Do I even know what is myself? I'm such a mixture of different characteristics and attitudes and tendencies, which ones are my real self? Is it the anxious bit, the happy bit, the grumpy bit, the bewildered bit (etc etc)?
Does being myself mean stomping about in a violent rage? Or hurling plates across the kitchen? Or telling people they're nauseating arseholes? Or throwing a custard pie at the King? I don't think any of those things would be helpful.
And how can I be sure I'm being myself rather than what someone else has suggested, or what's fashionable, or what's convenient? How exactly do I distinguish the genuine article from the bogus and performative?
Personally I'd replace "just be yourself" with "just do what seems to be the best thing in the circumstances". Not so pithy or succinct but a bit more practical.
Then again, if you're drawn to violence, bullying, cruelty and other undesirable traits, the last thing you need to be told is "just be yourself". "Just be anything other than yourself" would be more appropriate.
I certainly couldn't have "been myself" when I was working. I'd have been shown the door pretty quickly if I told my colleagues precisely what I thought of them, or told a stroppy customer to get lost, or turned up tipsy to an important meeting.
Just be yourself? Easier said than done.
I don't find it challenging to be my authentic self and I cease the performative a long time ago. Therapy helped a huge amount.
ReplyDeleteWe have to dig deep to find the truth. But it's there and I seek out others who have no trouble showing flaws and talents and personal growth. And yes, joy.
XO
WWW
www: Well, I certainly have plenty of flaws but not much in the way of talents. Not sure about personal growth either - am I any wiser or smarter than 40 years ago?
DeleteWe are, by default, ourselves. However, sometimes circumstances ask for modifying that same self. Adapt to the situation. What is your desired outcome? And that asks for both self awareness and being aware of the other person's persona/Achilles heel/modus vivendi. Sometimes the softly softly conflict avoider would be best advised to up the ante (or is that anti); sometimes the more confrontationally inclined be best advised to tone it down. Both need a radar. And receive!
ReplyDeleteI pity people who let it all hang out regardless of the cost to their surroundings, their relationships. Don't ask. Yes, my father. Good job he never became an underwriter. Cost/benefit analysis definitely not his strong point.
Here is a thought, Nick, it may even may make you smile: Leaving aside that humans are social creatures [to varying degrees] the ideal scenario to be yourself is to be by yourself. A hermit. What fun. Do what you like. Up the alm. The goats you keep for milking couldn't care less about your SELF.
U
Ursula: I'm not a confrontational person, but is that my natural self or is my timidity suppressing my natural self? And when so much of what I do is a reaction to other people's expectations, what is a natural reaction and what is my diplomatic social self?
ReplyDeleteI am being myself...I can't do other. What appears depends on the circumstances...
ReplyDeleteHelen: That sounds a bit risky, just letting things happen!
DeleteBeing myself means not having to cope with morning. Go to bed between 2 and 3 am get up between 11 am and noon. That's being myself. When I had to be at work at 8 am I had a picture of Snoopy laying on his doghouse looking hungover. It said, "I think I'm allergic to morning." I don't drink; I also don't do mornings.
ReplyDeleteLinda
Linda: I'm the opposite, I'm a morning person. I go to bed at about 9 pm and wake up at about 4 am. Jenny's more like you.
DeleteMy Dave is also a morning person although not as early as you. We laugh about how little time we are in bed at the same time.
DeleteLinda
Linda: I used to wake at a more sensible time like 7 am but my body won't cooperate.
DeleteIf you're doing things to meet others' expectations, that's not being yourself.
ReplyDeleteIf a person can be the same in all different settings, with all different people, that person is authentic.
Anyone who changes is performative or yielding to expectations to some degree.
I change a little: I'm less guarded around people I really trust but i'm pretty authentic, I think
Kylie: Yes, you've always struck me as an authentic person. When I talk about meeting other people's expectations, what I mean is that I'm not going to be gratuitously rude or discouraging or high-handed to someone just in order to "be myself".
DeleteI do not really understand what it means to be myself . What we are is often revealed in our relations to others. Our personality has been built around our education up from the start. And what we consider to be our authentic behaviour is just what society awaits. Social life is a theater stage and we are all performing more or less a role or pretend to do so. I'm really myself and authentic when alone with my husband Saïd, because we trust each other and feel we can show our very intimate feelings.
ReplyDeleteHannah
Hannah: I think you're right that we're often revealed in our relations with others. Like you, I show myself most freely with Jenny. We're all playing roles and meeting expectations more than we think and more than we want to admit.
DeleteI’m generally myself, but as you mention, there is a time and a place for saying whatever’s on your mind. I guess I see that as having some manners, and not that I’m be inauthentic.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: That's a good way of seeing it, that you're just having some manners.
DeleteI've always understood that expression to mean not trying to 'please' other people. I remember I went through a phase of not wanting to been seen to ask for help because I wanted to look like I could do everything. Then, one day started thinking and asked myself who was I trying to impress. Now, if I don't know something, I'll just put my hand up and I'm happy for someone to correct me.
ReplyDeleteLiam: Me too. I'm very happy for someone to correct me. I'm not one of those self-righteous males who never admit they're in the wrong. I'm also very happy to apologise.
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