Monday 10 May 2021

Silver splitters

Apparently there's a rising trend for "silver splitters" - older couples who divorce in their fifties or sixties, often after decades of marriage, and either marry again or stay single. They no longer want to stay together till the bitter end, but decide to split up and make a new start while there's still plenty of their life left.

But one relationship counsellor says that people underestimate the consequences of splitting, both for themselves and other family members. It can be much more expensive than they thought, it can greatly upset their children, and it can be hard to cast aside the psychological bonds of a long-lasting relationship.

Personally, I can't imagine leaving Jenny and starting again with someone else. After so many years of forging such close bonds with each other, I'm sure it would be incredibly difficult to begin that process all over again with another person. At every step I'd be bringing a whole lot of emotional baggage from my previous relationship, which surely would get in the way of making a new one.

Of course if your existing relationship is disastrous, if there's domestic violence, if you have fiercely differing views on many subjects, if you simply don't get on, if your partner is an alcoholic or a drug addict, then it's a lot easier to make the break, though even then there may be a reluctance to give up on a relationship you've invested so much in over so many years.

Then again, some former spouses simply don't want another relationship. They decide they're perfectly happy living on their own. As one divorcee put it: "All of my girl friends who have got divorced went wild in the year afterwards. They were having a blast dating guys."

What you might call Silver Seducers.

32 comments:

  1. I am currently in the middle of being a moral support for a 83 year old male friend whose wife has decided after fifty years of marriage that she wants out and has gone away from him. It has been traumatic for him and I have been aware of all the problems that he faced getting his life on track again. No, neither is a silver seducer but, something snapped and the result is hard to handle for him. I have no clue as to what the lady went through or is going through but, I suppose that she too must be finding it hard to readjust.

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    1. Ramana: It sounds very traumatic for both of them, as they make a major change in their lives and have a lot of adjustments to make. I hope it all works out positively.

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  2. I’ve not heard that term. I suppose if you’re unhappy, you would consider it. At some point, we realize we only have a finite amount of time left, so why be miserable?

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    1. Bijoux: Exactly, why be miserable if you have a good chunk of your life left. Why not reach for something that makes you happier?

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  3. I've known a few of these, staying together for the sake of the children. But the effects on the children of such enforced coupledom is traumatic also as they are always aware of such agreements and the unhappiness shrouding the household.

    Escape once duty is done, is the goal. A sad waste of time I find it. I never regret getting my divorce early enough to save my sanity.

    XO
    WWW

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    1. www: Yes, the children must be acutely aware of the domestic tensions and desperate for a happier atmosphere. Good for you, not leaving your divorce too late.

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  4. I haven't heard the term and don't know any who have split so late in life. I do have one friend who split with his wife after the kids were grown and out of the home several years. They were not one of those couples who made the marriage last because of the kids. He left because he had finally had it with her not holding up her end of the marriage. (Apparently, she just sat around and did NOTHING.) He had cause, she didn't get anything extra from the divorce court, but it was huge financial blow to his retirement savings because she got half of that. He ended up working several years longer than he had planned to. Several years after, he met someone new and remarried. They seem happy.

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    1. Mike: If half your savings are taken away, that's a major financial setback. I'm glad he's now doing better with his new partner.

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  5. My husband and I have been together for over 50 years. There is no way I would willingly leave him. However, retirement can be a bit confining and claustrophobic for couples. I have to admit I enjoy when he leaves the house to go grocery shopping or to a dental appointment and I am alone for an hour or so. I'm sure he feels the same way. But for more than an hour or two? I would miss him being near.

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    1. Colette: In general we don't find joint retirement confining, and we enjoy being together. We're lucky to have a big house with a lot of rooms and separate studies so if one of us wants to be alone, they can be. But I think Jenny appreciates those times when I'm out of the house for a while!

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  6. I've known it happen...but in those cases there was abuse and a sense of hanging on to safeguard the children. I noticed too that the ladies concerned were more eager to get their freedom than to safeguard their financial future.

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    1. Fly: Interesting that their freedom was more important than financial security. They must have felt extremely ground-down.

