Best avoided

I have no bright ideas for a blog post this morning, so I'm falling back on an old post about things that aren't worth wasting time on, things that don't add to my life.

Yes, life's too short to:

Pretend I'm someone I'm not. It's so easy to respond to what others expect of me, and hide my real self. But it just leaves people with a phoney idea of who I am.

Exhaust myself in a gym. Natural forms of exercise like hill-walking are more fun and more scenic. Why struggle with machines in a sweaty gym?

Listen to moaners. The hours I've wasted listening to people moaning away about their workplace, their neighbours, their relatives.

Think about the Royal Family. I couldn't care less about the royals. They're just a bunch of parasites sponging off the rest of us and giving little in return.

Idealise politicians. I no longer kid myself that politicians who promise a bright new future mean what they say. I've seen too many false dawns.

Bear grudges. Better to let bygones be bygones rather than brood over old grievances that will never be put right. Simmering over something for years only makes us sour.

Dwell on things I can't control. There's no point in harping on about things I have little influence over. Like drink-driving or homophobia or religious fanatics.

Keep the house spotless. I'm not one of those houseproud obsessives who clean and sweep non-stop. As long as the place is presentable, that's enough for me.

Shop till I drop. I can't stand shopping. I do it only when I absolutely have to. Spending time in a shopping centre, assaulted by endless Musak, is my idea of hell.

Worry about my failings. Like everyone, I make mistakes and I upset people. There's no point in fretting over it. I do what I can to make things right, and then I move on.

Misrepresented

Shocking scenes in Ballymena and Portadown, Northern Ireland in the last few days as rioting mobs targeted anyone who wasn't "local" i.e. anyone from another country. And families from elsewhere who have lived here for many years were still seen as "not local" and fit to be intimidated and told to leave their homes.

In general Northern Irish folk are quite welcoming to people from other nationalities, but there's a hard core of racists who do their best to stir up hatred and intolerance, either for political reasons or because they enjoy a bit of violence and disorder.

Most of the Ballymena and Portadown residents must have been horrified by the rioting and wanted no part of it. They are sleepy little towns were normally nothing very dramatic happens and the biggest sensation is a new set of traffic lights.

The rioting paints a negative picture of Northern Ireland that completely misrepresents the reality of sensible, peace-loving folk who just want to get on with their lives. Tourists must be wondering if the rioting might spread to Belfast or other parts of the country. Fortunately there's no sign of that as yet.

As usual, the rioting was encouraged by numerous social media posts, that no doubt included a lot of false information about foreigners getting "preferential treatment" while locals miss out.

Hopefully the rioters have already got tired of rioting and Ballymena and Portadown will return to their normal uneventful daily lives.

Suitably masculine

I do envy women the wide range of clothes they can wear, while as a  man I'm limited to a small list of clothing that's considered suitably "masculine".

Basically I'm confined to suits, jackets, shirts and trousers. Anything else would cause disapproval and dismay. But such a limited selection is horribly boring and restrictive.

I know some female clothing is absurdly uncomfortable and impractical, like shapewear or high heels, but at least women have the choice of whether to wear them or not wear them. They can be as flamboyant or dazzling as they wish and nobody will object (except in an office of course).

The irony is that every item of so-called female clothing has been worn by men at some time in the past - high heels, corsets, tights, skirts, whatever (men wore high heels for centuries before they were gradually reborn as female footwear).

Men do tend to stick to recognisably "masculine" clothes, and recoil violently from anything that's deemed "feminine". The very idea of wearing anything "feminine" is seen as humiliating or belittling or just weird.

Those men who want to cross-dress either have to do it in private, out of the public eye, or simply stifle their desire and pretend they're happy with a suit and tie. Unfortunately wives of cross-dressers are not always supportive. They often react with horror when they learn of their husband's "abnormal" inclination.

Granny's advice

I'm not an angry person. I'm more of the "Keep calm and carry on" persuasion. I believe that anger is pointless and usually self-defeating.

Some of you may remember from earlier posts that at the age of ten my grandma urged me not to be like my father - habitually bad-tempered and out of control. I took her advice and I've been remarkably even-tempered ever since.

On the rare occasion that something riles me enough to make me angry, other people are taken by surprise. They're so used to me having a cool and measured approach to whatever situation I'm confronted with that they wonder what on earth's going on.

Of course some people say that anger is one of our basic emotions, the emotion that brings us to life, and that never being angry is a bit abnormal. On the contrary, I think anger is as negative as guilt or jealousy or bitterness. Someone who is regularly angry just makes other people wary and defensive.

Anger is very fashionable at the moment. Look at a newspaper or go online and there are any number of people getting furiously angry about something or other. Where they get the energy from I can't imagine.

I also resist anger because it so often leads to violence, especially misogynistic violence. Once you allow anger to flow freely, it easily morphs into something much more dangerous. Keep a lid on it, I say.

PS: Several blogmates have suggested I'm bottling up my emotions and that expressing anger is a normal human trait that I'm lacking. Well, expressing anger may be the psychological norm but norms don't apply to everyone and to my mind it's also normal to be an un-angry outlier. I've never felt that I'm bottling up my emotions, I just hardly ever feel angry.

Coin stuffing

Tourists don't always respect the place they're visiting and many of them commit what can only be called acts of vandalism. The Giants Causeway on the north coast of Northern Ireland has been one of the victims.

Visitors are jamming tiny coins into the gaps between the stones, and these coins are discolouring the stones as iron, nickel and copper leach out of them. There's a copycat element as people see others shoving coins between the stones and do the same themselves.

It's hard to see what the motive is for this "coin stuffing". They'll never see the coins again and probably will have forgotten all about them a week later. Tour guides warn visitors not to leave coins, but the problem persists.

Unfortunately tourist vandalism is very common. Graffiti, love locks, stealing cobblestones, carving names on ancient monuments. There's a general lack of respect for the places they're visiting and too much mindless self-indulgence.

