I had little chance to tackle my father on the subject as we were totally estranged for the last twenty years of his life. I had plenty of opportunities to question my mum, who outlived my father by thirty years, but I never did. The subject simply never came up, maybe because we were both afraid of what dark secrets would come tumbling out. And also because my mum was just extremely secretive.
My guess is that they enjoyed bringing up my sister, who was always obedient and well-behaved and cheerfully conventional, while they found me more of a handful because I played up and answered back and had wayward views on just about everything.
But it's all guesswork because they never confided their real feelings about parenting. For all I know, in the secrecy of their bedroom they complained non-stop about the heavy demands of child-rearing and how inadequate and ignorant they felt. They may even at the worst moments have wondered why they had children at all. Who knows? It's just one big fat blank.
Some of the questions I have:
1) Were they glad they had children, or not?
2) What were the best aspects of parenting, and the worst?
3) Were there times when they were totally at their wits' end?
4) Were there times when they just wanted to get rid of us?
5) Did they feel they weren't really up to the job?
6) Did they feel other parents were much better at it?
7) What was the biggest mistake they made?
8) What would they have done differently?
I'd love to know the answers.
Wow! You've really given this some thought. I have to say, I've never asked my parents any of those questions, probably because I can guess what their answers would have been. I have shared with my own children what I would have done differently, but they didn't seem to think it mattered! LOL!
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of those questions are ones that all parents have. But maybe not in those days. A lot of people didn't seem very interested in what they thought of having their kids - not sure my parents ever mentioned it either. I think they reckoned that their job was to keep us from doing something really stupid till we were 21 and then we were on our own. And their parents thought even more that way.
ReplyDeleteMy father once said that his job was to bring me up to be able to be independent.... that was about it.
ReplyDeleteIt's in old age we find the time to reflect on our lives and the lives of those around us.
ReplyDeleteMy conclusion with regard to my parents is (I think I've mentioned this to you before) well said in that famous Philip Larkin poem.
There is a fair level of dysfunction in my family of origin. It seems like most in it serve up estrangement as dessert. Everyone runs from confrontation. Very few in it have taken the time for (a) therapy and (b) examination and awareness.
As for my own parenting, I can't speak for it as one child has been estranged for a very long time from all family and friends. She may have made a lifesaving decision. I don't know.
I have found more solace in friendship than I ever had in siblings and extended family.
XO
WWW
judging from mainstream television … in America anyway …
ReplyDeleteKids Rule. everything is done for the sake of the child.
the marine and I have talked about it. wondering how our father would have endured it!
we were raised like new recruits. and he was the drill instructor.
I have great respect for my father. but there was no coziness there.
and upon learning about his own childhood it's amazing that he did so well.
my mother was an only child who provided the warmth and nurturing in our family. even so... his word was in stone. if moving meant advancement for him we moved. no questions. no feedback as a member of the family. he was the head of it all and we did as he said in all things. case closed!
1. they had two children so they must have been glad of at least the first
ReplyDelete2. the best part of parenting is seeing people unfold
3. wits end comes when parents and kids are all tired (or special circumstances like learning difficulties or serious illness)
4. no, they didn't want to get rid of you
5. every. damned. day
6. yes
7. one's idea of a biggest parenting mistake changes as you see life unfold
8. we make our peace with what we did because otherwise the regret would send us insane
Hmm. My father went out of his way at times to assure us we had been wanted. In fact, that may have been true for him, but he knew that in my case it wasn't true for my mother. Years later my mother told me she cried when she realized she was pregnant with me because she was overwhelmed by my colicky sister and the fact that once my sister was born my father felt free to go off with the boys because my mother had a baby to love. She had had a sad childhood and was attracted to my father because he was fun loving and they did things together.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, my mother told me that because she said she was wrong, I had turned out to be a blessing from heaven. How is that for making an adult child feel loved?
Bijoux: That's good that your kids weren't bothered about what you might have done differently.
ReplyDeleteJenny: "Their job was to keep us from doing something really stupid till we were 21 and then we were on our own". That's a brilliant summary! I think my father was also keen to see me echoing his own thoughts and opinions - a chip off the old block, as it were - but I totally disappointed him there.
Helen: My father claimed he wanted me to be independent, but at the same time he wanted me to reflect his own views and make what he saw as the "right" decisions. He could never accept that I was a totally different person and not just a carbon copy of himself.
ReplyDeletewww: Philip Larkin was quite right when it came to my own upbringing! Yes, you've mentioned your dysfunctional family a few times - and of course all the religious constraints. I would also say that I've gained a lot more from friends than from my own family. Some of those friends have completely changed my thinking and helped me through big personal crises, which is more than my parents ever did.
ReplyDeleteTammy: Your father was obviously very strict, but you don't seem to have been damaged by it, on the contrary you thought it did you a lot of good.
