Thursday 13 October 2011

Not running amok

Jenny being away in England for a couple of days, you might think I'm seizing the chance to do all those wild masculine things that men normally keep in check for the sake of domestic harmony.

You might imagine, for instance, that I'm:

(1) Going down the pub with me mates
(2) Getting drunk as a skunk
(3) Watching crap TV
(4) Downloading porn
(5) Lying in bed till lunchtime
(6) Living on baked beans
(7) Checking out all the yummy mummies as they bring little Jemima and little Jamie to the school round the corner
(8) Spending an hour or two with that very attractive widow next door
(9) Snorting cocaine
(10) Trying on my Speedos

But you'd be wrong. All those classic male syndromes hold absolutely no appeal for me. I'm very happy just as I am and have no desire to adopt such asinine behaviour. I prefer a good book to a bottle of beer (I detest the stuff) and a good CD to Match of the Day (as I also detest football). I'm incapable of lying in bed after 8 am and I can cook a few tasty meals, thank you very much.

I have no sense whatever of my natural identity being horribly repressed by the chafing restrictions of monogamy. On the contrary, I would say my identity is positively enhanced by it.

I must shamefully admit however that there's an element of truth in number 7. I mean, good grief, have you seen the young mums who live round here? There's some serious primping and preening going on, not to mention gym workouts and strict dieting. Dawn French they are not.

But number 7 aside, I have to disappoint all those who think I'm letting my suppressed masculinity run amok. I don't actually have a masculine bone in my body. All I really need is a cup of tea and a choccy biscuit.


  1. Oh, go on, surely you kick a ball around the park sometimes don't you? and can't you manage even one deep fried mars bar with mayonnaise? I'm a bit disappointed, actually, Nick. :)

  2. Oh Nick I'm sorry but trying on your Speedos aint masculine. Out here we call them budgie smugglers! A totally inappropriate way to display one's package unless you're an Olympic Swimmer.

  3. Seriously Nick, you need to get out more. Most men with triple digit IQs don't partake of any of the 7 items on your list. Most men I know both bake and cook, hate football, love theatre, etc. AND the big one (for me anyway) are faithful.

  4. You could always meet your granny(mar) for coffee.... you survived last time!

  5. Jenny - You're disappointed in me? Oh dear, I must try harder. I shall open the bonnet of my car and manfully tinker around with a few things.

    Baino - Oh, I know you lot down under call them budgie smugglers. I did own an extremely skimpy and practically obscene pair of swim briefs once. I only wore them a couple of times before acute embarrassment set in.

  6. www - Ah, but you have a very rarified and enlightened bunch of friends and acquaintances. Unhappily most men are not yet so enlightened. You only have to walk around Belfast in the evening to see numerous drunken males making idiots of themselves.

    Grannymar - Damn, why didn't I think of that? Next time Jenny's away I'll give you a ring.

  7. What's masculine about speedos?

  8. you boring old effeminate fart! you sound just like me, when kent's away the only different thing i do is put the bins out

  9. Myra - Search me, I know nothing about masculinity. But I'll take your word for it (and Baino's) that whatever it means, it doesn't cover Speedos.

    Kylie - Boring old effeminate fart is probably a fair description. Well, not boring, I hope. If anything's boring, it's having too much to drink and lying in bed all morning.

  10. I think Speedos are exclusively worn by gay men. But the rest of it? Not masculine so much as, well, the behavior of an ass. Wouldn't matter if I weren't there - if I knew a man acted like that while I was gone, I'd leave.

  11. Secret Agent - Speedos are usually worn by gay men? Ah, I wasn't aware of that. The behaviour of an ass indeed. If I were the man's wife, I'd leave as well.

  12. 2

    10a checking out the local vet who looks like george clooney

  13. John - Nah, I don't believe you're that much of a slob. Not when you're playing such an active part in all those village activities. Can't say I fancy George myself. John Hannah's more my type. Or Chris Addison.

  14. The next time I enjoy a cuppa and a chocolate biscuit, I'll think of you though I must admit the image of a man of your maturity in speedos isn't the most flattering...

    While I am no Dawn French, my bikini days are long past...

  15. You sound like a real man to me, Nick. But who is Dawn French?

  16. e - At my age, I doubt if there's any form of swimwear that would be flattering, but certainly not Speedos.

    Heart - A real man? Clearly I've been giving a false impression all these years. I'm about as masculine as Ru Paul. Dawn French is an amply-proportioned comedian and actress, best known for her excruciating religious sitcom The Vicar of Dibley. Father Ted it isn't.

  17. Er... oh dear. My brain has nose-dived into the gutter this afternoon and it got caught on the masculine bone on your body... not literally, that would be silly... and perhaps somewhat worse.

  18. Scarlet - Impossible. There isn't a single masculine bone. I had all my bones checked at the gender identity clinic and they confirmed this extraordinary fact.

  19. You sound like my husband! Jenny and I are fortunate women. Or maybe we just have good taste.

  20. Liz - That's it, you have very good taste. I feel sorry for women whose find their husbands behave like trapped bachelors.