It would be a shame if popular tourist sites are routinely closed to the public because vandalism has got out of hand. A spectacular canyon in Iceland, featured in Game of Thrones, is now closed to visitors after a huge influx of tourists has damaged vegetation and trails. Iceland as a whole is now so fashionable it's buckling under the same tourist deluge as many other places.

Where will it all end?

Pic: the Giants Causeway

Giving up

Since Jenny and I gave up alcohol several months ago we're surprised how little we even think about alcohol. We never have any hankering for a glass of wine, and we can easily ignore the alcohol sections at the supermarkets. We just don't miss it.

It's strange that we've abandoned alcohol so easily, since we'd been drinking regularly from before we first met. We'd been cutting back a bit from our earlier days together when we'd consume a bottle of wine or more in an evening. But it never occurred to us to stop drinking, especially when all our friends drank.

Then one day in the spring we both realised that alcohol just wasn't doing anything for us any more, so why were we still guzzling it? Why not give it up? So we did. We were expecting it to be a bit of a struggle but we were amazed at how effortless it was.

It's saving us a lot of money of course, which is an added bonus. It was expensive enough just for the two of us, but if you're buying a round in the pub the cost is crazy.

Nobody has suggested that we're missing out by giving up alcohol, that we're party-poopers or strait-laced puritans. I suppose it helps that a lot of young people have gone teetotal, either for the health benefits or to save money or because they don't like being drunk. So rejecting alcohol has become somewhat fashionable.

Cheers!

Downsizing

Every so often someone suggests giving people in so-called over-large houses some sort of incentive to downsize to a smaller property.

It happened again yesterday on the TV programme Question Time, when someone debating the possibility of reducing the state pension proposed that if more people downsized they could manage on a smaller pension.

He suggested that people in very spacious houses like our own could be given an incentive to move to somewhere smaller - presumably some sort of financial grant.

Well, I enjoy living in a large house and I don't see why people like us should be singled out for our preference, especially when there are thousands of empty houses around the country that could be targeted instead. And how could you ensure that an "over-large" house went to a family and not another space-loving couple like us?

In any case, even a sizeable financial grant wouldn't make up for all the upheaval and hard work and stress of moving house.

We space-lovers are being turned into scapegoats for the continuing shortage of new homes. We're supposed to feel guilty for not "making do" with a much smaller house.

And if family-size houses are so badly needed, how come so many tiny apartments are being built?

Doggie devotion

It's still true that many people find their pets more soothing and reassuring than other people - maybe even their partners. A survey of 31,299 pet owners reveals 58 per cent of people find cats and dogs more comforting than people at stressful times, outranking spouses, friends and kids.

If you're going through some sort of crisis, the average dog won't give you a load of unasked-for advice, won't pretend to be sympathetic when they're not, won't tell you it's not as bad as you think, and won't tell you everything's going to be fine and just hang on in there.

The average dog will simply give you lots of love and affection until you're no longer at sixes and sevens and have sorted things out.

Of course there's a downside to such reliable devotion. A dog might wake you at 4 am demanding food. Or might empty your dinner plate when you're not looking. Or it might jump all over your visitors. And it won't do the washing-up.

Well, that's what I'm told at any rate. We don't actually have a dog so we can't tell you if all that's true or not. But I can certainly testify to a dog's unwavering love and affection, having experienced it many times when dogs are about. In fact a dog will give me enthusiastic affection even if we've never met before. 

A dog may not speak but it has many other virtues.

Now it's our turn

Over-tourism has come to Belfast. It took a while because (for obvious reasons) Belfast wasn't a popular tourist destination till a few years ago.

I was in the city centre last weekend and I noticed it was a lot more crowded than it used to be - too crowded. Many of those wandering around were clearly tourists and there were plenty of tourist coaches and sightseeing buses.

Belfast city centre isn't that big, unlike other cities. It soon fills up with people. Suddenly I'm having to negotiate large numbers of people rather than just walking along the street.

And it's only May, when you would expect the city centre still to be quite quiet. At this rate the peak tourist period of July and August is going to be even more crowded. How many more visitors can we comfortably accommodate?

This year we're due to receive 150 cruise ships, and a brand new cruise ship terminal is being built.

Naturally the tourist authority and the NI government want to see as many tourists as possible because it's good for the economy, and they don't really care if the city is being over-run.

But at least it's good to know that the outdated media image of Belfast (paramiltaries, bombs, guns etc) is no longer putting people off because they know Belfast has become a normal, thriving city with its trendy restaurants and coffee shops. Life moves on.

Pic: a walking tour outside (an unusually quiet) Belfast City Hall

A careless child

The recent slight damage to a £42 million Rothko painting in a Rotterdam museum by a careless child has once again led to debate about whether children should be allowed in art galleries.

Well, of course they should. It's always possible that an impulsive child will touch a painting or sculpture without thinking, and it's always possible that the art work will be immensely valuable and need careful restoration.

But that very remote possibility is insignificant compared to the mental and emotional benefits that children get by experiencing art, especially from an artistic genre they're unfamiliar with - like abstract art or surrealism or cubism.

Galleries themselves usually give children a warm welcome and are happy to let them appreciate famous and valuable art works. They're very forgiving on the odd occasion that a child accidentally damages something.

Like the four-year-old boy who last year smashed a priceless 3,500 year old vase to pieces at a gallery in Israel. Far from being outraged, the Hecht Museum invited the child back to the museum with his family for an organised tour. And there was no question of the family being asked to pay anything towards repairing the vase.

In my experience gallery attendants are very quick to stop anyone (both children and adults) from getting too near the exhibits, so the chance of something getting damaged is pretty remote.

Pic: Gray, Orange on Maroon by Mark Rothko

No aversion

Hannah suggests I have an aversion to children.

Not so. I have nothing against children, and in general I'm very tolerant of them. After all, I was a child myself once upon a time. But I have an aversion to children who behave badly, just as I have an aversion to oldies who behave badly. If a child is being rude or demanding endless attention or throwing things, of course I don't like it and I'll want them to be better behaved.

