Nick: So,
Esme, darling, what’s 2013 got up its sleeve?
Esme:
Well, sweetheart, I see you being swept off your feet by a tall dark
charismatic stranger.
Nick: But
I’m a happily-married man.
Esme: Ha,
that’s what they all say.
Nick: So,
this tall dark charismatic stranger. Does she have a lot of money?
Esme: I’m
not sure. My crystal ball’s getting a bit cloudy.
Nick: So
is she cultured, well-read, sophisticated, witty?
Esme:
Sorry, it’s really fogging up now, I can’t see a thing. Ask me another.
Nick: So
is she red-hot under the sheets?
Esme: I
can’t answer that. This is a decent, God-fearing, family business. But my psychic
channels say she’s definitely not the shy, retiring type.
Nick: I
see. So do I face any unexpected catastrophes in 2013?
Esme: Yes
indeed. Your cosmic aura tells me that following a very messy and acrimonious
divorce, your new mistress will desert you for a 22-year-old lesbian and you’ll
be well and truly washed-up, eking out a miserable existence in a scummy
bedsit.
Nick: Oh
dear. But can I prevent all this?
Esme: Of
course you can. Just ignore the tall dark charismatic stranger, take plenty of
cold showers and remember your marriage vows. Tell yourself that temptation can
always be resisted.
Nick: But
then 2013 might also be a bit boring.
Esme: Not
at all. I also foresee a hugely successful series of sado-masochistic soft porn
novels, written by your wife, her whirlwind romance with a tall dark
charismatic journalist, and a messy and acrimonious divorce followed by….
Nick:
That’s quite enough. I don’t want to hear any more. I love my wife dearly.
Nothing must ever come between us. Our union is unshakeable. The bonds between
us are stronger than life itself.
Esme:
Whatever. That’ll be £51, cash only, sweetheart.
Pic: the legendary Esme Plunge
Pic: the legendary Esme Plunge
12 comments:
Happy new year, Nick. All the best in 2013, but stay away from tall, dark strangers.
Key question Nick, is your wife meeting the SAME tall dark stranger??
If there's a spare tall dark etc going, can I get one??
Bijoux: I'll do my best. But some of them can be very alluring.
Macy: Unless she's bisexual, I think it must be a different tall dark stranger. I'll see you're invited to the soft-porn launch, the place will be full of tall dark strangers, I'm sure.
Over from Macy's and think I'll want an invite as well.
:-) See what you can do.
Pearl
Pearl: No worries, you're now on the invite list. But make sure you turn up early or all the eligible tall dark strangers could be already taken.
Oh er!
Oh what a lark
Fifty shades of dark!
XO
WWW
Wait a minute! Esme told me that *I'd* be publishing hugely successful soft-core porn in 2013! I want my money back!!
Leah :-)
Suburbia: That sums up my reaction to Esme's off-the-wall predictions as well.
www: Fifty shades of Esme's vivid imagination, I think. No cold showers for me.
Leah: Judging by the unsuspected tsunami of interest in sado masochistic porn, I daresay the market could easily soak up your contribution too.
51 Quid for that balderdash and a chance to stare at her ample bosom! Did you win the Irish sweep stakes?
Ramana: I was NOT staring at her ample bosom. I was keeping my eyes firmly on her oriental knicknacks.
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