Thursday, 5 March 2009

Unsuitable images

How embarrassing it is when some unorthodox image of somebody pops into my mind and I then have to meet them face to face and try not to be distracted by it.

For men of course the obvious example is some inappropriate sexual scenario that imposes itself. Instead of the prim, po-faced work colleague in her sober suit, I find myself imagining a semi-naked siren luring me into her bed.

I try desperately to keep a straight face as the woman in question asks me about income statistics, performance targets or brand awareness. I attempt to push the scurrilous image to the back of my mind and focus instead on office furniture and stationery supplies. Sometimes it works, sometimes it's like trying not to think of ice cream.

Then there's the 'grisly end' fantasy. I'm picturing that noisy neighbour falling under a ten-tonne truck or perishing in a plane crash, and there he is walking down the street towards me. We exchange polite remarks as ever more gruesome finales flood into my mind.

I'm sure my lurid imaginings must be written all over my face, but he shows no sign of it. Unfortunately there's no sign of any ten-tonne truck either.

Sometimes I can't help envisaging someone in their twilight years, stooping and wrinkled, trudging along hesitantly with their zimmer frame. Why I should suddenly conjure up such an unflattering image of someone still in the full flush of youth, I don't know. Certainly they would be horrified if they knew how I was secretly painting them. If they did have a zimmer, they'd clout me with it.

What's really intriguing is that other people must sometimes be hiding equally inappropriate images of me. Somewhere out there some unlikely, innocent-faced person is privately hoping I get stabbed to death in a dark alley. Though at my age, I can't see many people picturing me in a semi-naked bedroom romp.

PS: I fantasise about all sorts of things, but I also find it easy to accept reality. An unusual combination, it seems.


  1. 'Semi-naked bedroom romp,' which tabloid newspaper did you use to write for?

    I have never seen a picture of you, so am do not know whether I might fantasise about this or not. Certainly, age is not a barrier, or doesn't need to be. The secret is to cover up all unnessarily wrinkly bits with lurid spandex.

    In my job, it may be that clients are often superimposing fantasies onto me. 99% of the time, I am none the wiser.

  2. Hulla - I worked for a couple of local rags which carefully avoided that sort of language. I could send you a picture but I don't have your email address.

    I bet your patients have fantasies. I certainly did with my therapist.

  3. I don't think I have ever had the 'grisly end' of the fantasy range! It's a thought though, does it make you feel better?!

    It's 'unsuitable' dreams about people you see in the workplace that are tricky! Sometimes they feel so real, and then, when you see them the next time, you blush for no apparent reason! Very disturbing! (not that it happens very often you understand!)

  4. Suburbia - Goodness, what a pure-hearted soul you are! No grisly ends, ever? The fantasies don't help much, the departure of the noisy neighbour would be better.

    I've seldom dreamt of my workmates, in fact my dreams seldom have anything to do with reality. And no I'm sure it doesn't happen to you often, heaven forbid....

  5. Underwear (or "underwears" as my gdaughter terms it) is what most comes to my mind.
    Poeple in.
    Silly underwear. Often too big, extremely loud, sometimes with holes (but not erotic holes, sometimes pinching and hurting them.
    Very inoffensive leif motif but highly satisfying.
    As to erotic, I had an elderly neighbour (82 to my 52) that I thought was the sexiest beast of all time.
    Age ain't got nothing to do with it.

  6. www - If you thought your 82 year old neighbour was so super-sexy, there's hope for me yet! I have to say my fantasies have focused on all age groups, not just the twenty somethings....

  7. I'm with WWW on this one. Nothing cools the fantasy like a toe through a sock or gray shapeless boxers!

    Age brings its own beauty, and the feel of the silk adds to the dream!

  8. Grannymar - Agreed, a fantasy can be shattered pretty quickly by the unattractive reality. Though I've seldom been allowed to find out if my fantasies were realistic or not! You're right, ardour can be rapidly dimmed by unappealing underwear!

  9. I'm always picturing people having sex, which is totally awful! I especially do it when I meet an unlikely couple, like a super tall and large lady with a very short and skinny guy. I don't know why I do it. I can't help it!

  10. Liz - You saucy thing, you! I'm not that bad, though I must say if I see a couple like that I do tend to wonder exactly how they fit together in bed. I can't help thinking it must be a bit awkward!

  11. Oh, I do that too (Los Angelista) - how do they manage?!

    I had a very vivid dream about my work coleague at the weekend. I couldn't look at him yesterday. (And I don't even fancy him!!)

    I don't the picturing them as old people though. Very strange. Have you thought about therapy, Nick?!

  12. Welsh Liz - You don't even fancy him? That's strange indeed. I don't think ageing people is unusual, the media does it with computerised images all the time. I had a bit of therapy once, but it didn't help me as much as I thought it would. Probably because I was too cowardly to reveal enough of myself.