There are four children in the house next door and I have no problem with them. They're very well-behaved and mostly don't bother us in any way. The only minor annoyance is from the oldest son, who regularly kicks footballs into our garden. We chuck them back and that's that.

Grown adults can be much more tiresome, making tedious complaints about parking or dog mess or litter or bin emptying. You can't say, oh they're just having fun, you know what children are like, because they aren't children. They're meant to be intelligent and interesting, not a lot of dreary whingers and moaners.

Children come up with all sorts of intriguing ideas and observations. They're full of life and bubbly curiosity. Why would I have an aversion to them?

Fastidious, moi?

It's often said that oldies are more fastidious than the young, constantly complaining about this, that and the other thing.

I don't think that's true at all. Children are just as fastidious as the old, they simply fuss about different things.

They want a certain brand of trainers, or there's half a dozen foods they refuse to eat, or they hate certain colours, or their hair has got to be just so. Children can be so fussy over so many things that their parents despair.

In fact I have the impression kids are getting more fastidious by the day. They seem even more demanding and even keener to keep up with what their friends are doing and wearing and enthusing about. Or is that a mistaken impression?

Certainly when I was a kid I don't remember being especially demanding about anything at all. Most of the time I just did what my parents expected me to do. I ate what was put in front of me and I wore what my mother bought for me and I was polite and adaptable. My docility seems a bit pathetic by today's standards but I didn't find it abnormal at the time.

My personal fastidiousness is mainly centred on cleanliness and tidiness. I couldn't stand a house that was filthy dirty or full of clutter. Luckily Jenny is the same. A girlfriend and I once shared a flat with people who seemed oblivious to the increasing grubbiness and disorder and did nothing about it. After several exasperating weeks, we moved out.

Of course nobody likes to be described as fastidious. No, no, we just have our standards and we stick to them.

So much for reason

When I was young I believed people were basically rational and the world was run on a rational basis.

As I got older I realised this wasn't so. A lot of the time reason didn't come into it at all and all sorts of irrational considerations came into play.

I optimistically thought poverty could be ended easily if governments took more money from the wealthy and gave it to the poor.

Eventually it dawned on me that it wasn't so simple. Politicians were reluctant to tax the wealthy (especially if they were wealthy themselves). Some thought the poor should find their own way out of poverty and shouldn't need government help. Others thought the supposed poor weren't really poor at all and had hidden sources of income. And so on.

Likewise building more homes or increasing people's salaries or dealing with greedy landlords. What seems like the obvious solution is stymied by irrational objections that prevent any real progress.

Nowadays I tend to be a bit cynical about any grand plans announced by politicians. Instantly I envisage a flood of half-baked protests likely to stall those grand plans for years on end.

And meanwhile, despite endless pledges to abolish poverty for good, it gets worse. And worse.

A search to remember

Jenny and I have had a few occasions when we couldn't quite remember where we had parked the car, but we've always found it after a few minutes of wandering around looking for it. The initial panic quickly gives way to relief.

But imagine what it's like for someone who has absolutely no idea where he/she parked the car and spends the next three weeks (yes, three weeks) searching for it, getting more and more frustrated and bewildered.

Kieran (last name not known) had been to a stag party in Cork and couldn't find his wine-coloured Skoda Superb. He hadn't noted the road it was parked in so he had little to go on.

All he knew was that he had parked on an estate. So he methodically visited 59 different estates in the Cork suburbs - but to no avail.

Then he offered a €200 (£171) reward to anyone who could locate his car. And finally, he was in luck. A woman had seen the car on her estate in Ballyphehane.

That's certainly a stag party he won't forget in a hurry. "But sure I met the best people and had great craic" he said. And even greater craic after the party!

If Jenny and I park in some unfamiliar location, we always note the road it's in, and maybe some landmark the locals could identify and direct us to.

It was a routine problem in London, where parking spaces are scarce and often we had to park well away from the venue we were attending. Luckily we always found our car afterwards. So not much craic to be found there.

Pic: not Kieran!

Skirts only

You would think that by the year 2025 schoolgirls would be allowed to wear trousers instead of skirts, but there are still quite a few schools that insist on skirts, including the three schools near our house.

Now two Northern Irish students are pushing for a change in uniform rules.

Astrid Knox and Rhea Flood from Enniskillen have launched a campaign calling for girls to be allowed to wear trousers at school.

"You can learn the same in trousers as in skirts" said Rhea.

I don't understand why schools still insist on girls wearing skirts, and not giving them the choice of skirts or trousers. Trousers are obviously more sensible and easier to move around in.

Skirts are sometimes justified on the basis that they're "traditional". Well, bikinis and high heels are traditional, but we don't expect to see them on schoolgirls.

There was no uniform to speak of at my two schools. A shirt, jacket and trousers were all I needed, though my prep school required the official school blazer with its blue and white stripes. It still does (and I noticed in passing that the girls are wearing skirts).

If schools insist on having a uniform (and there are arguments for and against) they might at least require one that's comfortable and practical.

NB: The photo is from an advert, so I assume she was happy for her photo to be circulated.

A spot of ginger

There is still a lot of prejudice against people with ginger hair. There doesn't seem to be any particular reason, simply blind prejudice.

Mainly it just involves teasing and poking fun, but sometimes it can get violent. Some years ago a 14-year-old boy in Lincoln had his right arm broken and his head stamped on by three men who attacked him "just because he had red hair". The three men were later jailed for a combined total of ten years and one month for the attack.

What is it about someone's hair colour that causes such negative reactions? It's not as if ginger-haired people turn out to be murderers or rapists. They just happen to have ginger hair.

There are odd beliefs about red heads. That they have fiery tempers and sharp tongues. That they're highly sexed. That they're Jewish.

In the Middle Ages red heads were thought to be vampires and witches, and it was believed that burning them and scattering the ashes would produce a good harvest.

But there have also been periods when ginger hair was prized. Queen Elizabeth the First was a red head and the hair colour became very fashionable during her reign. How come the fashion didn't last?

