Friday, 21 October 2011

Stranded alien

So Helen feels she's in the wrong time, place, century and country. I think a lot of us feel like that. I certainly do. I sometimes feel so profoundly estranged from this dysfunctional world, I think I must be an alien from the Planet Zog who's landed here by mistake.

I was probably just nipping down to the shops in Zog City for some more nectar, as you do, and I drove down the wrong street, as you do, and found myself swept into another dimension and heading straight for Planet Earth.

My arrival was doubtless so traumatic that I've totally repressed the memory, but I expect my reactions were something like this:

"Holy Zog, what the fuck's with this place? Are they all insane or what? Nothing but wars, poverty, brutality, pollution, slums, and half of them drugged to the eyeballs. Don't they know how to live sensibly? Don't they know how to help each other? These people are mad."

And now I can't get back to Planet Zog because I can't remember where I parked the car and my mobile phone's not working and I've forgotten how to fly through space. So it looks like I'm stuck here for a while, enduring the dismal weather and the dismal headlines.

There's one thing that really puzzles me. What's this stuff called money? And what's profit? Whatever it is, it only seems to screw people up. These earthlings are just doing everything wrong. Pea-sized brains, I guess.


  1. i just want to move forward in time, i dont know how far but enough to get past where i am

  2. I'm working with some frisky neutrinos in the hope that I will have my time machine up and working by 4th June 1942.
    Sorry, can't do better than that.

  3. You know something, I am not sure the world will be better in 1942, Scarlet Blue. So I think I may stick with now, for now.

  4. If someone could solve the problem of defining money, profit etc, we would not want to go anywhere else, no matter what the provocation!

  5. Kylie - But if you get past where you are now, then you'll need to get past the next bit. Etc.

    Scarlet - June 4th 1942 was a really good day on Planet Zog. A new form of telepathy was discovered and there were huge celebrations. So that date's fine for me.

    Jenny - It was a rather bad year on Earth, being the middle of World War Two. I'd prefer Planet Zog.

    Ramana - More a problem of getting it easily than defining it, I'd say. How do you stop it ending up in tax havens?

  6. Can anyone tell me where I am?

  7. Grannymar - Oh no, you haven't slipped into another dimension as well? Your Satnav must be faulty.

  8. Oh well that explains everything. Clearly I'm from a similar planet and have repressed memories. Money? What the hell is that? Oh the little plastic things in my wallet. I kid you not, your word capture is debto

  9. yes but the next it is gonna be good! i think. it's time

  10. Commander Nick!
    This was a research mission only, Repeat research mission.
    You are in grave danger from the sheeple on this toxic plant.
    You are to leave immediately. We are teleporting you back this minute.

  11. Baino - Yes, I expect you're an outcast from Planet Zog as well. If I ever manage to get back, I'll see you're rescued ASAP. Don't panic!

    Kylie - You're probably right, the next bit will be spectacularly brilliant.

    www - A research mission? Well, I can only say, I wasn't very well briefed. Not briefed at all in fact. Thank Zog I'll soon be back home, this planet is seriously out to lunch.

  12. I'm with Rummuser. I blame the failures of late capitalism.

    Heads off to find the nearest branch of the Wall Street Protest...

  13. Macy - Me too. Late capitalism and also global consumerism. Is there no We're The 99% protest in Edinburgh?

  14. Yes. I'm sure I'm a Zoggian, too, or from some other remote planet because I have always felt like a misfit for the very reasons you name.

    If you get home soon, please remind them that I'm still here and need a ride.

  15. Heart - I've always had that sense that you feel distinctly out of place in this bizarre world. So many of us do. I'll be sure to remind them you need rescuing fast. In fact what we really need is a mass evacuation scheme for all those stranded misfits.