It's time for therapy. Time to get professional help to sort out the tangled morass that is Nick's brain before it's too late. If it wasn't too late several years ago....So here I am in the luxurious Malone* consulting rooms of Dr Melissa F, the doyenne of Belfast shrinks, the saviour of a thousand tortured souls, and the bestselling author of "Freeing the Self".
Dr Melissa: So why are you seeking therapy?
Nick: Well, among other things, I'm accused of being introverted, effeminate, anxious, sex-obsessed, cynical, unadventurous and defensive. Oh, and afraid of the dark. I need to get rid of all these undesirable, anti-social traits and become a mature, generous human being capable of infinite love and compassion.
Dr M: I'm sorry, I can't help you. You're obviously a hopeless case. The rot is too far advanced. You just have to resign yourself to a shrunken and shrivelled existence.
Nick: But I thought you could cure me. I thought you could cleanse my soul. You're the last chance I've got. Don't tell me there's nothing you can do.
Dr M: There's nothing I can do.
Nick: But don't you therapists like a challenge? A totally addled mind you can really get your teeth into? A seething vortex of neuroses, phobias and obsessions?
Dr M: Oh no, I'm all for the easy life. A straightforward nail-biter, a simple shopaholic.
Nick: I could get you some tickets for the Bruce Springsteen gig.
Dr M: On second thoughts, I'm getting interested. Maybe we can crack this thing. Which seats?
Nick: Front row.
Dr M: Fabulous. Same time next week then?
Nick: Absolutely. I'm saved, I'm saved!
Dr M: And I'm a banana.
I skipped down her front steps, happy as a lark. Yes, there's light at the end of the tunnel! Dr Melissa will purge the demons! My psyche will be born anew! Everything is for the best in the best of all possible worlds! But can I stop waxing my bikini line?
* Malone: the most prestigious and expensive part of Belfast. Home of lawyers, chief executives, more lawyers etc.
PS: My deadpan humour is clearly too convincing. Any resemblance between this post and tangible reality is entirely coincidental.