Personally I love ginger hair. It makes such a vivid impression compared with blonde and dark hair. Which makes me wonder if the prejudice is based on jealousy. Maybe the bullies would secretly like to have such dramatic hair.

(Thanks to Wikipedia)

So much clutter

Apparently despite all those TV programmes and media articles about decluttering, if anything the problem's getting worse.

Studies show that a third of the possessions in a typical UK home aren't used. Not only that but many people have forgotten they owned the items in the first place.

Garages are used more and more not for housing cars but storing all those items we can't fit into the house.

Jenny and I are pretty ruthless about getting rid of unwanted items, but even so there are still a few surplus items that could swiftly be disposed of. But it's easy to find bogus reasons for hanging onto things.

When I met Jenny I was living in a tiny bedsit, and I simply couldn't buy very much because there was absolutely no storage space. As we moved up the property ladder to bigger flats and then bigger houses, of course we acquired lots of bits and pieces to fill the extra room. So if we got rid of too much there would just be a lot of strange empty spaces.

Our biggest possession is books. We must have at least a thousand but we chuck our very few because we fully intend to re-read most of them. In reality most of them don't get re-read, they just sit there gathering dust or sometimes they're so old they simply fall to pieces.

Some of you will recall that my mother was a chronic hoarder. Luckily I haven't inherited that particular trait.

Hard to say

Social anxiety is a bit of a bugger, isn't it?

There I am at another routine social event, confronted by some total stranger, wondering what the hell to say to her or him. And my mind goes completely blank.

I search my mind for suitable topics. The strange turn in the weather? The political crisis? The price of olive oil? Electric cars?

For some reason no subject seems suitable.

They'll think I'm weird if I talk about something obscure.

But they'll also think I'm weird if I say nothing at all.

I'd love to be one of those natural chatterboxes who can not only effortlessly start a conversation but keep it going for a good half hour.

How do they do it?

My tongue-tied stance comes from my family. Almost every one of them is and was fiercely taciturn. Speaking is only permitted if there's something very important or urgent to say. Otherwise lips are sealed.

So I'm just very out of practice at this chattering lark.

I need one of those ear-phones TV presenters wear, so someone can feed me suitable comments and questions.

Or maybe I just need a badge that says "Ask me an awkward question".

How on earth....

One thing that's mystified me for many many years is how someone is able to kill another person - or even thousands of people - without any regret or remorse or guilt or shame or any of the normal emotions that would prevent most of us from doing something so appalling.

They might even brag about what they're doing as if it's something to be proud of - like Nicholas Prosper, who wanted to commit the biggest school massacre ever (and luckily was stopped in his tracks).

They just don't see their victims as human beings but as worthless objects to be "dealt with" in the name of some sort of personal grudge or grievance or festering hostility. Something has obviously gone horribly wrong in their upbringing.

I couldn't possibly injure another person, let alone kill them. I couldn't possibly do something with such horrendous consequences both for me and for the other person - no to mention for their family and friends. How could I possibly justify my action? Likewise I couldn't bring myself to commit suicide.

As for those individuals who're happy to start wars and kill thousands or even millions of people - I can't imagine how they manage to sleep at night, how they're able to continue with their duties as if nothing unusual is happening.

It just stupefies me. The mental state of someone who can do such things is so far removed from my own mental state that the gap is unbridgeable. I can't even begin to understand what's going through their mind. Can anyone?

One thing it makes very clear - you can never know what's going on in someone else's head. Maybe something wonderful. Or maybe something utterly hideous.

Not a patriot

It's trendy these days to back patriotism and nationalism. Meaning being proud of your country, overlooking its faults and shortcomings, and regarding other countries as second-rate.

Well, I'm not joining the trend. I'm not at all proud of my country, I'm well aware of all its faults and shortcomings, and I think there are plenty of countries that are doing better than ours.

What's to be proud of? A failing economy? Collapsing public services? Widespread misogyny and trolling? Rampant racism? It's not a country to be proud of but one to be embarrassed by.

I was last proud of my country probably in the 1970s, when there was a definite sense of a society that looked after its most vulnerable citizens and wanted everyone to have a satisfying life. I grew up at a time when there were no tuition fees, unemployment benefit was generous, and salaries and working conditions were much better than they are now.

It's just embarrassing when the government flaunts union jacks at its news conferences. Or when people wear union jack tee shirts. Or when football fans wave the St George's flag, the flag of England. Are they really proud of their country? It's hard to believe.

But it's awkward when I happen to live in a country I'm not in any way proud of. I tend to sidestep any conversation that turns to patriotism unless I know the person shares my own views. It could turn nasty.

A lack of empathy?

Someone once said to me that I was totally lacking in empathy, in fact that I was the least empathetic person she had ever known.

Which surprised me (apart from the extraordinary rudeness), because I've always seen myself as an empathetic person. And because nobody else has ever accused me of the same thing.

Maybe I'm fooling myself. Maybe I am indeed short of empathy but I fondly imagine the opposite.

Empathy is harder if someone is going through some experience I've never had, like pregnancy or a terminal illness, but that doesn't mean I lack empathy.

In some ways I think I have too much empathy (if such a thing is possible). I really feel for all those people around the world who're living in desperate circumstances - victims of poverty, disease, genocide, civil war, and so many other horrific situations. There's no way I can just shut it all out and focus on my comfortable everyday life.

I empathise easily with those who're victims in some way, who've been badly treated and exploited by others. How could anyone not empathise with them?

It may be that I empathise quite easily but I find it hard to express that empathy, so people think I'm a bit cold. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing so I say nothing.

But people do have some very odd opinions about me.

Laptop tensions

People have mixed feelings about those individuals who use coffee shops as their office and tap away at their laptop for hours, oblivious to those customers who can't find a seat because they're occupied by the laptop brigade.

Journalist Emily Watkins is a staunch defender of WFCS (Working From Coffee Shops) though she thinks a lot of laptoppers abuse the coffee shops' indulgence by misbehaving in various ways.

