I think it's partly a reaction to my parents, who weren't very keen on physical affection. My father avoided it completely, while my mother stopped hugging and kissing me after she heard it might turn me into a homosexual (I know, it's hard to believe people actually thought that way).
So I'm happy to kiss and hug anyone who fancies a bit of kissing and hugging. Like me, some people enjoy it and can't get enough. Others recoil from it, seeing it as something affected and unnecessary, strictly the province of celebrities and chat-show hosts. I certainly wouldn't force a hug on someone who seemed unwilling.
I'm not ruling out men. I know affectionate physical gestures between heterosexual men are generally seen as a bit peculiar and even threatening, but I've never felt that. Why shouldn't men get the same pleasure from a kiss or a hug as women?
It may come as a shock to some (or it may not) that I've kissed hundreds of men. The explanation is simple. When I supported the Gay Liberation Front in the early 1970s it was the custom at meetings to greet your friends with a kiss. Not wanting to appear unfriendly or staid or homophobic, I followed suit and merrily kissed every man I met, even casual acquaintances. It was greatly enjoyable.
But for most men, shaking hands is all they can manage. My brother in law is strictly a hand-shaker, and clearly very suspicious of anything more affectionate. He doesn't know what he's missing.
I am like you but, over here, we don't kiss except children. And yes, your BIL doesn't know what he is missing.
ReplyDeleteRamana: There's a lot of casual kissing and hugging in Northern Ireland. I'm all in favour.
DeleteNothing like a big hug. When we see friends we always hug. Not so much into the kissing, but hugging is a big thing. You're right though some people are truly uncomfortable with it. Some of them sorta pat you on and back.
ReplyDeleteSandy: As I say, I wouldn't expect a kiss or a hug with someone who might be uncomfortable with it.
DeleteMy mother was highly traumatized by the Holocaust and not able to be very close but she was full of tenderness, caring intentions and had a wonderful way to look at you which gave immediately a warm.insurance feeling. My husband is a hugging and kissing guy and so I get a basket full of hugs and kisses still today. I'm blessed.
ReplyDeleteHannah: Tenderness, caring intentions and warmth more than make up for a lack of physical affection.
DeleteHannah
ReplyDeleteHugging... sometimes, kissing... no. Shaking hands... not so much in the last couple of years.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I guess it's about personal space. Also, hugging and kissing other than immediate family is not very common in the places I've lived and worked.
Mike: I think a lot of people reserve hugging and kissing for family members, and aren't so keen with other people.
DeleteVery affectionate with close friends and family but I've been assaulted by a "hug" too many times by men of my acquaintance to encourage those I don't know very well.
ReplyDeleteXO
WWW
www: Some men seem to think a woman always welcomes a hug, which may not be the case. And some men think they're "entitled" to a hug, which is even less the case.
DeleteI am too small to be hugged. I am best put on a pedestal and worshipped.
ReplyDeleteSx
Ms Scarlet: That option is now available as part of our Pedestal service. Worshipping will start at 12 midnight. Are you paying by card or cash?
DeleteI had to teach my husband to hold hands in public. His sister's kids have taught us to greet family members with a hug. Still no kissing anyone other than husband in private, though. Once in a restaurant, a server told us it was "cute" to see people our age still holding hands.
ReplyDeleteLinda Sand
Linda: Jenny's not keen on holding hands in public, and hardly anyone here does. We need more people willing to be "cute"!
DeleteLike you, I did not receive much affection as a child and zero as a teen. When I was in high school, it was uncommon to hug or kiss friends. As I moved through college, it became more common. I’m still not a huge hugger and I dislike kissing anyone besides my husband and grandkids. I guess I just never got used to it.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: It's odd, kissing and hugging wasn't something I "got used to", as I didn't hug or kiss much in my childhood. So where did this enthusiasm come from?
DeleteMy parents were not demonstratively affectionate and I learned from them.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: Funny, I somehow learnt to be the opposite of my parents!
DeleteWhat do you mean by "kissing"? Air - the French are so adept at? Full smackers? Give me a break.
ReplyDeleteHugs? Yes. It comes natural. Though sometimes it's advisable to respect others' (and your own) personal space (50 cm).
As to heterosexual men hugging: It's the norm. There is nothing "peculiar" or "threatening", as you say, about it. Watching the Apple of my Eye and his friends their hugging is a sign of actual affection. Not affectation.
There are people in my life who I wouldn't hug - uninvited. It's almost a sign of respect of the, usually much older, to offer your hand instead. Maybe hold the hand a bit longer, engage in eye contact; both possibly conveying more than a perfunctorily hug. Anyway, there are cultural differences.
As an aside: I had you totally down as non hugger, an avoider of physical contact.
You know what I do, slightly veering off the subject? I touch complete strangers' arms in conversation. As the psychologist says: Yes, it's touchy feely, but also a sign of wishing to dominate. And there I was, thinking it soothing (for the other), reassuring. Well, well, well ...
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Ursula: Not air kissing, real kissing.
DeleteI don't see many het men hugging round here.
An avoider of physical contact? I suppose you assumed that a het male of my age would have always been leery of such contact. Absolutely not. But then I've never been a typical male.
Liz's comment didn't appear on my post. She said: "I watched the start of the first episode and decided it was too slow, even for me. You and I are fortunate in our relationships I think."
ReplyDeleteLiz: We watched the whole of episode one but like you decided it was too slow to go on with. Plus the wife was absurdly submissive and malleable and annoying.
DeleteI'm affectionate. I see nothing wrong with you kissing men if you were both comfortable with it. Nothing wrong with that. I've kissed my fair share of women and I don't see it as a big deal.
ReplyDeleteI had a complete stranger come up to me a month back or so and hug me. Short hug, just a hug and he smiled and left. He's said hi to me every time he's seen me since. He's just a friendly guy.
Mary: Yes, women kissing women is seen as normal, but (het) men kissing men is seen as something extraordinary. I like the way the stranger befriended you!
DeleteGrowing up, my parents were not overly affectionate and I can't recall a lot of hugging as a child. That changed when I married my ex-husband as his mother was a "hugger" and so it became the norm to be hugged and hug back in return.
ReplyDeleteThe pandemic has most likely caused a change in many people to be less demonstrative.
Beatrice: The pandemic might well have permanently discouraged physical affection. I'm still distancing myself from other people!
DeleteI'm not a hugger, it wasn't a thing my parents did much of so I'm still not terribly comfortable with it but I'm trying to change that.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was doula-ing I always felt compelled to kiss the birthing mum on the forehead before I said goodbye. They might have felt it was weird and I probably should have asked permission but it just seemed right
Kylie: Did we hug when we met in Sydney? I can't remember. A kiss on the forehead is a nice idea.
DeleteIm not at all sure!
DeleteHugging and kissing with my husband and I and our children including when they became adults had always been a very natural act for us -- has continued to be. The feelings I experience giving and receiving hugs can be quite different depending on the relationship I have with the person from the known-to-me individual to a previously unknown individual and never seen again person, but I'm not uncomfortable with hugs. Kissing seems to me requires a bit more reservation toward those with no personal relationship -- especially in this day of monkeypox with skin transmission.
ReplyDeleteJoared: Yes, kissing might be slightly risky at a time when covid and monkeypox are doing the rounds. Luckily I can kiss Jenny as often as I want!
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