Nick: So,
Esme, darling, what’s 2013 got up its sleeve?
Esme:
Well, sweetheart, I see you being swept off your feet by a tall dark
charismatic stranger.
Nick: But
I’m a happily-married man.
Esme: Ha,
that’s what they all say.
Nick: So,
this tall dark charismatic stranger. Does she have a lot of money?
Esme: I’m
not sure. My crystal ball’s getting a bit cloudy.
Nick: So
is she cultured, well-read, sophisticated, witty?
Esme:
Sorry, it’s really fogging up now, I can’t see a thing. Ask me another.
Nick: So
is she red-hot under the sheets?
Esme: I
can’t answer that. This is a decent, God-fearing, family business. But my psychic
channels say she’s definitely not the shy, retiring type.
Nick: I
see. So do I face any unexpected catastrophes in 2013?
Esme: Yes
indeed. Your cosmic aura tells me that following a very messy and acrimonious
divorce, your new mistress will desert you for a 22-year-old lesbian and you’ll
be well and truly washed-up, eking out a miserable existence in a scummy
bedsit.
Nick: Oh
dear. But can I prevent all this?
Esme: Of
course you can. Just ignore the tall dark charismatic stranger, take plenty of
cold showers and remember your marriage vows. Tell yourself that temptation can
always be resisted.
Nick: But
then 2013 might also be a bit boring.
Esme: Not
at all. I also foresee a hugely successful series of sado-masochistic soft porn
novels, written by your wife, her whirlwind romance with a tall dark
charismatic journalist, and a messy and acrimonious divorce followed by….
Nick:
That’s quite enough. I don’t want to hear any more. I love my wife dearly.
Nothing must ever come between us. Our union is unshakeable. The bonds between
us are stronger than life itself.
Esme:
Whatever. That’ll be £51, cash only, sweetheart.
Pic: the legendary Esme Plunge
Pic: the legendary Esme Plunge
Happy new year, Nick. All the best in 2013, but stay away from tall, dark strangers.
ReplyDeleteKey question Nick, is your wife meeting the SAME tall dark stranger??
ReplyDeleteIf there's a spare tall dark etc going, can I get one??
Bijoux: I'll do my best. But some of them can be very alluring.
ReplyDeleteMacy: Unless she's bisexual, I think it must be a different tall dark stranger. I'll see you're invited to the soft-porn launch, the place will be full of tall dark strangers, I'm sure.
Over from Macy's and think I'll want an invite as well.
ReplyDelete:-) See what you can do.
Pearl
Pearl: No worries, you're now on the invite list. But make sure you turn up early or all the eligible tall dark strangers could be already taken.
ReplyDeleteOh er!
ReplyDeleteOh what a lark
ReplyDeleteFifty shades of dark!
XO
WWW
Wait a minute! Esme told me that *I'd* be publishing hugely successful soft-core porn in 2013! I want my money back!!
ReplyDeleteLeah :-)
Suburbia: That sums up my reaction to Esme's off-the-wall predictions as well.
ReplyDeletewww: Fifty shades of Esme's vivid imagination, I think. No cold showers for me.
Leah: Judging by the unsuspected tsunami of interest in sado masochistic porn, I daresay the market could easily soak up your contribution too.
ReplyDelete51 Quid for that balderdash and a chance to stare at her ample bosom! Did you win the Irish sweep stakes?
ReplyDeleteRamana: I was NOT staring at her ample bosom. I was keeping my eyes firmly on her oriental knicknacks.
ReplyDelete