Wednesday 1 September 2021

What might have been

When I think of my parents (both now dead), I have a strong sense of loss. But it's not the loss of what was, or what they meant to me. It's the loss of what might have been, what I never had.

It's not the loss of what was, because I was never close to either of them. They were so different from me and never understood the sort of person I was, or what I wanted to do with my life. And they were both very cagey about anything personal.

Some people are lucky enough to have a close relationship with one or both of their parents, one that's enriching and inspiring and supportive. When those parents die, there's a deep sense of an important part of one's life being taken away. All at once there's a big hole that needs somehow to be filled.

In my case that particular sense of loss is absent. What I feel is more the loss of what might have been - exactly that sort of intimate bond with a parent that might have greatly enriched my life.

Above all, the lack of that close relationship means I know next to nothing about my parents' personal lives and they remain shadowy, blurry figures. Just about everything that happened to them before I was born is a mystery. Likewise much of what they thought and felt. Did they ever get anxious or depressed or frustrated or despairing? What went through their minds? Mostly, I have no idea.

They must surely have wanted close bonds with their children (otherwise why have children at all?), so why did they do so little to foster that closeness? Why were they always so reticent, so guarded? Why couldn't they open up? It leaves another sort of big hole - but one that can never be filled.

37 comments:

  1. That’s sad, but I do understand. I’m not close with my mother and never had the type of relationship where we call each other to talk and share anything intimate or discuss feelings. And I do not have that with my brother, either. That’s why I’ve forged such close friendships, many stretching back 50 years now.

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    1. Bijoux: Good thinking that you've cultivated friendships to compensate for family failings. I have loads of casual friends and acquaintances but Jenny is the only close friend.

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  2. Times were different and people were reticent and undemonstrative. My late father in a rare confession once said that he learnt to be like that from his father and he simply did not know any better. My relationship with my mother was very close for reasons that you already know. My relationship with my son and daughter in love now could be considered to be very close.

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    1. Ramana: I wouldn't say it was just the times my parents lived in. I'm sure they could have been more open if they'd wanted to. But I think they saw such closeness as "inappropriate".

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    1. Ms Scarlet: Hmmm. That might explain why my father made so many mysterious calls from public phone boxes....

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  4. I do believe parents who lived through 2 world wars were traumatized to some degree. I was fortunate in that my mother was completely accessible. My father not. Much trauma in his family of origin which he never dealt with but acted out in rages and abuse.

    I was very fortunate with my mother and had a lovely relationship with her, deep and open. Unfortunately she died young leaving young children - my siblings. But her memories inform much of my own life.

    XO
    WWW

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    1. www: So many men still resort to rages and abuse instead of talking things through with someone. They're oblivious to the fact that it just upsets everyone around them.

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  5. I'm not sure my parents ever wanted children. We just happened. I don't miss either of them.

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    1. Linda: I don't think my father wanted children. He once said that having children was "a duty". I'm not sure enjoyment ever came into it.

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  6. What could have been is to be mourned and let go which is easier said than done. I remember when I first read that you forgive for your own benefit. I thought that was impossible. But I tried it.

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    1. Ann: Rest assured I don't dwell on it, it just crosses my mind sometimes. You can't rewrite the past, after all.

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    1. John: Indeed. I'd love lots of things in my childhood to have been done differently, but what's done is done.

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  8. That is sad - So the lesson is to parent your children if you have them or mentor your nieces and nephews or the children of close friends.

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    1. Debby: We don't have any children. I have one niece but I don't see much of her because she lives in England.

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  9. Mother resented my arrival, which she felt confirmed the loss of her freedom. Her continual undermining made me wary and unommunicative, but at least i did not assume it was my fault.

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    1. Fly: So why did your mother have children? Was it what your father wanted?

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  10. I can empathize with "What might have been."

    Both of my parents had a lot of regrets about how their separate relationships with me turned out. Mom was 16 when I was born. She was 35 when I graduated from high school. My parents divorced before I was 5. I had the broken home experience before it became so very common as it is today.

