Monday 18 May 2020

Absolute essentials

My parents weren't much good at teaching me how to think, how to have my own opinions, how to be sociable, or how to express my emotions. But they did teach me some of the absolute essentials:
  • To wear clean knickers in case I'm in a car crash and have to go to hospital
  • To check there are no bits of spinach stuck in my teeth
  • Not to talk with my mouth full
  • Not to put my elbows on the table when I'm eating
  • Not to gulp down my food but chew it thoroughly
  • Not to leave anything on my plate ("Some people are starving")
  • To say "I beg your pardon" rather than "What?"
  • To say "Thank you" rather than "Ta" (or the more recent "Cheers")
  • Not to talk to strange men with a funny look in their eyes
  • Not to write silly comments inside books
  • Not to cheek my elders and betters (well, it was the 1950s)
  • Not to swear but moderate my language
  • Not to make weird facial expressions ("You'll get stuck like that")
  • To look left, right and left again before crossing the road
  • Not to leave my shoelaces undone or I might trip over them
Needless to say, most of those went by the board as soon as I left home and escaped the clutches of my fastidious parents (though to be fair most other parents probably had similar strictures). Not all of them however. I don't talk to strange men with a funny look in their eyes (especially if they're politicians). But I still make weird facial expressions (especially if I'm listening to politicians). I still gulp down my food as if I haven't eaten for a month. And I still talk with my mouth full - I'm afraid that by the time my mouth is empty I'll have forgotten what I was going to say.

And I can't guarantee to be wearing clean knickers at all times.

29 comments:

  1. Well, Nick, maybe inadvertently, but you have let the cat out of the bag. You wear "knickers"? I thought knickers were women's undergarments.

    U

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    1. Ursula: I don't remember anyone in my family ever referring to underpants. It was always knickers.

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    2. That may be so, Nick. Now you are a grown man.

      And if you can show me one man who calls their underpants/briefs/boxers/Y-fronts "knickers" I'll show you a guy with at least six sisters in the middle of nowhere, no man in sight.

      Still, fair is fair. So I shall put your assertion, by way of anecdotal evidence, to my own circle (all ages). If I'll get laughed out of the house I shall not hold it against you. In the meantime I imagine the dignified like, say, my father and Ramana in knickers. Oh dear.


      Nevertheless, where there is glory there is, potentially, a knickerbocker. And knickers best not gotten into a twist.

      U

      PS Five minutes later: I asked the Angel what he associates with "knickers". Pants, he said. When asked whether knickers were gender specific, he said "definitely". Would he ever refer to a guy's underwear as knickers? He laughed and said "Definitely not". There you go, Nick. Anyway, Nick, thanks for the laugh. May you change your knickers daily lest you get run over by a number thirteen bus.

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    3. Goodness, what is this obsession with underwear? Who cares how we describe it?

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  2. Remember the cartoon? A crowd gathered round a road accident and a chap pushing his way through..Let me through, I'm an underwear salesman...'
    Your parents' list sounds all too familiar to me, and the food on the plate thing reminds me of a little boy at school dinners being urged to eat his cabbage as starving chidren in India would be glad of it. His politely expressed suggestion that said cabbage be sent to them was not well received.
    On underwear nomenclature, grandmother's neighbour referred to ladies' underwear as 'drawers' and the male counterpart as 'britches'.

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    1. Fly: Yes, I remember that cartoon. I also remember that joke about sending the cabbage to India! Indeed, underwear terms have changed regularly through the centuries.

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  3. Now, this genre is new and very entertaining Nick. I hope that you will continue in this vein in future also.

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    1. Ramana: I'll do my best. I have to wait for the muse to inspire me.

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  4. My parents weren't overly uptight about manners but we did have to write thank you notes for everything, which is a lost art these days.

    Wow on the underwear debate. I've never heard anyone use the words kickers, ta, cheek, or betters IRL.

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    1. Bijoux: Yes, I remember writing a lot of thank-you letters when I was young. They were always very stilted and artificial. As for those words, I didn't realise they were strictly British!

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  5. I laughed out loud at the fourth one. When Kaitlin was little she was sitting in her youth chair doing weird movements with her arms, and Andy and I couldn't understand why. Until she succeeded -- eating with her elbows on the table just like her father. We didn't have the heart to tell her that wasn't the best lesson to learn.

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    1. Jean: That's funny. I never discovered why it was wrong to put my elbows on the table. Did it look "unattractive"? Did it look "vulgar"? Who knows?

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  6. LOL!!! so. same here. there must have been a book with all the 'rules' in it. :D xoxo

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    1. Tammy: Yes, I think the parental admonitions were pretty universal at that time. What are today's admonitions, I wonder. Are they much the same?

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  7. I do remember all of them, especially number one, and chewing my food one hundred times.

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    1. Joanne: The underwear warning came up frequently, both for me and my sister. Especially my sister, since girls are supposed to be squeaky clean at all times.

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  8. . And I still talk with my mouth full - I'm afraid that by the time my mouth is empty I'll have forgotten what I was going to say.<<<<Tears in my eyes from laughing so hard at that one.

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    1. Rose: It's true. I have a terrible memory. And if I've got an especially large mouthful of something....

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  9. I think I heard most of those, too, but they were likely incidental to the major things I learned from observing what people in my life actually did, not just what they said -- actions speak louder than words.

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    1. Joared: Well, that was my point, I guess - the things that parents think are important, as opposed to what actually is important.

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  10. I heard a lot of these too. I never understood the starving one. How does that help?

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    1. Danielle: I like the joke in the comment above about a boy suggesting he send his unwanted cabbage to a starving Indian. I think we were just meant to show our gratitude for getting regular food by eating every last mouthful.

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  11. The funny thing about the knickers is, even if they were clean before, they probably won't be after a significant trauma or medical event

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    1. Kylie: Hadn't thought of that. You're probably right. In which case one might need a spare pair of clean knickers about one's person, to change into after treatment.

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  12. What? Did that not instruct you to always WASH YOUR HANDS before dinner???? Outrageous.
    Sxx

    Elbows on the table - yes I remember that one - I reckon it's because if elbows were on the table whilst holding a knife and fork then there is the possibility of food being flung everywhere?

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    1. Ms Scarlet: They probably did insist on hand-washing, though I can't remember them doing so. Good point about elbows on table. But I can't recall ever scattering my food!

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  14. I like the expression knickers. It sounds old school to me.

    The point of manners is to not make other people feel uncomfortable, so there are lots of the rules that can reasonably be let go of.

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    1. Agent: I agree about the point of manners. Funny how some people can make me feel instantly relaxed while others have me permanently on edge.

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