The list of now permissible subjects is pretty long and getting longer - mental health problems, suicide and death, sexual preferences and difficulties, disabilities, domestic violence, sexual harassment, intimate parts of the body, grisly medical treatments and many others.
When I was young all these topics were considered barely mentionable for one reason or another - too morbid, too personal, too squeamish, too upsetting, too graphic, too horrifying - and lips were sealed for fear of causing visible consternation.
The result was that many people grew up totally ignorant of things that could cause serious problems in their life, and had no idea what to do about them. They would think they were the only person in the world with such problems, and would get more and more upset about them.
Now people grow up much better informed, able to air all manner of personal traumas to other people, blurting out whatever's on their mind without feeling like a freak, and with much greater self-awareness.
We can tell the world about our prostate operations or depressive episodes or erectile dysfunction or bulimia and nobody bats an eyelid. The raised eyebrows, warning looks and frosty responses are in general long gone.
Some people of course have never adapted to the new era of uninhibited frankness and are stuck in the old taboos. I think one reason I found it so hard to talk to my mum in her later years was because there were still so many things she couldn't bring herself to talk about.
Tell it like it is - why not?
I have never had any problems telling as it is. Including about my dysfunctional family, even during school days. There are however others in my family and circle of friends who are loath to and skirt around embarrassing subjects. I sympathise with them. I call such people colonised because it is a victorian import into India! I had the good fortune to escape the Missionary School education.
ReplyDeleteRamana: So that reticence is a Victorian import? Then you're lucky to have avoided it. I hope it's soon replaced by a bit more frankness.
ReplyDeleteReligion has a huge bearing on such taboos. I was raised in the culture if you had problems it was because God was giving you a cross to bear (and you were evil if you didn't embrace the pain and suffering). Devil had you in his grip in other words.
ReplyDeleteSuch a relief to emigrate to a more enlightened country tho it took me years to throw the floodlights on my own dysfunctional family of origin and come to grips with my own newfound reality.
XO
WWW
I find people tell me about various problems which used to be taboo...csn't say I have the least temloation to do the same as i can;t see that it would be helpful.
ReplyDeletewww: I agree, religion has a lot to answer for when it comes to concealing things, and silently putting up with things.
ReplyDeleteIt can take a long time to figure out just how dysfunctional and restrictive your family of origin actually was.
Helen: Well, you seem like a wise and well-adjusted person who can deal with your private troubles without needing to spill them all out to someone else.
I'm more like Helen. When I have problems to deal with I have no desire to be understood by other people. I research the subject and try to get solid information so I can develop my strategy for moving ahead.
ReplyDeleteJean: It seems that you're usually able to use your own resources to solve problems, and don't need to talk things through with other people. That sounds good.
ReplyDeleteI think having grown up in a family of secrets has finally freed me to share some of them. Having realized my mother was a compulsive liar has freed me to look into my history to figure out which things were true. I also realize I will never know all of it for sure.
ReplyDeleteLinda: Mine was also a family of secrets, and my mother was also a habitual liar. She tended to say whatever made life easier or got her out of an awkward situation. Goodness knows what was true and what wasn't.
ReplyDeleteI think we can thank the Internet for more openness in discussing sensitive topics. However, there's still a time and a place. I don't want to hear about someone's IBS at a dinner party.
ReplyDeleteI come from a long line of silent New England genes. you never aired dirty laundry in public! it just "wasn't done!" I don't know if they talked with each other about things or not. I know we children never had a clue about anything! like you say. times have changed. probably for the better.
ReplyDeletemy maternal grandmother had major surgery for cancer. Mother received a call from NY from the surgeon himself... 1200 miles away. Gram had checked herself in and afterward he'd found no one in the waiting room to discuss it! Mother had NO idea when he called what he was even talking about!!! now THAT is silence!
Don't you find though, we are becoming more repressive again as society closes in on itself. As we become more repressive and unforgiving, and intolerant, we are pushing people back into closed mouthed, into closets. There is less sharing of helpful information for fear of shame of self.
ReplyDeleteBijoux: I must say IBS would be a bit daunting at a dinner party. Especially as it would encourage everyone else to reveal their medical problems and by the end we'd all be suicidally depressed.
ReplyDeleteTammy: What an extraordinary story. As you say, taking silence to an extreme. Even major surgery for cancer was not to be mentioned. The surgeon must have been quite gobsmacked by the secrecy!
Joanne: You have a point. Intolerance and abuse has reached sickening levels on social media in particular, and some people have definitely gone very silent and wary in response. Hopefully the tide will turn again and the intolerance will be purely temporary, but who knows?
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure, Nick. Do people actually talk about erectile dysfunction? Is mental health discussed openly? I know people younger than I am who find it impossible to talk about women's health or to educate their children on sexual health/ periods / pregnancy etc
ReplyDeleteI have an acquaintance who has been quite forward about a raft of medical issues from incontinence (nobody puts their hand up to that) to a deviated septum. I am open to discussion of all kinds of medical issues and I can do it over a meal without batting an eyelid but I don't want to hear from this person... Mostly because the medical reports are frequent and self absorbed. So yea, its not quite a free for all yet
Kylie: Well, I suppose it's a relative improvement, not an absolute one. I agree there are people who still find it hard to talk about these things, despite the example of public figures who freely admit to depressions or domestic violence or whatever.
ReplyDeleteYour acquaintance seems to be one of those who tell you every little medical development, no matter how trivial and no matter if the listener looks deeply uncomfortable. Talking freely doesn't necessarily mean chapter and verse about everything.
I assume that in the Viagra age, many men are willing to talk about erectile dysfunction (I'll admit to having experienced it myself), but I may be totally wrong.
I agree with Joanne. All is not as it seems, and I feel more tight lipped than I was 20 years ago. Maybe you get more tight-lipped as you get older - you live and learn, perhaps?
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Ms Scarlet: On the whole I don't feel tight-lipped, though there are some subjects I'm very reticent about for fear of the reaction. One is transgender because even the mildest criticism or reservation can attract a violent and censorious response. Another is sectarianism, which can also prompt a violent response from one side or the other if you don't fully align yourself with them.
ReplyDeleteOur former son-in-law is now female and very open about it. Minneapolis is a good place to be LGBT. But the national sense of openess is disappearing so I worry a bit for him/her.
ReplyDeleteLinda: As I said, it's a very controversial subject. While trans activists maintain that you can change sex, others say this is nonsense and a sex-change is a biological impossibility. There is such fierce hostility between the two sides that it's safer to keep well out of the firing line. Open-minded debate on the subject is hard to find.
ReplyDeleteFor the most part, it's a positive societal change, I think. As with any change, there are people who go overboard. Or at least, don't seem to be aware that not every forum is the same. I am careful where and with whom I talk about sensitive topics.
ReplyDeleteAgent: True, some people get carried away and tell you every minute detail of their lives, however odd or shocking. But with every major change in social behaviour, there are always those who go too far. They certainly make life interesting!
ReplyDeleteI think there is a lot more open discussion and I’m comfortable about talking about any topic. What I find is that a number of people are less able to do that in a dispassionate way and certain topics run up their blood pressure if somebody doesn't have their same point of view, even if expressed in a non-confrontative way. So, I find best to avoid certain topics with such people. I think people who work in the medical field as I have, become accustomed to discussion of body specifics that many lay people find objectionable, so best to respect their sensitivity.
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