    I ponder on it often. Just a few hows ago, I came to the profound realization that Karen, my wife, has been of more importance and significance to me than anyone by far. My parents and grandparents don't even come close... and never really did.

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    1. Mike: That's a shame your family have been such a disappointment to you. Divorce when you were five must have been shattering. I would say the same about Jenny as you say about Karen.

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    2. I can't say it was "shattering." I just don't remember it. I had a great support system in my mom's parents until I was 15. They were even my "guardians" when I lived with them for 5 years after Mom left us with them, though there were no legal documents assigning them to that role.

      I guess all I can say is that it is what it is. My normal is all too normal for all too many kids in recent years. Too many didn't fare as well as I did. I know my sister didn't.

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    3. Mike: Yes, far too many of today's kids have had to cope with difficult family circumstances and poor relationships with parents and siblings. It's not surprising there are so many troubled adults out there.

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  11. Did you ever try to provoke a conversation or discussion ? As a child this may be difficult, but as a teenager or adult it must be possible to discuss . We must admit that we cannot choose our family ,but always can try to arrange relation and if not just cut off and may be analyse why personnalities are so different. Life is not always easy .

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    1. Lou: I provoked discussion all the time. This was one reason why my father cut off contact - he didn't like being challenged on anything.

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  12. You are not alone in these feelings, Nick. I was never especially close to my mother in the type of mother-daughter relationships that are warm and cozy. I felt closer to my father in many ways. Both my parents are deceased and lately I have found myself regretting all the things I never learned about their lives, perhaps it has to do with facing my own mortality at this stage in life. I do know my parents made a decision to have children and that they loved my brother and I as seen in home movies and photos. I don't blame them for not sharing more about their lives, I regret not hav ing asked the questions when they could reply.

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    1. Beatrice: I'm more and more aware of how little I know about my parents' lives. I guess that's a result both of them sharing so little and me not asking enough questions.

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  13. I'm sure a lot of people feel somewhat the same as you do.

    Both of my parents were alcoholics and I was never close with either of them because of it.

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    1. Mary: That must have been a real blight on your childhood. But you seem to have left that behind and become a well-adjusted adult.

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  14. I'm sure they were a product of their time, Nick.
    Prevailing attitudes were different and then there was the great depression and WW2.
    My own parents who I'm guessing were 15-20 years younger than yours, are good people who love me but they never easy it, they rarely hugged me after about age 10, etc. I say this not as a complaint but just to say expectations were different.
    Your dad sounds like the product of significant trauma. Your mum might have been, too. If you look, you will find clues to their lives.
    How did they respond to events?
    What did they tell you?
    What have you heard from others?
    What clues are in the historical context?
    Did they have symptoms of mental illness?

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    1. Autocorrect failed me there. My parents love me but don't say it

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    2. Kylie: Certainly my father could have been the product of trauma. He was sent to boarding school at age 7 and we all know what boarding schools used to be like - authoritarian, stiff upper lip, hide your emotions etc. He was very bad-tempered, which I guess was due to inability to express himself any other way.

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    3. Being sent away from everything familiar is, in itself, a trauma. A seven year old is a baby and their whole wellbeing revolves around their carers

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    4. Kylie: As you say, being sent away from everything familiar is itself traumatic. Being sent to boarding school felt like rejection to me and no doubt felt like rejection to my father.

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  15. If parents have never experienced intimacy as children some seem unable to show it to children of their own. Others seem to be able to create what they never had. You and they were cheated of having that experience unfortunately.

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    1. Joared: That could be what happened with my parents, that they hadn't experienced enough intimacy as children. Certainly my mother's father was the stiff upper lip type, never revealed very much of himself.

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  16. I find that mourning a parent with whom you had a difficult relationship (whether through abuse or distance) is more complicated and difficult than grieving someone you had a close, loving relationship with.

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    1. Agent: That's an interesting insight. I shall give it some thought. I would have assumed the opposite.

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