Thursday, 19 March 2009

Veronica loses it

As usual, my dear friend Veronica, the supermodel, has flown in for my birthday*, bringing exotic gifts and scandalous gossip.

Once again her luggage went missing at Heathrow, and she was hopping mad. "My Manolo Blahniks are gone, and my divine Gucci handbag. Not to mention my Rampant Rabbit. They're probably in the hands of some Mumbai slum-dweller."

"But sweetie, you're always saying you want to help the poor. Now you have. I bet your Rampant Rabbit is giving someone enormous pleasure at this very moment."

"Huh" she snorted. "Why don't they just get off their bums and make another blockbuster like Slumdog Millionaire? They should stop wallowing in poverty."

Sometimes V is so politically incorrect, it's excruciating. I thought of showing her the door, but I was simply dying to hear all that celebrity gossip. She goes to the same gym as Madonna, so she knows absolutely everything.

"Well, happy six-two, you old rascal" she said, handing me a huge beribboned package. Inside was a giant carton of Viagra. She kissed me extravagantly and whispered in my ear "That should keep you going all night, lover boy."

"You're too good to me, sweetie I said. "You know just what an old man needs."

"Of course I do. I'll tell you what I need, a new chauffeur. Sam's taking too many liberties. He can't keep his hands on the steering wheel. And he's gabbing to the tabloids."

"Poor you. Just get rid of him."

"I can't. Then he'll tell the tabloids every f***ing thing. Including the business with Amy and Kylie."

"Oh God, that must never come out. How about a tragic accident?"

"Good idea. Talking of tragic accidents, don't you dare get me pregnant again."

"Shush, I'm meant to have heroically fought off your advances umpteen times."

"Of course you have, my darling."

Photo of Veronica Trinket courtesy of Trinket Offshore Investments

* March 20


  1. Happy birthday!

    Is that a frying pan Jenny's brandishing?

  2. Caro - Thanks. A frying pan, where? Has Jenny come home early from the Revolutionary Feminist Caucus? This could be tricky....

  3. hehe hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow :-)

  4. Happy birthday, Nick, you incorrigible old lecher you.

  5. Conor - Thanks. Of course Jenny and Voluptua are the best of friends really.

    www - Lecher, moi? How very dare you. I'm just a healthy, red-blooded Pisces.

  6. A cunning way of telling us it's your birthday tomorrow, old bean!

  7. Liz - Old bean? Is this a reference to my vegetarianism? Voluptua's the cunning one, not me. She tells the media I'm her devoted grandad who raised her single-handed in a Manchester prefab.

  8. Haha . . well happy Day to you Nick you spry young thing!

  9. Baino - Oh yes, still pretty spry. There's life in the old dog yet!

  10. Many a good tune played on an old fiddle!

    Welcome to the 62 Club! Enjoy your day.

  11. Grannymar - Thanks! A wonderful old saying, very true. Youth isn't the answer to everything.

  12. May I also extend a welcome to the 62 Club...Tho' I'm of '46 Vintage....a stupendous year compared to the greatness of '47 ;-)

    As for old fiddles.....I just cannot get anyone to believe me..... I tell them they should give it a try but to no avail.

    Hope it's a good day.

  13. Magpie - The 62 Club is of course the only one worth joining. Until I'm 63, that is. And despite that other old saying, you CAN teach old dogs new tricks....

  14. Happy Birthday Nick, you rascalous scandal monger, you.

    I am guessing Spring has also sprung in your neck of the woods, judging by the references to the rampant rabbit, viagra and pregnancy lol.

    I am glad to see you are still keeping Jenny on her toes.

  15. Hulla - Yes, very spring-like here, I just walked up Cave Hill, which overlooks Belfast Lough. Most enjoyable. I do try to calm Voluptua down, but she's so damn frisky.

  16. Heart - Thanks! Voluptua's just jetted off and I'm totally exhausted, I'll need a week to recover....