ReplyDeleteI agree, I think kids are indulged far too much nowadays. Absurdly expensive toys, clothes and gadgets. Their every whim catered for. Parents who are often afraid to be a bit stricter and tell them, no, you can't always have whatever you want.
Kylie: I like the way you decided to answer my questions. And I like your answers to 5,6 and 8!
ReplyDeleteJean: That's nice that your mother started off not wanting to be pregnant but then changed her mind and enjoyed bringing you up. How typical that your father went off with the boys once your mother had a child to look after!
Nick.
ReplyDeleteActually my mom tried to be a good mother but she felt trapped and was depressed when we were growing up. I ended up being her emotional support and we became very close. One of the things I'm most grateful for in life was I was able (along with her lover) to nurse her while she was dying of lung cancer. She didn't have to go into a nursing home.
I still love my mom and dad deeply, but our family was not idyllic. My dad was addicted to alcohol and was often happy and fun to be around when was drunk but he hated his addiction, my mom was understandably depressed, and my sister would often go into deep rages. But it gave me my passion for personal growth, which helped my mom as well as myself, and my commitment to understanding happiness. It wasn't always fun but it was invaluable. I wouldn't want to go back, but I'm grateful for it.
Jean: It sounds like you had a very positive relationship with your mum, one that was good for both of you. And I can see how your dad's alcoholism, your mum's depression and your sister's rages spurred you towards personal development so as to avoid falling into the same behaviour and to live your life in a healthier way.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I would want to ask my parents those questions. It seems a little like opening Pandora's box.
ReplyDeleteDanielle: It certainly is. Your parents might come up with some answers you would rather not have heard!
ReplyDeleteI think parents have misgivings as we go along, but basically try to do the best we can in most instances. Some are better at it than others, more confident in themselves, I suppose. We’re probably influenced by what we learned from our parents, for better or worse, and who knows what their experience was. Use of mind-altering substances of any kind by a parent, or both, do little to enhance relationships of any sort in my experience and I’m not a tee totaler, but there’s so much abuse — even for older people they’re learning.
ReplyDeleteJoared: I'm horrified by the number of parents, and parents-to-be, who are consuming vast amounts of alcohol and/or powerful drugs. An alarming number of children are born with addictions. And yes, alcohol-slurping older people don't set a very good example either.
ReplyDeleteI've never asked either of my parents how they felt about being parents, but I did have conversations with both of them about abuse. My father was surprisingly far more receptive (after a four-year estrangement) and we were able to repair our relationship and move forward. My mother is much more defensive, so we have more of a truce, I'd say.
ReplyDeleteAgent: I remember you saying you had healed the rift with your dad. It's good that the four-year estrangement came to an end, and you were on better terms when he died. Not sure if my mother was defensive or just secretive, but either way there was never any serious communication between us.
ReplyDeleteMy father outlived my mother by 14 years. They had been estranged anyway before that for almost a quarter century. I had spent a lot of time with my mother after she left my father and her responses to your questions would not have been vastly different from my father's who too spent the last four years of his life with me. I had a lot of discussions with him too and the following are his actual comments.
ReplyDelete1) Were they glad they had children, or not?
Yes. They kept trying for a girl till the fourth child turned out to be one.
2) What were the best aspects of parenting, and the worst?
Seeing all four grow up and succeed in life with great spouses and giving them great grand children.
3) Were there times when they were totally at their wits' end?
Only one when the eldest, yours truly decided to get married outside our linguistic and caste system.
4) Were there times when they just wanted to get rid of us?
No, never.
5) Did they feel they weren't really up to the job?
Not that they said anthing to that effect ever to any of us.
6) Did they feel other parents were much better at it?
I don't think so.
7) What was the biggest mistake they made?
Breaking up the marriage.
8) What would they have done differently?
My father confessed that he did not know any better and did whatever he did as per the then existing norms among his peers. Had he been wiser, he woud have been a different father altogether.
I wish that I had had the opportunity to talk to my father more during his younger days. If I had had, perhaps our relationship with each other could have been more understanding and less hostile.
Ramana: That's a very comprehensive reply! My father strongly objected to Jenny and me cohabiting. He actually went so far as to leave me nothing in his will unless I had married in the meantime. But my mother gave me the intended amount anyway!
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of parents would say they followed the existing norms of the time, which in hindsight they might think were mistaken. A recent trend in the UK is for parents not to take full responsibility for their children's behaviour and claim it's the school's job to teach them how to behave!
If you do not ask you will get no answers. Why most children do not ask , that's the fundamental question. So all you say today is what you are supposing.
ReplyDeleteChloe: You're right, I should have asked more questions. I can't explain why I didn't. I don't think I was afraid of the answers. And yes, I only have supposition in place of facts. Too late now to fill in the gaps.
ReplyDelete