How often do you hear someone saying that X shouldn't be depressed or anxious or distressed because they have a great life compared to people in other countries who have real problems to worry about, like drought and famine and earthquakes and civil war. They should consider themselves lucky to have such minor problems.
But those problems aren't minor to the people coping with them. Severe psychological blocks that interfere with your life and your relationships need to be properly responded to and not dismissed out of hand.
It all assumes a sort of "league table of suffering" in which one person's suffering is rated as low down the table and someone else's suffering is way up at the top. As if X's suffering is not true suffering but Y's suffering is the real thing.
But suffering is suffering. Is my desperate grief over the loss of a loved one any less important than the misery of an earthquake victim who has lost her home? To an onlooker, one might seem less significant than the other, but to the person concerned their distress might be totally overwhelming and incapacitating.
Certainly I'd be pretty pissed off if I was severely depressed and someone said to me "Oh, you're not really depressed, Nick. You're simply not the type. You're as tough as old boots. Just give yourself a good talking-to and you'll be fine." Which would be about as helpful as a kick up the bum.
I've always hated this. The logical conclusion of such an attitude is that we should identify the single worst problem in the world and then only worry about that one, since every other problem is unworthy of our attention because a worse one exists. It's ridiculous, and disrespectful of people who are going through difficulties.
ReplyDeleteInfidel: Indeed, that's the logical conclusion and it's idiotic.
DeleteYou are so right. If someone feels depressed, they are depressed. It's as simple as that. It's not a contest.
ReplyDeleteColette: I think a lot of people don't realise just how crushing and paralysing serious depression can be.
DeleteI take more exception to people who "diagnose" you as x, y, z without the necessary qualifications. My father, an otherwise intelligent man or at least with potential, is a master at this. I could be dying at his feet, a knife sticking out of my chest, and he'd tell me it's all psychosomatic. Which is a bit rich coming from a man who, once upon a time, made it his mission to convince the world and its dog that soma (body) and psyche work in unison. One playing out via the other.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, on first reading your post I was reminded of toothache. Sure, I have nothing but sympathy for Dustin Hoffman (was it Bladerunner?) subjected to "dental" treatment. The horror of it. But when I have a toothache, an abscess, it's MINE! Close up and personal. Hitting the roof. I don't care if you are hanging upside down in some dungeon in some god forsaken country without hope and dying of thirst. Though will once my boil has been lanced.
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Ursula: You're right that severe pain blots out everything else. "I feel pain, therefore I am" as someone once said.
DeleteI agree. Those types of platitudes are unhelpful at best and damaging at worst.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: It's a platitude that's uttered by someone who simply hasn't thought it through. Or who hasn't experienced really severe distress.
DeleteI agree with Ursula about the toothache! My God, it hurt like hell - turned out not to be toothache and got me through 2020 - kind of. But, yes, everything else pales to insignificance.
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Ms Scarlet: Yes, I remember your toothache. It must have been a horrible experience. I've only had toothache once - on Boxing Day. I had a six hour wait at the emergency dental clinic.
DeleteMy dad was like that. I would be stressed out and he'd say, "What do you have to be stressed out about. My neighbor's dog is sick. Now she is stressed with a reason to be."
ReplyDeleteI just thought it was so rude.
Mary: And presumably when HE was stressed out, he'd pretend he wasn't, or just get angry. That was what my father did.
DeleteAnd the people who come out with this disparagement are usually the first to let you know if they have a pain in their little finger...
ReplyDeleteFly: Very true. Perhaps they should be told that the pain in their finger isn't real, they're imagining it.
DeleteWhen my son and his family moved to Italy and I was distraught I apologised to a woman who'd been widowed a few years earlier but she said to me, "There's no hierarchy of grief," which was very helpful to me and generous of her.
ReplyDeleteLiz: Suggesting that people aren't really suffering, or that their suffering is less acute than someone else's, is just crass.
DeleteBeatrice's comment didn't appear on my post. She says "Everyone has suffered or is suffering in some way and their discomfort should never be trivialized or the person made to feel that this distress is less significant than another person's."
ReplyDeleteBeatrice: Exactly. People may seem fine on the surface, but underneath there can be real suffering they're struggling to deal with.
Deletethe harm people cause when they're trying to help us -- it's really cuz they just want to help themselves & feel all wonderful that they found the solution to our probs lol
ReplyDeleteDaal: True. People like to give well-meaning advice that is usually not what the person wants to hear.
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