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  7. I can't help but wonder if a bit of dementia could be at play in that people split for greener pastures so to speak. Part of the wisdom of growing older is a humbleness you develop. I think we all need to pursue happiness. But I am not keen on deserting someone in their time of need. My older brother and his wife split in their mid 60s. Neither of them did that well afterwards.

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    1. Ann: Sorry to hear that your older brother and wife didn't do well. I don't know about dementia, but certainly people could have an over-rosy idea of the future that turns out to be illusory.

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  8. Andy and I are living the dream, of course. He has his projects up on the land and I have mine down here. We get together at night and whenever I want he comes down early and we go up for a magical picnic supper. It’s not going to last forever, but boy are we enjoying it.

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    1. Jean: Yes, you two seem to have great lives. You've both got absorbing activities and a close relationship.

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  9. Ugh! I would not want such a life. I remember my mom marrying an abuser because she thought that would be better than another ten years alone. She was wrong and she divorced him, too. I just wish she had divorced my dad much sooner than she did. He was a lot happier with his second wife and it probably would have been good for us kids to not live as a "family" for so many years.

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    1. Linda: Clearly your mum's second marriage was a big misjudgment. Your dad seems to have chosen better with his new partner. As you say, trying to live as a happy family when there are huge fault lines between the parents is just damaging.

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  10. I can't even imagine doing that unless you were really unhappy in your marriage.

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    1. Mary: Yes, you'd have to be seriously unhappy and dreading the thought of living with this person for another decade or two.

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  11. And we're all waiting to hear why Melinda left Bill. Though I think most of us figured it out.

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    1. Joanne: I don't know enough about the Gates saga to have come to any conclusions. What have you figured out?

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  12. Nah, I'll think I'll stay put!
    Sx

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  13. My husband and I will have been married for 15 years next month, but we've been together for over 20. I can't imagine splitting up, but then we have a good relationship and we made very, very sure we were both committed for the long haul prior to marrying. I'd be miserable without him!

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    1. Jennifer: Very sensible to have thought carefully about the long haul. Too many people rush into marriage only to find they aren't as well suited as they imagined.

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  14. I suppose it is entirely dependent on the relationship. I think during lockdown it must have been awful to be stuck with someone you don't like all the time. I encountered a couple during lockdown who were obviously going for their daily exercise walk. It was awful. He was loudly criticising her and complaining about everything she did, the kids were trailing along dismally and the whole family carried a black cloud along with them. They were weirdly fascinating, not in a good way. I would say the parents were in their late forties. So hard to split when children are involved, though.

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    1. Jenny: That sounds terrible, such loud arguments in public suggest a pretty fractured relationship. So sad for the kids who have to endure such tensions.

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  15. My parents divorced at mid-life ages a few years after I was born unexpectedly. The issues contributing to such a family breakup are never simple, but included my father's alcohol use. I've since wondered if he and his older brother who was an alcoholic both had PTSD after serving in WWI in Europe. Also, in my adult life I've known of several situations when long term marriages ended, surprising me, as did the path the wives chose for their future lives. There were adult or younger children in their families. The motivating factors were all rather complex but included alcohol use by at least one of each couples spouses, plus wives began questioning their own sexual orientation, each having a same-sex partner. One situation seemed to work out for each of one couple with adult children--husband eventually wed. Another couple had considerable individual struggles, both parents died at young age -- 50-60's -- but not totally due to the divorce. Tragic situation.

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    1. Joared: Alcohol seems quite often to be a contributing factor in break-ups. Ditto women being attracted to another woman. And yes, it's often a surprise when what appeared to be a happy, well-suited couple suddenly split up.

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  16. My husband left after 27 years. I'm not sure if that puts me in the silver splitters club but I am rapidly becoming quite silver!
    I don't think he thought about it a whole lot, just had a tantrum and left. I think pride stopped him returning.
    It's worked out ok for me

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    1. Kylie: It was very strange, him suddenly walking out like that. But I'm glad it's worked out okay. After all, you still have plenty of family around you!

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