Nick: So,
Esme, darling, what’s 2013 got up its sleeve?
Esme:
Well, sweetheart, I see you being swept off your feet by a tall dark
charismatic stranger.
Nick: But
I’m a happily-married man.
Esme: Ha,
that’s what they all say.
Nick: So,
this tall dark charismatic stranger. Does she have a lot of money?
Esme: I’m
not sure. My crystal ball’s getting a bit cloudy.
Nick: So
is she cultured, well-read, sophisticated, witty?
Esme:
Sorry, it’s really fogging up now, I can’t see a thing. Ask me another.
Nick: So
is she red-hot under the sheets?
Esme: I
can’t answer that. This is a decent, God-fearing, family business. But my psychic
channels say she’s definitely not the shy, retiring type.
Nick: I
see. So do I face any unexpected catastrophes in 2013?
Esme: Yes
indeed. Your cosmic aura tells me that following a very messy and acrimonious
divorce, your new mistress will desert you for a 22-year-old lesbian and you’ll
be well and truly washed-up, eking out a miserable existence in a scummy
bedsit.
Nick: Oh
dear. But can I prevent all this?
Esme: Of
course you can. Just ignore the tall dark charismatic stranger, take plenty of
cold showers and remember your marriage vows. Tell yourself that temptation can
always be resisted.
Nick: But
then 2013 might also be a bit boring.
Esme: Not
at all. I also foresee a hugely successful series of sado-masochistic soft porn
novels, written by your wife, her whirlwind romance with a tall dark
charismatic journalist, and a messy and acrimonious divorce followed by….
Nick:
That’s quite enough. I don’t want to hear any more. I love my wife dearly.
Nothing must ever come between us. Our union is unshakeable. The bonds between
us are stronger than life itself.
Esme:
Whatever. That’ll be £51, cash only, sweetheart.
Pic: the legendary Esme Plunge
Pic: the legendary Esme Plunge
