Tuesday, 4 August 2009

The futility of ties

Ties, like buttons, should have disappeared years ago. They're a completely pointless waste of time, beloved by employers, dictators, bureaucrats, estate agents and similar odious characters. A tie-burning campaign is well overdue. I'm proud to say I haven't worn a tie myself since 1971. So here are twenty good reasons for not wearing ties:

1) They're ugly
2) They get caught in machinery
3) They get food stains on them
4) You only notice the stains when you take them off
5) They can strangle you
6) They're passion killers
7) Employers love them
8) They have no function whatever
9) They attract germs
10) They're hard to fasten
11) They can be grabbed by small children
12) Most dictators wear them
13) You get them as presents when you have a hundred already
14) You get them as presents when you really want champagne and chocolates
15) You can hardly breathe
16) They fall in your soup
17) They're boring
18) You feel like your father
19) Your mother keeps straightening them
20) Your mother thinks they're smart

Are there any reasons whatever in favour of wearing these absurd items? If you can think of any, please let me know.

Coming soon: All those other things that ought to be obsolete


  1. Having grown up in the middle of four brothers I am a dab hand at both tying and removing a tie.

    I even enjoyed wearing a tie and at one stage owned about three!

  2. In favor? They can be used as a tourniquet in a pinch.

  3. Grannymar - Ties worn by women are still unconventional and amusing, but ties worn by men are just drearily superfluous. I long ago forgot how to knot one.

  4. OK I'm with you having worn one all through school, far too many years, and my daughters did too. Hard to believe now, right?
    However, one of my kids collected all sorts of ties and wound up making a gorgeous quilt with them.
    So they do have their uses.
    But never around necks.
    And a hated boss I had once got his caught in an industrial shredder. Only that we'd all be up on manslaughter charges we'd have turned our backs.

  5. Meno - I'll give you that. But surely there can't be any other benefits?

  6. www - Drat, you all have such fertile minds. That sounds good as well. Still only two though. An industrial shredder, nasty. You'd think the health and safety guys would have banned ties by now....

  7. Yeh, just as useless as bras.

  8. Hah! Great list.

    I can't really think of a recommendation for your average run-of-the-mill tie. But what about an insouciant cravat? It stays out of the way and looks delightful...or am I waaaaay off base here...

    @Baino: useless? what? my bras are the sine qua non!!

  9. Baino - Less useful than bras surely? Unless you're so flat-chested you don't need the support.

    Leah - Cravats seem more like scarves. A bit more interesting but still ultimately redundant. As for bow-ties....(suppresses snorts of laughter).

    A sine qua non, eh? And what cup sizes does that come in?

    Gayé - But what does Niall think? Presumably he's expected to wear a tie occasionally?

  10. I don't really mind ties, but avoid them as I find that shirts that fit my arms properly inevitably are too tight around the neck, making the wearing of a tie very uncomfortable.

  11. At Christmas time you can wear one that plays a tune! What better reason do you want?

  12. the little boy over the road from me ties his around his head for the walk home from school . . . not sure what you can do with that comment but there you have it. lol.
    Townygirl. x

  13. Grow Up - I have that problem with shirts as well, another good reason for ditching ties.

    Liz - Now that would be worth the tie-wearing. Particularly if it's a tune that drives away unwanted guests....

    Townygirl - I can always do something with a comment, my ingenuity is legendary. The head-tie sounds like the old hippie fashion from the sixties, when it was the essential sign of an authentic rebel.

  14. Completely useless except to tie people up with - let you're mind take you wherever you want with that comment!

    p.s. My new pet peeve - underwear - for your next post pls

  15. Quicky - Tying people up sounds good. Another brainwave for those unwanted guests I mentioned above.

    Underwear, now that's a very big subject. That would need several posts at least. So what's your grouse with male undies? Or is it the female undies?

  16. The same for those bolo ties. How did they come into being?

  17. Brighid - I wasn't really aware of bolo ties at all. What very strange things they are! Apparently they're known as bootlace ties in the UK and were popular with 1950s teddy boys. Just as pointless as regular ties of course.

  18. If you are of a herd mentality, it is a nice feeling to belong to the fraternity.

  19. my grouse with male undies?

    in hot climates just not necessary - let the boys hang and be cool I say

  20. Ramana - Yes, I guess that explains why ties are still so prevalent despite their pointlessness.

    Quicky - Fair enough, just as long as there's no indecent exposure of the dangly bits!

  21. i rather enjoy taking ties off, which is a good reason to wear them

  22. Kylie - Sorry, not a good enough reason for me. There're lots of other exciting things to take off, after all....