She says they often linger for far too long (sometimes several hours), they spend the least amount possible, they talk on their phones, they use Zoom, and they stay put even when the coffee shop is full to bursting.

Whenever we go to our local Caffè Nero, there are always two or three people busy on their laptops and acting as though they're perfectly entitled to be there. And yes, it can be hard to find a vacant seat.

Some coffee shops, like Starbucks, are clamping down on the laptop workers and either banning them altogether, or imposing a strict time limit for being there, and charging them if they want to stay longer.

Most coffee shops lose out financially to laptop workers, as they tend to spend the bare minimum and usually a lot less than other customers.

Personally I think they should be banned from coffee shops altogether as they're not bona fide customers and wouldn't be tolerated in other shops. That may seem draconian but it's very simple - coffee shops aren't offices.

Do not touch

Can you believe it? People can't resist touching the statue of the fictional Molly Malone in Dublin city centre - and in particular touching her breasts. The constant touching has led to discolouring - and offended locals.

Now 23-year-old student Tilly Cripwell is campaigning for Dublin Council to repair the statue and raise it to a less accessible level.

Unfortunately several tour operators have included the statue in their list of local attractions, encouraging more physical contact. Also an urban myth has emerged that touching the statue's breasts will bring good luck.

Dublin Council says it's considering the campaigner's requests and has asked for cost quotations for carrying out the work.

I've never actually seen the statue in situ but I can understand the objection to visitors casually groping her breasts as if that's okay ("It's only a statue" as some of them put it).

The Council could put up a "Do Not Touch" sign but how many people would take any notice?

Molly Malone isn't a real person of course. She was a legendary Dublin woman who sold shellfish in the city streets. She's the subject of a traditional folk song that's now the city's unofficial anthem.

Anyway, the next time I'm in Dublin I'll check out the statue - and see if anyone's fondling it.

PS: The lyrics are here: https://www.google.com/search?q=molly+malone+lyrics

Till death us do part?

Considering how long marriages are now meant to last - maybe 60 to 70 years - it's not surprising that so many spouses get restless and start looking elsewhere.

At one time people died in their 30s and there was barely any time for disenchantment to set in. Even when I was young people still died in their 60s so marriage didn't last nearly so long. But still we pledge to stay married "until death us do part".

So it shouldn't really be remarkable that after a while some people find their marriages stale and unfulfilling and start affairs or abandon the marriage altogether.

Jenny and I have been lucky enough to stay together despite our ever-changing personalities and opinions. Whatever differences we've had were never enough to drive us apart. I suppose the key thing that unites us is a shared political perspective. If one of us abruptly became a fervent right-winger that would separate us for sure.

When a marriage breaks down the spurned partner can be devastated, but with today's marriages lasting so long such a breakdown has to be seen as a possibility from the start. You can't assume you'll still be together a few decades down the line.

Some people may say that a successful marriage flows along of its own accord, but I don't think that's true. In my experience you do have to work at it, before minor disagreements and annoyances turn into serious rifts.

By this stage of course there's little chance of Jenny or I suddenly starting a passionate affair, but who knows?

Not ready

It's appalling to learn that so many children starting school nowadays lack all sorts of basic skills and abilities like using the toilet, climbing a staircase, reading books, or even getting dressed.

Their deficiencies are so common that the government is to introduce a checklist of skills that children should possess by the time they start school.

Teachers are increasingly finding that on top of their normal teaching functions they're having to do things like changing nappies and helping children up the stairs - things parents should have taken care of long before start of school.

As I recall from my early schooldays, there weren't any children who lacked such basic skills. It would have been totally shocking if they had. My mother obviously had a very clear idea of what school readiness meant, and would have been mortified if I'd turned up at school in nappies.

It seems a lot of young children are simply not getting enough exercise and not using their muscles enough to strengthen them because they spend so much time looking at screens.

While nine out of ten parents considered their child ready for school, teachers said one in three children weren't. Some parental education is plainly much needed.

All emotional

It's the norm these days that we should all express our emotions as much as possible, and if you tend to keep your emotions to yourself that's not healthy.

Well, I'm one of those emotionally cautious types, trying not to express my feelings publicly unless they're positive and helpful rather than damaging.

Many emotions are harmful (jealousy, contempt, hatred, resentment, to name a few), yet people casually fling them around as if they're harmless.

One result is the ferocious hatred directed at celebrities on social media, and the bitter conflicts over things like transgender, immigration and diversity.

It's a cliché that therapists tend to ask "how do you feel about that?", as if feelings are the key to very problem. But that isn't the case. Often it's the way you look at a situation that's the key and not feelings.

Expressing your jealousy or resentment that someone else is doing better than you are at something won't help the situation, but working out why that person is doing better and following their example would be a lot more productive.

I missed out on the jealousy gene altogether and I've never felt jealous about anyone. It makes more sense to focus on my own life and how it's going.

There are plenty of emotions swilling about inside me, I just prefer to express them prudently rather than freely.

Open to question

Neither Jenny or I have ever been diagnosed with a mental disorder, but it seems mental illness is becoming increasingly common. Is this really the case or are a lot of those diagnoses arguable?

In all my time at two different schools I don't remember anyone having a recognisable mental illness, except maybe the boy who committed suicide. Obviously there were boys with personality quirks but nothing more serious than that. So why are mental disorders now so widespread?

Some health professionals believe the epidemic of mental illness isn't what it seems. People may be more willing to accept they have a mental disorder. Therapists might be more likely to diagnose one. What was once seen as simply odd behaviour may now be seen as a mental disorder. And there are new mental disorders to apply to people - like ADHD.

So the jury's definitely out on the explosion of mental illness, and whether it's a real increase or not.

Certainly severe mental illness is just that and can't be explained away. An old school friend of Jenny's was seriously schizophrenic and killed herself at the second attempt. She was clearly very disturbed, had crazy fantasies and constantly alienated other people.

Then again mental illness may simply be an understandable reaction to someone's rotten life situation. If I was being badly treated at work, or by my spouse, or by my family, and I was living in a crumbling, mould-infested flat, and I was heavily in debt, I think some sort of mental disorder would be almost inevitable.

