire her. When she left him, after 18 years of emotionally abusive marriage, she found a job just fine. Now, the far right in the USA is encouraging that same belittling of women.
ReplyDeleteLinda
Linda: If he was so abusive, it's a wonder she stayed as long as she did. But then, divorce was really frowned on in those days. And yes, the right wing extremists are disturbingly popular.
DeleteHe was good at making her believe she couldn't survive without him. She waited until I, her youngest, was in high school to finally get out since she "knew" she couldn't take care of us if we were younger.
DeleteLinda
Linda: I think a lot of men pulled that trick of "you couldn't survive without me." And still do no doubt.
DeleteMy family was always in favor of women participating as much as men did, especially my mother, who supported us every inch of the way.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: I think you come from an enlightened family!
DeleteGood for your mom. My mom stayed home and was the wife and mother until my parents got divorced and then she went to work for her father.
ReplyDeleteMary: Good to know she got away from the housewife role.
DeleteWell done your mum. In those days it took great courage for a woman to follow her dream.
ReplyDeletePolly: She was absolutely determined, and wouldn't let anything stand in her way.
DeleteYour story was a good one. It was the opposite for my mother. My father browbeat her and berated her for everything. She loved him fiercely. No matter what. When my father died, I knew how terrible it would be for mom to be alone, but there was also a part of me that saw her, for the first time, being able to make her own decisions and to do things that she wanted to do. I knew it would be a hard transition, so I tried to spend as much time as I could with her. One day we were having a cup of coffee. My brother stormed in, slammed the checkbook on the table, and ranted and swore because she had asked him to stop in on his way home from work to pay a bill for her and had given her an empty checkbook. She cried and begged him not to be angry.
ReplyDeleteI realized that she had found a replacement for my father's rages.
It was a strange moment.
Debby: As you say, it looks like your brother's rages replaced her husband's. I guess withstanding such constant criticism year after year suggests a weird sort of resilience. I couldn't do it myself.
DeleteYour mother and the other women like her are true inspirations. I have a wonderfully supportive husband who had no issue with me starting my own carpet cleaning business, but my father is still on the fence. Always making somewhat biting remarks or hurtful questions like "wouldn't you rather be with the kids?" I feel like to an extent, he feels like he failed in some way. But ultimately, I'm contributing to my family, I'm still a valid mother, and I'm happy.
ReplyDeleteAbigail: Asking you whether you would rather be with the kids must be so infuriating. Good for you, starting your own business and refusing to be the typical housewife.
Delete