Thursday, 27 December 2012

Tall dark stranger

As is customary at this time of year, I always ask the renowned psychic and clairvoyant Esme Plunge what the new year has in store for me. Swallowing my earlier doubts about her psychic gifts, I ventured once more into her garish consulting room, trying not to stare at her ample bosom.

Nick: So, Esme, darling, what’s 2013 got up its sleeve?

Esme: Well, sweetheart, I see you being swept off your feet by a tall dark charismatic stranger.

Nick: But I’m a happily-married man.

Esme: Ha, that’s what they all say.

Nick: So, this tall dark charismatic stranger. Does she have a lot of money?

Esme: I’m not sure. My crystal ball’s getting a bit cloudy.

Nick: So is she cultured, well-read, sophisticated, witty?

Esme: Sorry, it’s really fogging up now, I can’t see a thing. Ask me another.

Nick: So is she red-hot under the sheets?

Esme: I can’t answer that. This is a decent, God-fearing, family business. But my psychic channels say she’s definitely not the shy, retiring type.

Nick: I see. So do I face any unexpected catastrophes in 2013?

Esme: Yes indeed. Your cosmic aura tells me that following a very messy and acrimonious divorce, your new mistress will desert you for a 22-year-old lesbian and you’ll be well and truly washed-up, eking out a miserable existence in a scummy bedsit.

Nick: Oh dear. But can I prevent all this?

Esme: Of course you can. Just ignore the tall dark charismatic stranger, take plenty of cold showers and remember your marriage vows. Tell yourself that temptation can always be resisted.

Nick: But then 2013 might also be a bit boring.

Esme: Not at all. I also foresee a hugely successful series of sado-masochistic soft porn novels, written by your wife, her whirlwind romance with a tall dark charismatic journalist, and a messy and acrimonious divorce followed by….

Nick: That’s quite enough. I don’t want to hear any more. I love my wife dearly. Nothing must ever come between us. Our union is unshakeable. The bonds between us are stronger than life itself.

Esme: Whatever. That’ll be £51, cash only, sweetheart.

Pic: the legendary Esme Plunge


  1. Happy new year, Nick. All the best in 2013, but stay away from tall, dark strangers.

  2. Key question Nick, is your wife meeting the SAME tall dark stranger??

    If there's a spare tall dark etc going, can I get one??

  3. Bijoux: I'll do my best. But some of them can be very alluring.

    Macy: Unless she's bisexual, I think it must be a different tall dark stranger. I'll see you're invited to the soft-porn launch, the place will be full of tall dark strangers, I'm sure.

  4. Over from Macy's and think I'll want an invite as well.

    :-) See what you can do.


  5. Pearl: No worries, you're now on the invite list. But make sure you turn up early or all the eligible tall dark strangers could be already taken.

  6. Oh what a lark
    Fifty shades of dark!

  7. Wait a minute! Esme told me that *I'd* be publishing hugely successful soft-core porn in 2013! I want my money back!!

    Leah :-)

  8. Suburbia: That sums up my reaction to Esme's off-the-wall predictions as well.

    www: Fifty shades of Esme's vivid imagination, I think. No cold showers for me.

  9. Leah: Judging by the unsuspected tsunami of interest in sado masochistic porn, I daresay the market could easily soak up your contribution too.

  10. 51 Quid for that balderdash and a chance to stare at her ample bosom! Did you win the Irish sweep stakes?

  11. Ramana: I was NOT staring at her ample bosom. I was keeping my eyes firmly on her oriental knicknacks.