Breadwinning

Jenny and I have never believed in the idea of the male breadwinner, or all the ideas that go with it, like a man being ashamed of not earning enough, or not earning at all. Or the man not doing some glamorous, enviable job but some unglamorous job like a barista.

Jenny and I have never been bothered by which one of us is working or which one of us is supporting the other.

I supported her when she was studying for degrees and she supported me when I was unemployed. By the time she retired she was earning much more than me but neither of us saw that as a problem. Certainly I was never ashamed of failing some masculine expectation about working or not working.

Nor did it matter that I spend many years working in humble bookshop or admin jobs for a very modest wage (and thoroughly enjoying them).

But I gather a lot of men are still hung up on the old male breadwinner formula and get quite eaten up if they're not fulfilling their required gender role. And it seems a lot of women are still under pressure not to overshadow their men workwise.

The statistics: in 29 per cent of marriages both spouses earn about the same amount of money. Some 55 per cent of marriages have a husband who is the prime or sole breadwinner and 16 per cent have a breadwinner wife.

So the male breadwinner pattern is a long time dying.

PS: I missed a few comments on previous posts because I no longer get comments by email. My apologies if someone has been overlooked.

No stopping

Over-tourism again. A woman is complaining that while she was hiking in the Peak District in Derbyshire her parked car was damaged and she got a parking fine. She wanted to witness the sunrise, after seeing videos of the Mam Tor beauty spot on social media.

She was parked near a clearway sign that means no stopping. She assumed that because lots of cars were parked on the road she could do the same.

She admits parking near the clearway sign, but blames the road authorities for not building more car parks or adding extra road signs.

There are several responses to that. Firstly, she should have obeyed the road sign and not copied the other motorists. Secondly she should have realised that all the parked cars were narrowing the road and it was highly likely that her car could be damaged by a large vehicle. And thirdly, there are plenty of places to view a sunrise and she didn't need to drive to Derbyshire from her home town of Milton Keynes, a 250 mile round trip.

No wonder so many places are blighted by over-tourism if people don't have the common sense to go somewhere that's not already far too popular and plagued by thoughtless visitors.

There's no need for more car parks or extra road signs. What's needed is a bit more savvy about where you're planning to go and the havoc caused by hundreds of day trippers like you descending on the latest trendy beauty spot.

Jenny and I are fond of Castlerock, a seaside village on the north coast with a population of around 1160. Usually there's hardly anyone about and it's wonderfully quiet and peaceful. But everyone flocks to nearby Portrush, which in the summer is overflowing with visitors.

Nowt so queer as folk.

Pic: the summit of Mam Tor

Frail and doddery

There's a plethora of stereotypes about older people, most of which are nonsense - or at least they apply to some oldies but not to others. For example:

• We're dripping with wealth
• We're frail and doddery
• We're overwhelming the NHS
• We don't like young people
• We're living in the past
• We're intolerant right-wingers
• We're terrified we'll be mugged - or burgled
• We drone on about our medical problems

Well, let me see now. How many of these stereotypes apply to myself?

• Dripping with wealth? I'm well-off but not wealthy
• Frail and doddery? Not yet. Still pretty healthy
• Overwhelming the NHS? I hardly ever need a doctor
• Don't like young people? Only if they're stupid or nasty
• Living in the past? I've been on the internet for decades
• Intolerant right-winger? I'm a dyed-in-the-wool leftie
• Terrified I'll be mugged? Not in this low-crime neighbourhood
• Medical droning? I never mention my health issues to others

Stereotypes are just that, aren't they? One-sided clichés that never give you the full picture of anything. Stereotypes of young people are just as one-sided and incomplete as the stereotypes of oldies.

The stereotype that really annoys me is the idea that we oldies are overwhelming the NHS. If the NHS was properly funded, properly staffed, and properly equipped with up-to-date machines and technology, then it would cope very well, oldies and all.

Well, we can dream....

Cushy or what?

I've never been in prison, or even visited prison. I don't know anyone else who's been in prison (unless they're hiding it of course). So my knowledge of what it's like to be in jail is nebulous to say the least. It comes entirely from second-hand sources like books and the media.

And naturally there's a wide spectrum of impressions and it's up to me to decide which impressions seem more credible than the others.

Some say prisoners are pampered. They have all mod cons like TVs, computers and mobile phones. They have free board and lodging and no bills to pay. Being in jail isn't a punishment but a cushy number. After all, some ex-prisoners deliberately commit new crimes so they can return to prison!

Others say prisons are horrific places and not in any way cushy. Prisoners have to piss and shit in their cells, they're stuck in their cells for 23 hours a day, they get raped by other prisoners, they hardly ever see their loved ones. Not to mention their deteriorating mental health.

I guess the reality is that prisons vary immensely, and while some may be fairly bearable others are hellholes of cruelty and violence.

It's noticeable that prominent public figures tend to be spared the worst jails and get placed in the more hospitable ones, like the so-called open prisons that have the least restrictions on movements and activities.

If I ever ended up in jail, there's no way I could survive such a brutish existence. I would go completely mad in a matter of weeks. How other people endure jail for decades on end I can't imagine. Their resilience is extraordinary.

Standing firm

My mother (Audrey) would never have called herself a feminist ("they're so strident and aggressive and obsessed"), but she nevertheless believed in women being strong and not being pushed around by men.

She stood up to my father when he opposed her wish to train as a teacher (or a schoolmarm as he put it). He wanted her to stay at home and be the diligent housewife she had always been. He didn't want anything to interfere with his cosy domestic routine.

But my mother resisted him and went ahead with learning to drive and then training as a primary school teacher. She knew that if she didn't follow her long-standing urge to try her hand at teaching she'd always regret it.

She taught for something like ten years and adored every minute of it. She loved helping her pupils to improve their reading and writing and maths and simply encouraging them to enjoy learning.

As it happened, my father died just a few years after she retired and his intransigent stance died with him. I don't think he ever came to terms with my mother's steadfast resolve to follow her own path.

