Why were people depressed? There was no need to be, they just lacked a more positive attitude. Why were people so hard-up? Surely they could manage their finances a bit better and be nicely solvent? Why were people addicted to fags or alcohol? Couldn't they just control their cravings instead of giving in to them?
Nowadays of course remembering such sweeping opinions makes me cringe with embarrassment at my bottomless ignorance. My total unawareness of how other people think and feel and cope with life was breathtaking. Clearly I'd spent too much time with my parents' favourite reading matter, the Daily Mail.
Luckily decades of exposure to the realities of people's behaviour have demolished all those glib pronouncements and made me much more reluctant to pass comment on someone else's situation.
I can finally recognise the infinite complexities of other people's personalities, the tangled morass of needs, obligations and commitments their daily existence confronts them with, and all the myriad twists and turns of their life so far, and I realise I have barely a clue why they're the way they are or why they do what they do.
Now I just want to listen to people, to hear their own explanations of why they went downhill, why their lives went wrong, why they're struggling to cope. No sweeping judgments, no self-righteous homilies, just a sympathetic ear and the desire to understand the roots of their predicament.
You never know, I might even learn something.
Crikey, I'm glad I grew up with the Grauniad.
ReplyDeleteSx
Ms Scarlet: I started reading the Grauniad in my late teens. It was like a stick of dynamite under my parent-derived political views!
ReplyDeleteabsolutes have their place but its the grey areas, the compromises, the alternative views, the pauses in breath that make us human
ReplyDeleteIf one has lived in multiple locations, had friends and acquaintances from across all economic, caste, linguistic and religious differences, as I have, one learns that the most difficult thing in relationships is to accept the other as s/he is. If one cannot do that, at least in India with its vast diversity, one simply lives like a frog in a well.
ReplyDeleteI was fortunate that I had to learn to swim by being thrown into the deep end of the pool of life at a fairly young age which made me get knocked about a bit and learnt how not to be judgemental to simply survive.
Once that lesson was learnt, other good things started to happen!
Having said that, it is difficult not to be judgemental, particularly now with social media bombarding one with all kinds of messages but, a certain amount of dispassion helps in handling such intrusions.
At times, I have found it very difficult to not be judgemental, but I have never been one to share such thoughts, which is a good thing as all-too-often my initial opinion was unfair.
ReplyDeleteI have to internally kick myself more often than not as my quick judgements of others' behaviours can be so fatally wrong.
ReplyDeleteWe are all walking each other home and I find that that is so helpful to me.
I was brought up with such a judgy father and I have to quiet that infernal and now internal man down so often it can be exhausting on some days.
Yeah, shades of grey. It's never all black and white and everyone has a story.
XO
WWW
John: Exactly, it's the the grey areas, the compromises, the alternative views, the pauses in breath that need to be allowed for.
ReplyDeleteRamana: One of the many failings of social media is the way it encourages people to make wild (mis)judgments that are instantly applauded and supported by the person's followers. Yes, it's hard sometimes to accept people as they are. It's easier and lazier to trot out an instant judgment.
Mike: If I shared all my instant opinions of other people, the reactions would not be pretty! Keeping them to oneself is just sensible.
ReplyDeletewww: As you say, it's never all black and white and everyone has a story. Glib assumptions about someone's personality usually turn out to be way off the mark.
this post made me think of an old essay or such that I read long ago.
ReplyDeleteone line I've always remembered... "if a child grows up with criticism they learn to criticize." and it goes on with the various things that parents unwittingly (?) do in raising their children.
it has taken me a long time to realize that everyone is just doing their best.
they bring their own weak and strong areas to the table. and as you've said...
it makes for a much more peaceful life to simply try to understand them!
too bad I couldn't have do-overs with my mother-in-law. I kept comparing her to my beloved late mother. and I realized when dating after he died... I was comparing each man to my beloved Bob. not fair. human maybe. but not fair!
I sometimes wonder what even I think about things, let alone other people! I agree, they are endlessly fascinating and their reasons, though strange to me, always seem logical.
