Flaws and failings

Maybe it's just another media obsession, but it seems to me self-loathing is on the increase. People hating the way they look, or thinking they're worthless, or always feeling inadequate when they're with other people.

How come so many people aren't happy with themselves, aren't content just to be whatever they are but are constantly picking themselves to bits in such a masochistic way? What went wrong with their upbringing or their experience of adult life that has made them so self-critical?

After my very negative childhood, which I'm sure you're all tired of hearing about, I should have developed some serious self-loathing myself, but strangely enough I didn't. I've always been happy with myself and I've never sat around listing all my defects. I never took much notice of other people's put-downs but nonchalantly sailed on regardless.

I remember a woman I worked with once, who was steeped in self-loathing. She had an endless list of personal flaws and failings, and nobody could convince her they either didn't exist or were totally trivial. Her mother was a well-known poet so wrapped up in her work she had little time or affection for her daughter, but that can't have been the only cause of her self-loathing.

There was a woman I had a brief fling with who was also full of self-loathing. Although she had a lovely flat, plenty of money and a young son she doted on, she had a very low opinion of herself and had tried to kill herself several times. Nothing I did or said made any difference, and in the end I had to part company with her because her gloomy self-dissections just wore me down.

Once you're in the habit of self-loathing, it's very hard to shift. It seeps into every area of your life and other people's compliments and reassurances are like water off a duck's back. But what's gone wrong with our society that this trait is so widespread?

Not quite grown up

Does anyone ever feel properly grown-up, even on their death bed? I certainly don't. Even at my advanced age, there are any number of situations in life I don't feel confident about, or don't feel I'm handling them as well as I should.

There are still situations I have virtually no experience of, like dealing with someone's death, dealing with a terminal illness, looking after children, or coping with a serious financial setback. Even things I've experienced often can still leave me feeling inadequate and awkward, not quite sure if I'm meeting expectations or behaving correctly.

It's rarely that I'm comfortable enough with a situation to feel I'm handling it as a mature and grown-up person, someone who's fully in control of what's happening. More frequently I'm fumbling my way along, feeling more like a confused and ignorant child, hoping desperately that things will start to make sense and I'll know what I should be doing.

I'm sure most people feel like this from time to time, but it's not something we want to admit. We don't like people to think we're out of our depth - especially employers or tradespeople or for that matter our trusting children.

We've learnt to feign competence and authority and hide our hesitations and bewilderment. We project poise and nonchalance even when inside we're a bundle of nerves and looking frantically for an escape route.

Is it even possible to feel totally grown-up, or is that another myth, another illusion that doesn't actually apply in reality? Is there anyone who feels completely in command of their life, always knowing the right thing to do, always knowing what is required of them and feeling equal to the occasion? If they do, that's quite an achievement.

But me, I'm still an innocent abroad, Alice at the Mad Hatter's Tea Party, forever hoping that tomorrow is the day I'll finally feel well and truly grown-up. It never is, though.