I thought her attitude was wonderful and I supported her every inch of the way. It would have been a terrible shame if on her death bed she had voiced her regret at not having done something she dearly wanted to do.

I never asked her, but I imagine she was very pleased that women today are encouraged to be whatever they want to be and make the most of their abilities.

To be or not to be

Much controversy over the proposed demolition of Grenfell Tower, the 24-floor London tower block that was consumed by fire on 14 June 2017, killing 72 people and injuring many more.

Some people say it should stay there to recall the tragedy and all the careless mistakes that led to the inferno. Others say it should be demolished as it's an unwanted reminder of a dreadful disaster, forever traumatising those who want to put it behind them and have some kind of closure.

My opinion is neither here nor there as the tragedy never affected me personally, but for what it's worth I'm in favour of demolition.

Surely keeping the tower there acts as a disturbing trigger for any sensitive person who walks past it or sees it from their window, and would rather not have the awful reality of that day constantly thrust at them.

Those who want to preserve the tower say its presence stops people from forgetting the disaster, but did New Yorkers forget about 9/11 after the remains of the twin towers were destroyed? Of course not.

Apart from anything else, the tower requires regular maintenance to ensure its structural safety. Can it withstand really strong winds like those of Storm Eowyn a couple of weeks back?

Those who favour demolition are planning a remembrance garden or a memorial to mark the tragedy. That seems more sensible than maintaining a burnt-out and rotting shell for years on end.

PS: The Ministry of Housing says engineering advice is that the tower is significantly damaged and will get worse with time.

Pic: Grenfell Tower

Those were the days

I've always said I'm not a nostalgic person. Meaning I don't look back longingly at some earlier time as some sort of golden age and wish I was there and not here.

Except that actually I'm doing something remarkably like that. I look back at the Britain of 50 or so years ago and I do think life then was a lot better than it is now. There seem to be more and more things today that look like a step backwards and not a step forwards. Things that were better than now:

• Houses were much cheaper
• Rental fees were much lower
• Less cumbersome technology. Fewer passwords, pin numbers, memorable words etc.
• Less misogynistic abuse and hatred
• No social media
• People were more polite and more considerate
• Less traffic on the roads
• Tourism hadn't got out of control
• No Airbnb
• Flying was more comfortable
• University education was free
• No smartphones and no need for them
• Villages weren't full of vacant second homes
• We weren't besieged by news
• Politicians were more serious and more competent
• Transsexuality hadn't been taken over by fanatics
• Much more council housing (public housing)
• More public toilets
• Fewer dangerous leisure drugs
• Less anti-social behaviour
• No food banks

That's a pretty impressive list of "how things were better". I'll have to stop denying I'm nostalgic and start furtively harping on about the good old days. Then I really will be an antiquated old codger.

PS: Jenny has corrected me about misogyny. She says it was much worse - and much more blatant - when we were young.

The neighbour from hell

I'm always fascinated by those acrimonious neighbour disputes that just go on and on for years, disputes that surely could have been easily resolved a long time ago with a bit of common sense and compromise.

This one is a splendid example. Yoga teacher Kristyna Robinson endured seven years of misery from her upstairs neighbour Sandra Eveno, until the landlord, the local council, obtained a repossession order on Ms Eveno's flat and she was forced to leave.

Ms Eveno had shouted and screamed unremittingly, had tried to take over their shared garden, had accused Ms Robinson of drug dealing and gang violence, and had made false allegations to her other neighbours and her employer.

Ms Eveno was ordered to pay £15,000 towards the council's legal bills.

Hopefully this will end Ms Robinson's seven-year ordeal - unless Ms Eveno continues to pester her former neighbour despite having moved out.

Clearly Ms Eveno's irrational behaviour suggests serious mental health issues, but I can't see her seeking therapy. More likely she'll persecute her new neighbours just as badly and get evicted again.

We had a similar neighbour dispute when we moved into a London flat in 1993. The young lads downstairs held late-night parties every few days. We asked them to have fewer parties but they took no notice and in the end the local council imposed a huge fine for noise nuisance and they moved out.

We had another neighbour dispute in a previous flat. One of the downstairs occupants had a persistent hacking cough, and when we tentatively told him it was disturbing us, his response was to let our car tyres down.

Which is why we're now glad we live in a detached house with no neighbour nuisance whatever.

Fragile trees

At about 5 am on Friday morning Jenny and I were woken by a very loud thud from outside the house. We discovered that our magnificent eucalyptus tree in the back garden had been blown down by the ferocious gusts of Storm Eowyn and was completely blocking the road.

At about 5.30 am we saw that our huge pittosporum tree behind the kitchen had also been brought down by the storm. Luckily it didn't damage the heating oil supply pipe close by or we would have had a further problem - oil leaking everywhere.

Fortunately a tree surgeon came past later on a visit to a neighbour's house where two more trees had collapsed, and we arranged to have the eucalyptus tree cut up and removed yesterday morning.

Now of course Jenny and I have to decide whether to replace the eucalyptus or not to bother. We're inclined not to get another as it has shallow roots and is more vulnerable to strong winds. I'm told they're also more liable to fall if they're in moist soil, which weakens the roots. And guess what Northern Ireland is known for? Quite a lot of rain....

We probably won't replace the pittosporum either, as it was too close to the house and also has shallow roots.

Trees are very beautiful, they provide shade in the summer, they provide places for birds to nest, and they're good for the environment. But they're not so appealing if the little blighters decide to fall down and it costs us an arm and a leg to have them removed.

But I guess the two trees had a good run for their money. They were at least 20 years old and were lovely to look at.

Pics: Pittosporum tree (top); eucalyptus tree (below)

Self medication

Of course we all self medicate to some extent. We attempt to avoid all the palaver of seeing doctors or going to hospital by trying some recom-mended medicine or diet or exercise routine.

Except that some people think they actually know better than doctors, take things to an extreme and cause themselves and others serious harm.