ReplyDeleteI meant "often" seem logical!
ReplyDeleteI've always tended to be more sympathetic than judgmental towards other people, but until my mid twenties I tended to be hard on myself. I still remember when that dawned on me. I was on my way to work, and when I got there I went into the bathroom, looked myself in the eye, and promised myself from then on I would be a supportive friend. It was all right to make mistakes as long as we learn and grow from them. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made.
ReplyDeleteTammy: "Everyone is just doing their best." Exactly. It may not seem like it but they are. We all have different strengths and weaknesses, none of us is perfect, and we can only work with what we've been given.
ReplyDeleteJenny: People have all sorts of strange reasons and motivations for what they do. We need to let them explain rather than leaping in with wild assumptions.
Jean: True, people can be as hard on themselves as they are on others. We need to accept ourselves as we are and not strive for some form of unrealistic perfection.
ReplyDeleteWhen people make the same poor life choices again and again and then complain to you about it, I'm going to judge! Otherwise, live and let live.
ReplyDeleteWhen what we were given was crap it is hard to learn to live a life that's not crappy. I was so judged and found wanting as a child that is socially crippling to me today. I have what's known as "cognitive dissonance" which means I am unable to believe the positive ways in which people affirm me because I still believe I am crap. After all, how can a child ever believe it's parents were wrong?
ReplyDeleteThe older I get, the easier it is to keep my opinion to myself, contrary or positive. People aren't much interested.
ReplyDeleteI seem to be a person to whom people chat when on the bus...I hear a lot about peoples' lives and accordingly learn a lot not just about the person but the culture which has produced them, where perjorative comment is discouraged...even when deserved.
ReplyDeleteBut I listen to their explanations and sometimes think, 'Well, for goodness sake!' (Just seen Bijoux's comment. Yes. Although I am usually willing to admit that they can't help their choices sometimes it still means I must bite my tongue.)
ReplyDeleteBijoux: You have a point there. If people keep doing the same silly things time after time, perhaps pointing it out to them is justified. Though they probably won't take any notice....
ReplyDeleteLinda: I was also found wanting as a child, but fortunately I had enough confidence in my own opinions and my own self-worth to take no notice. I always assumed my parents could be wrong as well as right!
Joanne: That's very true. Most people don't care about our opinions one way or the other. But if our opinion might upset them, why voice it?
ReplyDeleteHelen: Indeed, some people's behaviour just cries out for a negative comment. But no one wants to be the first person to criticise!
Liz: I know, some people's behaviour seems so obviously idiotic, you want to give them a good kick up the arse. But one person's idiotic is another's understandable.
ReplyDeleteYep. So very little is cut and dried - life is complicated, and people's behavior is every bit as complicated in response.
ReplyDeleteThe best part of me believes that people do their best and if they aren't being real clever it's because they know no better.
ReplyDeleteIn reality there are times when I find it impossible to understand why someone is so ridiculous (whatever brand of ridiculous they seem to adopt) and can only be nice about it by an act of will.
I especially recall when I was young, and before I had children of my own or had learned about all the different special needs children, my being much less able to understand some of their behaviors for which I privately in my mind blamed the parents. Though my children didn’t have any special learning needs I still had a lot to learn about children’s behavior with their parents and examine the challenges I had being the kind of parent I wanted to be.
ReplyDeleteI get you.
ReplyDeleteI've always been wary of thoser so full of certainty that they can rush to judgement.
Agent: Yes indeed. It's easy to over-simplify a very tangled situation we have no real knowledge of.
ReplyDeleteKylie: My thoughts are much the same. Sometimes I'm just incredulous at someone's crazy behaviour. I just keep wondering how on earth they can act so idiotically.
Joared: I can only imagine how much new parents have to learn about bringing up children and adapting to their needs and temperaments. If you've never had children, it's easy to think that parenting will be quite straightforward - what could possibly go wrong?
ReplyDeleteblackwatertown: Black and white pronouncements accompanied by an air of utter certainty are instantly suspicious. Very few things in life are so simple and so clear-cut.