I think ill-will only becomes a grudge when it turns into obsessive, irrational, all-consuming hatred, or when there's also a desire to get revenge on the person, to give them a taste of their own medicine. Then you're no longer talking about an everyday feeling but something abnormal and unhealthy.
I've often felt persistent ill-will towards somebody, but it never develops into something obsessive or magnified. Dislike is enough for me, I don't need to build it up into something huge and grotesque. For one thing, I don't the energy for such intensity. It's too exhausting.
I guess grudges are usually driven by anger, and I'm not an angry person. If someone's pissing me off, I don't get enraged, I just look for a way of dealing with their obnoxious behaviour. Or I keep away from them.
Some grudges result from a failure to get something you dearly wanted, and the conclusion that you were unfairly treated. You fail to get that prestigious job you were after, and you're convinced the interview panel was biased against you. Thus a grudge is born and lasts for decades, based solely on an unproven belief. I've never had that sort of grudge either.
I've known men with a severe grudge against a woman who wouldn't go out with them, or abruptly ended a relationship. They simply can't get over the rejection, and they're nursing a continual grudge that they didn't get what they wanted and feel slighted and scorned.
I don't need grudges. Ill-will suits me nicely.
Thanks to Chuck and Ramana for the subject.
Life is sufficiently difficult; it's a waste to spend energy thinking and/or acting out grudge situations.
ReplyDeleteJoanne: Absolutely. There are more important and worthwhile things to put my energies into. And why let someone under your skin to that extent?
ReplyDeletewhat you say is true. and sometimes I seem to forget I am basically a non fighter. the other way literally leaves me exhausted. just as you said in your post here. and I have enough exhaustion simply from my age and various health afflictions that come with it. LOL!
ReplyDeleteI have learned in the past two years that my old way of simply retreating from an upsetting situation or even some people... is preferable for my inner self.
and also that 'I don't have to have a personal opinion' on everything under the sun! oh my. what a relief! not only for me but all others listening to me. wait. WHAT??? and yet here I am leaving a personal opinion? AAAGGGH !!!
and is it only me. . . or does the word GRUDGE just sound weird?
it sort of sounds like a dessert. like Mississippi Mud Cake.
here now. have another piece of Grudge with your coffee. :D XO
Tammy: I think retreating from an upsetting situation is usually a better idea than getting worked up and trying to get even. As for personal opinions, I have a personal opinion on most things, except those subjects I know absolutely nothing about. Then I just keep my mouth shut so as not to make a fool of myself.
ReplyDeleteYes, grudge is a strange word, isn't it? It makes me think of fudge or smudge. A fleeting smudge of dislike is better than a sticky fudge of hatred....
I find it hard to keep hold of a grudge after a while. It's just too boring and unpleasant. I am sorry for those who have a constitutional need to hold on to a grudge. I think I would save my anger for someone really bad.
ReplyDeleteJenny: I wonder why people can't just put unpleasant encounters behind them and get on with the rest of their life.
ReplyDeleteI did have quite a few back in the day. I called them resentments. I had to let them go even though they were founded on a pretty solid foundation - RC church, my father's abuse, etc., etc.
ReplyDeleteI had to work my way through them slowly and painfully.
Easier said than done.
I never wished anyone harm tho. Or ill will.
Just hate, now gone completely.
XO
WWW
A grudge is the inability to extend any goodwill. I bet you've had plenty of those
ReplyDeleteI guess a grudge is a lingering feeling of ill-will toward another. Usually I’ve tended to think of grudge-holders as being inclined to get even, but I suppose they can just nurture the idea obsessively, as some say, and never take action.
ReplyDeletewww: I've had plenty of resentments, but that's innocent enough. They never extended to all-out fixations or wanting to harm the other person in some way.
ReplyDeleteKylie: I've very seldom felt a complete absence of goodwill. Even if someone has treated me badly, I can still recognise their good points.
Joared: I'm sure we all fantasise about something nasty happening to a person we can't stand, but of course we would never act out that fantasy. I bet there are plenty of people imagining a horrible end for the US President!
ReplyDeleteA very nice play on words, not bear grudges but bear ill-will. I wish that I had thought of it first!
ReplyDeleteRamana: I would distinguish between a grudge - an irrational ongoing fixation on what somebody did or said to you - and a transient feeling of ill-will which is gone the next day.
ReplyDeleteRamana: I would say having a grudge is the same as having a chip on your shoulder, or having an axe to grind. Does that make more sense?
ReplyDeleteI love tammy's, "it sort of sounds like a dessert. like Mississippi Mud Cake. here now. have another piece of Grudge with your coffee."
ReplyDeleteI also like Andy's, "If I were younger I would work up a towering rage, but I don't have the energy for that anymore." Of course, he was never one to workup a towering rage, but it's still a great saying. :D
Jean: Nothing like a delicious slice of grudge to round off the evening meal.
ReplyDeleteI've never been in a towering rage. But as you know, towering rages were my father's speciality. A calm and considered resolution of a problem was beyond him.
I think a grudge is actually in between a feeling of ill will and a persistent, irrational, all-consuming hatred. The latter is more crazy than a grudge. I see a grudge as an ongoing anger at someone who has wronged you in some way.
ReplyDeleteAgent: Yes, when the ill-will turns into ongoing anger, that seems like a grudge to me.
ReplyDeleteBased on your definitions, I'm not much of a grudge holder, though there are plenty of people I feel ill will towards. I think part of it just comes down to not tolerating being treated badly, or dealing with obnoxious behavior. Some people just don't inspire warm and cozy feelings.
ReplyDeleteDanielle: Feelings of ill-will seem fairly normal to me. Surely you're bound to feel ill-will if someone is abusive or surly or off-hand. It's a different matter when that ill-will turns into something toxic.
ReplyDelete