Thursday 4 March 2021

A sad decline

Dementia is a cruel and distressing illness. Cruel and distressing both to the victims and to their family and friends who have to watch their gradual mental decline but can do nothing to reverse it.

Both Jenny's parents developed dementia before their death, and so did my mother. My father died of lung cancer at the age of 70, but if he had lived longer, who knows, he might also have succumbed to dementia.

It still haunts me, almost three years after my mother's death, that she slowly deteriorated from a bright and lively woman to someone who barely knew where she was or what she was doing.

She seemed to have forgotten most of her life, and any question I put to her would prompt nothing but a vague smile. She wasn't capable of a coherent conversation and showed no interest in my own life. It was if I was talking to a total stranger, and one who had withdrawn into some remote corner of her mind that was inaccessible to anyone else.

I felt helpless and demoralised, knowing there was nothing I could do to wind back the illness, nothing I could to reawaken the vibrant woman I had once known. I could only watch sadly as her mind crumbled.

Naturally I look for signs that I might be developing dementia myself, but so far things seem to be okay. I may have a terrible memory, but I gather there's no established link between existing poor memory and dementia. Some very smart people with excellent memories, like Harold Wilson and Iris Murdoch, were struck down just the same.

It must be dreadful to be aware your mind is going but you can do nothing to restore it. It's a horrible way to go.

Pic: not my mum!

30 comments:

  1. My late wife suffered from dementia arising out of multiple cerebral infarcts and I was her sole care giver for eight years. I know first hand what it involves for both the patient and the care giver. Since she also had suffered multiple cardiac infarcts, I had to take her for monthly check ups to a cardiologist who used to tell me to take care not to become his patient. Those eight years were the most frustrating period of my life.

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    1. Ramana: Being the sole care giver for eight years is tough. My brother in law was in the same situation before my sister went into a care home (where she still is).

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  2. Yep. Ageing is a blast.
    A stroke took away most of my mum's faculties. Very difficult to watch her decline.
    Sx

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    1. Ms Scarlet: My father had a stroke at the age of 55 but luckily it was a minor one and he recovered very well.

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  3. It was horrific watching my dad decline, especially his last year. Fortunately, I always felt as though he knew who I was. My MIL has dementia and has no clue who any of us are, but she’s happy as a lark. She realizes she has no memory, but doesn’t seem to care. I think she’s better off than my FIL, who died from Parkinson’s. He still had a sharp mind in the end, but was stuck in a body that didn’t work.

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    1. Bijoux: I think if I got dementia, I'd probably be as carefree as your MIL. But it's a very unpredictable illness, so who knows?

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  4. Neither parent had dementia, luckily, though a couple of mother's friends were stricken by it...
    I read about Dennis Skinner, whose mother suffered it, who found that singing the songs of her youth made her happy and seemed to bring her back for a while. Based on that he used to visit old peoples' homes in his constituency to conduct sing songs in the hope of helping others.

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    1. Fly: Yes, I also read that about Dennis Skinner*. Interesting that singing made such a difference. I should have tried that with my mum.

      *former Labour Party MP

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  5. My parents and grandparents didn't have dementia but my grandma had a brain aneurysm and she was never the same after that.

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    1. Mary: That must have been very upsetting for you, seeing a total change in her personality.

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  6. It's not always horrible. My Dave's mother's personality changed from very judgmental to very loving as her dementia increased. Her daughter lapped up all those loving expressions she had not received as a child.
    Yes, she also loved singing but could not remember that the church hymnal was not read the same as a book so she sang the first line of every verse before moving to the second line. The smile on her face made it all worthwhile, though.

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    1. Linda: Good to know that dementia can be a positive experience for some people. Her daughter must have been most surprised at the change.

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  7. our dad died at 45 with a sudden major heart attack.
    I was 17 and the marine 14. then Mother died of lung cancer at 50. up until then they both seemed healthy and just fine. I don't know of anyone in the family that had dementia. perhaps nobody lived long enough to develop it. but from everything I've heard I think we were maybe lucky to lose them so young. in our minds they are still young and vibrant. we didn't have to watch either of them decline with age. the cancer was terrible. but she had her wonderful full mind still.
    it's all relative I guess. but this planet is Not easy!

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    1. Tammy: Premature death can be a blessing in some cases. As you say, you remember them as still young and vibrant rather than gradually failing.

      Indeed, this planet isn't easy. It's pretty hair-raising at times.

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  8. Neither parent had dementia, thought a beloved uncle did, and it was not nice. But with the one exception, that scourge had avoided the family, and I am grateful.

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    1. Joanne: You're lucky that your family has largely been spared this awful disease.

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  9. If you know you're developing it it must be horrendous. And so hard for others looking on and remembering.

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    1. Liz: Remembering my mum as animated and full of life and then seeing her almost zombie-like in a care home is an awful experience.

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    2. When Dave's mother got to the stage of remembering she couldn't remember, Dave's father taught her that lunch was at 1:00. Otherwise she would eat lunch at 11:00 then again at 12:00 then again at 1:00. I don't know how she remembered that lunch was at 1:00, though.

      If she drove into Duluth, MN, she might not remember why she was there but she remembered that, if she drove down hill, she would come to the highway where turning left would bring her home.

      It was an interesting time to be sure.

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    3. Linda: Yes, I wonder how she remembered that lunch was at 1.00? Funny how some things stick in the memory - like turning left at the highway -and some don't.

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  10. My mother in law had dementia, and it was indeed a cruel disease. It's like losing the person slowly over several years before they actually die. She was so vibrant and fun and full of life before it began.

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    1. Jennifer: That's right, you're losing them bit by bit for several years. Like a sort of mental fog gradually getting thicker and thicker till everything is obscured.

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  11. It really is a brutal disease. I remember when my dad was in the early stages of Alzheimers and he was trying to tell me something, stopped, and said with a rueful smile, "I have dementia, if you hadn't noticed." But you know, I actually treasure those visits with him. He had been a difficult man, plagued by demons of his own childhood, and the demential stripped all that away, leaving a gentle, sweet, humorous man. I feel like it gave him a time as his true self.

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    1. Agent: It sounds like it was a very positive transformation from a difficult personality to someone softer and kinder.

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  12. You have said it, Nick, this is a cruel disease and sadly there have been several people I knew who suffered from it, including to a certain degree my own late mother. Like yourself, there are times I will forget something, but thankfully will remember it later. There are many who fear dementia happening to them and good reason to stay as mentally active as possible.

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    1. Beatrice: I try to keep my mind as active as possible. Jenny and I debate everything under the sun, which helps!

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  13. It is all so sad. And terrifying. Staying mentally active and keeping healthy is our only hope.

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    1. Colette: Yes, we can only do just that and hope that's enough to stop the brain shutting down.

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  14. The idea of dementia scares the absolute hell out of me. Some of my grandparents had it, and it was truly awful to watch.

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    1. Danielle: As I say, I'm still haunted by my mum's terrible decline from fit and healthy to everything switching itself off.

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