It's horribly sad when people are convinced they can cure their cancer with some sort of natural remedy or unusual health regime, and end up not only not being cured but maybe dying much sooner than they would have done.

It's even sadder when parents harm their own children by subjecting them to an extreme diet - vegan or macrobiotic or whatever - which children can't digest properly and which lacks vital nutrients. Even when the child is visibly sick and in need of emergency medical treatment, they still insist the diet is health-promoting and refuse to give it up.

I just wonder how anyone can be so stubborn and so irrational as to pursue a self-chosen "treatment" based on nothing but subjective belief.

A Florida mother who fed her three children on a strict vegan diet of raw fruit and vegetables was jailed for life for killing her 18 month old son. He was severely malnourished and weighed only 17 pounds (8 kilos) when he died.

If I had some severe illness, I would never presume to know more than the doctors and pursue some eccentric regime I'd seen on social media or heard someone gossiping about. I'd assume the doctors knew better than me, even if they might sometimes get things wrong.

Self medication has its limits.

Shunning the jab

There's concern among health professionals at the declining take-up of vaccines, especially among young people. They're worried about the misinformation spread online exaggerating the risks of vaccines.

Some four per cent of the population resist vaccinations, either for themselves or for their kids. They're concerned about the safety or side effects of vaccinations, they think their child doesn't need protecting, or they believe vaccines are not very effective.

But many more people were kept alive by the covid vaccine than died, despite anti-vaxxers claiming that many people have suffered harmful after-effects.

Personally I've never suffered any serious after-effects from vaccines, and I've had loads of vaccinations in my 77 years on the planet - flu, shingles, tetanus, covid, and all the childhood vaccinations for things like measles, mumps and rubella.

But I know of people who've developed long covid, which is about two million people in the UK. Fit and healthy people have suddenly become bed-ridden and their lives have been drastically curtailed.

Long covid doesn't follow vaccination though, it only follows an acute covid infection. In fact a covid vaccination tends to limit a covid illness and prevent long covid. So refusing to have a vaccination is irrational.

Of course you can say that if I myself had developed long covid I wouldn't be so enthusiastic about vaccinations. Maybe so, but all I can say is that I was vaccinated and luckily I had only very minor after-effects.

Objecting to vaccinations seems like throwing out the baby with the bath water.

Desperate measures

Thousands more young adults are living with their parents because they can't afford to live indepen-dently. Property prices and rental fees have rocketed while salaries have barely risen, and if they're living on their own they just can't make ends meet.

I'm glad I never had to consider living with my parents. When I was a young adult there were still plenty of affordable rentals and I could live on my own quite easily. I did so for 6½ years, and most of the people I knew were equally self-reliant.

I couldn't possibly have moved in with my parents, they had very different personalities and opinions, and we'd have fallen out rapidly. As it was, I was estranged from my father for many years so living with him was never a realistic option anyway.

Apart from anything else, if  I'd been under my parents' roof, I'd have had a very restrained existence. I couldn't stay out late and get back in the small hours as it would have woken them up. I couldn't get drunk as they didn't approve of alcoholic excess. I couldn't have had friends round as they were somewhat anti-social. It would never have worked.

Some parents are happy to have their children living with them again. They don't like being "empty-nesters" and can't adjust to a half-empty house. Other parents are glad to have the house to themselves and only reluctantly allow their children to return. My parents would definitely have been the latter.

Hotel Mum and Dad has never been more popular.

What I dread

I really dread getting seriously ill these days, given the huge crisis in the NHS. People are waiting hours for an ambulance, then maybe more hours outside a hospital waiting to be admitted, and maybe more hours still before getting any effective medical treatment.

If I have a heart attack or a stroke, I'm highly unlikely to get prompt medical attention, because of long waits for medical treatment. By the time an ambulance arrives I could either be dead or much more seriously ill.

Significant numbers of people are dying unnecessarily because of long waits for medical treatment. It's estimated that there were almost 300 deaths a week associated with long accident and emergency waits in 2023.

Neither the British government or the Northern Irish government show any sense of urgency in getting the NHS back to its former high standards, the standards that were once seen as the envy of the world. Now the healthcare systems of many other countries are seen as better than the NHS.

We oldies and our multiple medical issues are often blamed for the parlous state of the NHS, but of course that's nonsense. The problem is a much more general one - lack of staff, lack of money, lack of up-to-date equipment, lack of efficient organisation.

More and more people are resorting to private healthcare as the NHS fails them. People who've been waiting absurd lengths of time for surgery, scans, physiotherapy or other procedures, people who've been in agonising pain for months or even years, are having to fall back on private provision to get the immediate attention they need. But of course many people simply can't afford to go private, they just don't have the spare cash.

And the situation isn't going to improve any time soon.

Hidden away

Liam brought up an interesting question about art. Should private individuals be allowed to buy up as many famous paintings as they like and keep them hidden away, or should those iconic artworks be on permanent public display in museums and galleries?

A tricky question. There are strong arguments on both sides.

• Don't individuals have the right to buy whatever they choose, even if it's something other people would love to look at but can't? After all, there are thousands more remarkable paintings for people to look at, so what does it matter if a small fraction of them are stashed away somewhere inaccessible?
• On the other hand, shouldn't the public have the right to view famous masterpieces whenever they like without their being squirreled away for the benefit of half a dozen lucky people? Why should we be deprived of a celebrated painting people want to study more closely and marvel at?

Well, we have several original paintings hanging on our walls, and intend to hang on to them, which is easy enough as none of the artists are well-known and nobody is clamouring to see them any time soon.

A bit of a shame as we can't make shedloads of money out of selling them to the highest bidder. The Van Gogh in the article mentioned was last sold to a Japanese paper tycoon for $62.5 million and today would probably fetch about $300 million.

I think a compromise solution would be for private collectors to be obliged to exhibit their art works publicly for at least a few months every year, to give people a chance to see them. Anything else is just selfish hoarding.

Pic: Portrait of Dr Gachet by Van Gogh. Thought to be owned by an Italian family.